[ SECRET POST #3023 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3023 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 056 secrets from Secret Submission Post #432.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

16. http://i.imgur.com/lH9nY19.png?1

[dancing_clown]

Nontraditional students are very much a thing. So, maybe don't jump to conclusions about her age.

[(Anonymous)]

I was coming here to say this very thing.

[(Anonymous)]

Not OP, but that's a good point. I was a nontraditional student, after all.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I really don't like the idea that society has, that everyone who goes to college does so right out of high school and graduates in their early twenties. Some people can't afford to go then, and there are people who go to college later because they were in the military, or for other reasons.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think she is, but yes I realize.

[(Anonymous)]

What Dancing_Clown said - I'm a untraditional student and believe me, where I'm going, there are a *lot* of us.

Also, it's not that unusual for friends [fandom or otherwise] to have large age gaps. I know there have been people in my social circles that have been a decade older, or not too far from it that are younger.

[(Anonymous)]

Same. Honestly, when I was sixteen I had fandom friends who were in their late twenties, early thirteens.

[(Anonymous)]

While I'll echo others in this thread and say that your friend might not be of traditional student age, I'd still suggest that you should be honest with them about yours.

If you're correct and your friend is significantly younger, then they have a right to decide whether or not they feel comfortable interacting with you. They might not mind at all (I didn't, when I was 20 or so in college and my fandom friends were 30+, but the conversations we had made our ages obvious early on) but it's still only fair to give them the information they need to decide.

[dancing_clown]

Or...the friend could take some initiative to find out if people match their list of undesirables.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't see why OP should disclose their age. It would be different if the friend was potentially a minor and they were squeeing over smutty fanfic together. Otherwise, why should anyone care? If you can't handle talking to anyone over five years older than you, then it's you that has the problem and it's on you to make your problem clear to other people early on.

[silverr]

On one hand, the age doesn't really matter, does it? It's over the internet, you're not hitting on her, and it's not like she's 12 (Do make sure she's not 12 (or even 15) if you're discusing shippy/porny things.)

Perhaps it only feels weird because it's fandom, rather than, say, classical music or cooking or Impressionist painters? Though I can understand the weirdness; when I got back into fandom after I had kids, it felt weird to be interacting with teenagers and college students, because fandom is still seen by some as a childish/adolescent interest. Participating when you're older is considered by some to be creepy (and yes, I was told this; and for a number of years it made me feel ashamed of liking fannish things.)

I'd say, if you're really feeling uncomfortable, wait for a conversational opportunity that lets you drop a reference that (for example) identifies the decade you went to college, or how much time has passed since you graduated, or when your ten year reunion is?

OP

[(Anonymous)]

I don't feel like age really matters, either, but I know it does to some people.

No, I'm not hitting on her (I'm not into girls), we're not even discussing porn, and I do not know her exact age either, but I know she's in college and has a car & driver's licence.

[(Anonymous)]

If she's in college she's most likely an adult. Twentysomethings are not teenagers. I don't see the problem here.

[(Anonymous)]

But there's a huge gap in maturity between early twenties and thirties.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

As I said above, she is in college and has a car. Realistically I think she's about 19-22, unless she started late.

[(Anonymous)]

It doesn't really seem like a problem to me.

I don't know; maybe it's from having friendships with similar age differences IRL, but I don't think there's that much potential for complications down the line-- especially since it mainly seems fandom-related anyway. If they were in high school or something, that could definitely get weird later on, but you're both adults here.

If you do end up telling them, they may be surprised, but I don't think that'd ruin your friendship.

[(Anonymous)]

No friendship starts off well on lies or misunderstandings, OP.

I was that "younger" friend...

[(Anonymous)]

and when they confessed to me that they were in their forties, I told them that's okay, I'm turning 36 in May XD

Lots of people assume I'm in my 20s because I don't talk about my RL except in really vague terms and refer to my husband as my "SO". So you never know :)

[blitzwing]

I think you should tell her, OP. Some of my best fandom friends are in their 30s or 50s. I don't think most people have a problem with that sort of thing.

[(Anonymous)]

I really don't think this is a big deal. I don't think you necessarily have to bring it up to her, but you could casually mention something that dates you, or just be honest if it comes up. I bet she won't care. I'm a 23-year-old college student, and my fandom friends range in age from 16ish to mid 50s, along with friends whose age I've never learned, but I've been assuming 30s. I wouldn't be remotely surprised or concerned if a friend revealed they were in their 30s. I've been friends with adults on the internet since I was 13-14 (not in a creepy way, we didn't talk about porn o anything!) and I'm glad they were cool with that (although it feels a little weird to be the slightly older one now).

[(Anonymous)]

I can't believe people on here are acting like the age gap doesn't matter. It really does.

I was in a RP group and when they found out I was in my late twenties (they were all 18) they got really skeeved out by me being older and iced me out of the group. I've even see a lot of 18-mid twenty year olds who specify on there journals they don't want to add anyone older or younger than them. I know #notalltwentyyearolds, but there are a lot of people who'd much rather interact within there own age group.

From personal experience, just find a way to casually mention or ask about their age and drop your own. Better they find out now and see how they react than become really attached to them and possibly lose them later.

[(Anonymous)]

I can't speak for everyone but by the time I was in college I didn't care about the age of my fandom friends other than making sure they're weren't too young.

Transcript

[(Anonymous)]

Image, two hands clasped, with lots of bracelets

Text: I think I made a fandom friend. She liked my fic, we got talking, and now we’re messaging each other. I’m really excited. I haven’t really made a new friend in years, online or offline.

Here’s the catch: I know that’ she’s in college, which makes her at least a decade younger. We never specifically mentioned age, she knows I graduate, but it’s really easy to assume I’m a younger person, especially online: I’m not married, no kind, no stable job, have a casual boyfriend and squee about fandom.

I sort of feel like I’m lying by omission now, but I’d feel weird to just say “hey, you know I’m much older, right?” At this point I also just don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want to be seen as a creep, either. I just wish so much of fandom wouldn’t assume you’re a teen.

But why?

[(Anonymous)]

So, a question to all you young people who don't want to be friends with people who are older than you; why?