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[ SECRET POST #2742 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2742 ⌋

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Basically everyone has moments where their parents do something great and they're like "that's what I will do when I have kids" or conversely "I swear I'm never going to do that with my kids"

What are things you plan on doing either the same or different as your parents when/if you have kids"

Me
- I'm not going to flip out or freak out when my kid curses for the first time or experiments with swearwords. I don't want my kids to go through that period me and my sister had where we were convinced that "bad words" were "serious business" if I can help it. I'll tell them that its rude to swear ,especially in public and explain why I'd prefer they not say certain things in my house. If they address me rudely I'll tell them I didn't hear them unless they can say it with respect, and if they curse and grumble I'll just shrug and ignore it. If they use curse words to hurt other people I'll punish them but put more emphasis on "you hurt someone and you need to say your sorry" or "you shouldn't be rude to them". But as far as I'm concerned I'm not going to indulge them by reacting with shock and horror every time they cuss. When they're kids it won't give them the attention the want from cussing, and when they're older it won't make them feel the need to rebel and say swear words.

- I'm not going to take myself so seriously all the time that I interpret lighthearted joking around as "disrespect". If they say they hate me I'll swallow my feelings and tell them I love them . I'll teach them not to say they hate each other and other people. If they grumble "you're the worst" I can just go "yeah I am, deal with it"

-I will however do what my parents did and tell them "God loves you" and stuff like that because I do want them to know that first and foremost, Christianity is about love (as it's supposed to be) and love first and foremost. I don't want them to believe that religion is about judgement and using to control other people.

I love my mother more than anything and I will definitely show my possible children the same open mindedness and compassion that she showed me as a child but there are certainly things I'd do differently

-I would set more limits for them. When I was a kid, I didn't really have many boundaries or discipline (though I was generally well behaved as far as children went) and it's something that I kind of wish I did have.

-I would insist that my child enroll in some sort of activity (whether it's dance, music, sports, etc). I never did any such thing as a child and a big part of me regrets it and I believe I might have been more well rounded if I had something like that.

-I would teach them healthy eating habits. My mother let us eat a lot of junk food and things of that nature and healthy eating habits were never reinforced. As as adult, it took me a long time to get into a healthy diet.

I think everyone has things they would do differently from their parents even when they love them.

I'm not planning on having kids personally, but if I did I definitely agree on your first two points. As for the third, I'd probably treat religion as a non-issue but encourage them to be accepting of other people's beliefs.

Once they're old enough, I'd probably be more hands-off, but still keep an eye on them, be there if they need me, intervene if they're getting into too much trouble.

You could just teach them to respect people and not bring religion into it?

Well yeah, i'd teach them to respect people but, if I'm going to mention anything about a religion that I have it's going to be "I believe that if God is out there he loves people and religion isn't an excuse to be an asshole".

I don't see how they would be hurt by that. They're free to believe or not believe when they get older, and to make that choice themselves, so it's not like I'm going to force it on people. Either way what harm could teaching them that religion is a personal belief that I have and they can choose if they want to believe or not, do. It's not like I'm telling them "you have to believe in God". IMO it's about the same as praying for someone who is in need of help.

I mean it's not even like I'm going to force them to go to church, (I probably won't even go all the time because being in church due to OCD makes me nervous, I'll probably go for like big holidays and stuff.

I wouldn't really be doing any harm at all so I don't know why you're telling me I shouldn't bring in a religion that I believe in.

Edited 2014-07-06 21:44 (UTC)

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

(Anonymous) - 2014-07-06 22:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

jaybie_jarrett - 2014-07-06 22:04 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

(Anonymous) - 2014-07-06 22:14 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

jaybie_jarrett - 2014-07-06 23:16 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

(Anonymous) - 2014-07-06 23:26 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

jaybie_jarrett - 2014-07-06 23:32 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

(Anonymous) - 2014-07-06 23:45 (UTC) - Expand

I wanna teach my future kids to be individuals and not just go along with what everybody else does. Like, it's perfectly cool if you like *insert teen idol here*, but like it because you like it not because that's the cool thing to do.

I also don't want to smother them and I want to teach them to be comfortable around other people. I have a cousin who was so smothered by my aunt that I don't think he ever managed to get through sleeping over at my grandparents while we were kids without either crying for hours or getting his parents to pick him up.

Also, I want them it try out different foods. My own parents were never good at that with my sister especially as my mother is quite a picky eater herself, so it's until now when she's 20 that my sister dares to order something that isn't a hamburger when eating out. By this I don't mean that I will force them to eat things they don't like, but I want them to try it before saying they don't like it.

I'm not going to make them "give grandma a hug and kiss" if they don't want to (or any other relative or friend... or me, for that matter).

If they say they have a nickname they'd rather be called, that's what I'll call them, and I won't imply that I'm insulted because they don't think the name I gave them is good enough.

I won't flip the fuck out and take them to a therapist just because they're afraid of the dark or some other little thing.

Oh yeah, I agree there.

I don't believe in forcing affection because some people aren't comfortable with that.

Again I agree. Funny story , I was given the name Danielle by my father apparently but form what I was told my mom was the one who started calling me "Dani" right from when I was young. And when I was growing up I associated my full name with the name I was called when I was in deep shit.

Due to the fact that I have a form of autism , chances are good that I'll probably be taking them to a psychiatrist of psychologist at some point. I'd like to get them screened for any form of autism early so I will be able to help them and raise them accordingly.

Teach them how to be good outdoorsmen, take them outside a lot to diverse places, let them learn to love nature and our planet so they can grow up realizing how important it is to protect it. Take them picking fruit so they can understand where food comes from.

Read to them, limit television. I can never thank my parents enough for not having cable TV in the house until I was 12. Movies will still be on the menu.

Enroll them in sports. They can choose whatever, but a sport will be mandatory.

Support their talents, whatever they might be.

Develop a mature and honest conversation about drugs, sex, and alcohol. Allow them to try what they want when they want with supervision and counselling beforehand. Make sure they understand the consequences of their decisions before they go blindly into adulthood. Raise them in a sex-positive environment and make sure they understand and are familiar with how bodies work from a young age.

Support their religious choices, should they decide to adopt a faith. Make sure they can voice their reasons for that faith and that they are aware of what they are getting into. They will be raised in an atheist environment, however. I am not going out of my way to introduce them to religion aside from historical aspects.

Enroll them in preschool. So very, very important for early social development.

Give them a pet when they are ready, preferably a small animal. Make sure they can care for it responsibly. Be ready to talk to them about death when the animal dies.

Introduce them to a wide range of music from a very young age. Introduce them to theatre and art. Allow them the opportunity to experience difference cultures.

Limit sugar, limit fast food, but don't deny it completely. Try to foster an interest in food and cooking and involve them in the kitchen. Give them the best nutrition possible and expose them to a wide variety of foods from a young age. Give them a choice of what they can eat, but do not allow them to categorically refuse food (ex. they may have one vegetable that they never have to eat, the rest is not up for discussion unless there are allergies or some other concern).

Try to parent like my parents did. They were incredible.

What about internet access?

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

herpymcderp - 2014-07-06 22:21 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

othellia - 2014-07-06 22:49 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

herpymcderp - 2014-07-06 22:59 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

othellia - 2014-07-06 23:17 (UTC) - Expand

-Teach empathy. Encourage them to relate to others, and think about what others are feeling.
-Encourage them to ask questions. I won't be afraid to say I don't know the answer to something, but research it with them.
-I won't emphasize their genders in a stereotypical way. I'll try to treat both my sons and daughters the same, and avoid language that could subconsciously make them feel a certain way ("pretty girl!" vs "tough guy!"). I will give them the same options and not judge either way - if my daughter plays with trucks, cool. If she plays with dolls, cool.
-I will never spank my child or strike them in anger. Punishments will be contributing positively to the household - chores, namely - and discussions about what went wrong, why, and finally apologies.
-I really want to raise my child bilingually. I wasn't raised bilingually myself, though I speak another language now, but I will try to expose my child to other languages while s/he is young. Also, money/resources willing, have them learn an instrument like piano.
-Encourage them to play outside and get dirty.
-Avoid junk foods. I'll do my best to cook as often as possible and avoid fast food as much as possible.
-Money willing, go on vacation once a year, or at least travel somewhere new.

- I agree on that. I'm going to tell them about my childhood experience and how I was bullied all the time at some point and tell them that it caused some serious psychological issues even years after. I am going to tell them about how for the bully it seems like nothing but for the victim, they carry it with them for years. I want to make sure my children(and my sisters' children) are made aware what bullying can do to people.
-That definitely. I am going to encourage them to question things and avoid saying "because I said so" if I can.
- I can definitely get that. I want my children to know they can be whatever they want to be regardless of gender.
-I can get that. I'd be careful about making chores punishments because I don't want them to associate doing stuff around the house with punishment though. That's my only hang up there.
-That sounds cool. I am terrible with languages so *shrug* but I would support them learning another language.
-When it comes to junk food...I'll try to have healthy food but I don't want to go overboard in restricting sweet foods/junk foods too much. Because I live in a house where people are kind of obsessed with "losing weight and looking thin. They also pressure me that my eating is out of control - I am 5 ft 6 and they tell me I should be 125-130 but to me that feels unhealthy. I feel like my body is mostly fine they way it is, and assuming I'm supposed to be a certain weight because that's what my sister looks like bothers me. But yeah I am aware that being too obsessed with 'looking thin" can be just as bad as doing nothing. I would have small amounts of sweet things available with a lot of fruits and nuts and healthy stuff Restrict the fun stuff so much they'll end up craving it and gorging on it when its around.

But this is just my opinions.

Where Christianity was concerned, I was raised much like you've described. What troubled me is that, well, if God loves me, how come bad things still happen to me? If God loves everybody, how come bad things happen to other people who don't deserve it? The problem is that there isn't really a good response to that. "It's God's will" and "God works in mysterious ways" set off my bullshit alarm even as a child. "Sometimes God wants us to learn a lesson from bad things that happen" was even worse, because I thought, what kind of god lets people get hurt or die just so they can learn a lesson?

I admire that you're going to teach your hypothetical children that religion isn't about judgement and controlling other people. But I hope you're preparing a lot of answers and discussion for if/when they find out that 1) the Bible is chock full of judgements on people for not behaving the "right" way and 2) a huge part of fundamentalist religion most certainly is about controlling people via influencing the law. Otherwise, I imagine they're in for a lot of confusion.

To answer that I'd probably tell my kids more like "a lot of times it's not so much God as other people being flawed and the price of free choice. There are some bad people out there who do bad things. Freedom of choice is a great wonderful thing, but some people out there because people are flawed do bad things with it. Basically it's a mixture of free choice and the price of our knowledge" Personally I find that to be a better answer. Saying it's a price of the freedom to choose puts the responsibility back to people who do bad things and shows that sometimes things that sound good and certain freedoms will come with consequences that we may not foresee.

Yeah I'm aware of those. In my opinion,that was a time when there were more strict laws in place and sort of a product of the times they came from, but a lot of it , like the rules of the old testament today would be harsh and proven by time to be not needed.

Also some things are not understood and translated as well in today's world. Like the whole problem with Sodom and Gammorah wasn't homosexuality but the fact that the people in that city were basically marching up to the new people they found (the angels) and demanded them be handed over for sex. That's not how sex is supposed to work , it should be done with the consent of people involved. The people of the towns had very warped and wrong intentions...not a bad sexuality.

There's a lot of stuff like the thing about not sleeping with men as they sleep with women which is about not treating fellow men as they do women or just a hygiene thing (don't sleep in the same bed)There were some very specific rules in there about little stuff like fibers and stuff so it could be mix of those two things. If it were about homosexuality itself it would be worded differently I think "men don't sleep with men and women don't sleep with women"

I hope that answers your question

I'm gonna take them to Disneyland. *awwww yeahhh*

But seriously, I think I'll raise them very similar to how my mother raised me, with a few exceptions.

Rather than enroll them in EVERY SINGLE SPORT LEAGUE under the sun, I'll pick one. If they want to change the sport or even add more sports, that's fine. But I'm not doing the "oh god I've got soccer, and then softball, and then basketball, and then golf, and then swimming... all I want to do is relax for a Saturday!" thing.

I do want them to take at least one kind of foreign language starting when they're really small. I'll give them the choice of language based on the available schools, but they are taking it. And call it pushing my agenda on my kids, but it is my one regret of growing up. I was enrolled in language courses in Kindergarten and I really liked it, but my older sister was taking math courses and I wanted to be like her so much that I begged my mom to take me out of them and my mom listened to me. :| (Why did you trust a four year old's judgement? Why?)

Oh and I'll definitely encourage them in school and push them to succeed, but I'm not going to freak out if they get a B or act like an A- isn't good enough. Because even with the minus, it's still a fucking A.

Disney WORLD. God that place was great as a kid. If they earn it, they're going.

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

othellia - 2014-07-06 23:08 (UTC) - Expand

I won't be having kids, but here are 2 things I wish more parents would do for their kids:

- Teach compassion, tolerance, and empathy.
- Teach independence and a strong work ethic.

-Let them fail. If you bubble-wrap kids from birth and never let them be sad or let-down, how are they gonna deal when you cut the apron strings and they go off on their own? I appreciate that my mom and dad never forced me to do things I hated, but I think if they'd pushed me a liiiiittle more out of my comfort zone I think I wouldn't have as much issues trying new things now.

-Let them look silly. My mom (who is awesome, don't get me wrong) always corrected my attempts on styling my own hair and told me to change if my clothes were too over the top...but I've seen kids going around in superhero capes or tutus, and they are cute as fuck and happy as clams.

-Give them options for extracurriculars. Kids need down-time so not a lot of activities at once, but I did a different activity every year until I settled on soccer; while none of them stuck I was grateful that I got to try them.

-Let them have and care for a pet. It's a kind of responsibility that has its own reward.

-Make sure that whatever church we go to has a nice Sunday School program; the church I grew up in was great for an adult, but the childcare wasn't the best so I wasn't too happy there as a kid.

-Get them involved in some kind of charity/volunteer work; exposure at an early age to the ideal of helping others in any way we can.

I know I'll take a similar approach to alcohol as my parents did. They were always really open about it and willing to teach me about the cultural value of alcoholic drinks, let me try them, and tell me which ones they like. They never pushed me into it but offered me alcohol in small amounts when I was a teen, and increasingly larger amounts as I got older. I never went through the "forbidden fruit" phrase and I learned how to be responsible with it at home.

I've had one for just over sixteen years now. For reference, my parents were Republicans, of the old-school moderate sort who'd be dismissed as RINOs and driven out of the party these days, and my mother was a staunch Roman Catholic whose memory predated Vatican II.

Things my husband and I have done differently from my parents:

- We didn't raise our daughter in any particular religion; we've just tried to explain what we could to her about those that exist and teach her to be honest, responsible and considerate of others.

- Ditto for political parties and philosophies, for the most part. (She's shaping up to be more liberal than either of us in a lot of ways. I blame or credit Tumblr.)

- We've been very open with her about matters of sex and biology, and have tried to approach it more from a common-sense perspective than a moral one.

- We haven't pampered her. This was, admittedly, largely by necessity--we're just not as well-off as my parents were--but I'm pleased with the end result. My daughter is much less materialistic and wasteful than I was at her age, and will be far better-equipped to handle money and make do with limited resources.

Things I've done the same or similar:

- I've tried to get her to take some interest in history (though the history she's learning has a less U.S.-centric, American Exceptionalism sort of spin than what I got from my parents.)

- I've tried to teach her the importance of personal responsibility, which is one conservative value I do still believe carries some weight--though I think I understand better than my parents why government assistance and social programs are also legitimate and important, and I've tried to pass that along, too.

- I haven't taught her to hate or discriminate against anyone. My parents were old-fashioned, privileged and held to some pretty outdated ideas, but they were not hateful, bigoted people. They believed in respecting other human beings and according them the same rights we enjoyed, even if they didn't personally like or approve of them for whatever reason; they did not believe that we were inherently better than other people or that their personal opinions trumped everything else.

- I've tried to teach her how to disagree civilly and constructively with others. My parents welcomed Democrats into their home as good people and lifelong friends despite their political differences. As I've recently seen it put, the difference between conservatives and liberals used to be a disagreement over how to solve problems we all agreed needed solving. IMO we need more of that kind of thinking today.

Re: Things you plan on doing when/if you have kids

(Anonymous) - 2014-07-07 02:53 (UTC) - Expand

I'd try to foster a "growth" mindset instead of a "stuck" mindset.

What I mean by that, is, instead of focusing on getting good grades, I'd want them to enjoy learning. Instead of seeing grades and achievement as the be-all-end-all, and failure as this terrible thing, I'd want them to see failure as an opportunity to learn and grow. I'd want them to focus more on success through time and effort, rather than inherent "talent" or "giftedness".

I'd want them to have stable self-worth, as well. I'd want them to believe that they're inherently worth something, as all human beings are. I'd want them to be happy, no matter what they choose to become. And I'd want them to treat others with kindness and respect and dignity.

Don't have kids, don't plan on having any. But the hypothetical list of differences between my own parents' methods and what I'd do? Pretty damn long.

I'd start off by not being one of those smug, insecure piece of shit parents who deems it necessary to constantly compete with and compare themselves to other parents, taking vicarious living to an aggressive level and making their own kids miserable in the process. I would hope I'd never slap one of those "MY CHILD IS/PROUD PARENT OF AN HONOR STUDENT AT BUMFUCK ELEMENTARY" stickers on my car.

I'd teach the kid to respect himself/herself, as well as others (not just common courtesy, but RESPECT), and to always take responsibility for himself/herself. And I wouldn't expect them to do those things when I was setting a poor example.

I'd try to teach them the value of life and love and acceptance, but I also know much of they have to learn on their own.

Something like that. I'm probably forgetting a few things but it is hypothetical.

My parents did the second one. They threw in a few, "You're entitled to your feelings," lines, but they made it clear they love me. They never showed it, if it got to them, either.

If chilluns happen, by whatever method, I would try to do as well as my parents did. I would try to raise them as individuals, to have their own thoughts and feelings that are still sympathetic and empathetic with those around them. My parents did a great job, always making me feel like a full person even while I was growing and learning from them.

Also, talking about love and relationships (all of them, not just romantic), and sex. I knew more about development and sex than anyone else my age -- even my teacher, in grade 10 when she was doing sex ed -- and it helped a lot. Especially since I knew I could go talk to my parents with impunity, even if I squirmed and got SO AWKWARD while I did it. xD

I agree with most of the stuff people have posted, especially about not flipping out over swear words, not treating them like porcelain dolls if they get dirty and happen to place a finger in their mouth etc, but I absolutely WILL NOT make them choose a sport.

Sports will not be mandatory. If they have an interested in one? Sure, go right ahead, but forcing my future kid(s) into something they may ultimately not wanna do? Hell no and I'm shocked at the amount of people on here wanting to do that.

No religion in my house. If they express and interest in one, I'll give them some resources to look into, but I won't make that any kind fo mandatory either. I'll only make sure they respect people for having beliefs. Otherwise? No religion.

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