fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3075 ]

[ SECRET POST #3075 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3075 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Spy]

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[Eurovision]

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05.

[Captain America]

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14. [SPOILERS for Steven Universe]

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15. [SPOILERS for Age of Ultron]

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16. [SPOILERS for Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and DragonFable]

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17. [WARNING for sexual abuse]

(Duggar Family, 19 kids & Counting)

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18. [WARNING for incest]

[A Redtail's Dream]

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19. [WARNING for rape]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #439.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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second comment

my mom is depressed and i'm so fucking tired of it. she never goes out, has no friends and sees no point to her life. i suggested therapy but she doesn't want to go. i offered to go with her but she doesn't want to go. all she does is watch her soaps all day. how do you help someone that doesn't want help? it's been a year and i'm running out of sympathy

Maybe go to sessions with her? If you suggest she goes alone, she might be feeling like you're pushing her away to deal with her own problems if she's suffering from depression. An offer of going with her might make her feel more supported. This is just a suggestion if you haven't tried it yet.

tried that. mentioned that i offered to go with her but she doesn't want to go. i can't think of anything else to do

Go to therapy yourself to get help coping. It will be good for you, and seeing you take action for your health *might* spur her to take action for her own.

i already do =\

Have you talked to your therapist about your fatigue with your mom's problems?

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-05 23:35 (UTC) - Expand

Spike her soda with some acid and call 911 reporting her having a psychotic break She'll get committed and during the mandatory hold period they should pick up on her depression. Probably refuse to release her without a treatment plan in place.

Don't do this if you guys are black though. Cops will just shoot her and the LSD will turn up in autopsy, then you'll be in trouble.

that's a terrible plan. checking for drugs is likely the first thing they'd do. idgaf if you want to troll but that's an idiotic suggestion

Nah, look once they pick up the depression they'll decide she tried to self medicate and will not believe anything she says about not doing so because drug users lie. Especially if they did something silly like take acid and have a bad trip first time.

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-06 01:42 (UTC) - Expand

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-06 14:07 (UTC) - Expand

You know what, I swear someone left a similar comment (including the "don't do this if you're black though" part) somewhere else.

We may have a troll! Or same troll with a new angle.

Acid has shown surprising effectiveness as an antidepressant, actually. But knowing that would involve actually knowing something about the drug, which you clearly don't. Let's just say its effects do not resemble a psychotic break, you sad little DARE graduate.

I think empathy instead of sympathy might help you figure out how to get your mom help. Also take a short time out of your day to just talk with her (on the phone if necessary) as a companion and not a worried/frustrated daughter or son. You might get to know your mom's situation better because no one enjoys being depressed.

she's depressed because she feels that she failed her sole duty as a good religious woman by having a gay child. she's not trying to be emotionally manipulative, she's legitimately devout and depressed because she feels like she's failed her life's work.

sooo empathy is not real possible on my end. sympathy is as far as it gets

If she genuinely feels that way about you, then she's clearly not a good parent. You should probably just pack your shit and leave.

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-06 00:00 (UTC) - Expand

different anon

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-06 02:52 (UTC) - Expand

Well, that's fair then. That also makes things complicated and sounds unhealthy for you.

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-05 23:59 (UTC) - Expand

What the fuck, that's terrible.

Some distance might be best, for your own sake.

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-06 02:22 (UTC) - Expand

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-06 03:56 (UTC) - Expand

"how do you help someone that doesn't want help?"

You don't. You can't. And that's one of the toughest things to accept.

Make it clear that you'll do whatever's in your power to support and help her if she chooses to seek help, but the unfortunate truth is that you can't control whether or not she takes that step. That has to come from her, or any improvements will be fleeting and shallow at best.

Be careful that your sympathy isn't crossing the line into enabling her self-pity. You can empathize while still expressing that there's a problem here that needs dealing with. I notice you said you were already seeing a therapist yourself? Are there any techniques you've either picked up from your own treatment, or something your therapist can advise that you can bring up with your mom?

Keep your own support network strong in the meantime. Dealing with a situation like this is painful and exhausting, so keep yourself as emotionally healthy and balanced as you can in the circumstances.

it'd be easier if the choice wasn't between enabling her self pity or leaving her depressed and alone and friendless and worrying about what she might do.

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-06 01:56 (UTC) - Expand

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-06 03:58 (UTC) - Expand

You say she's religiously devout...could you maybe arrange to have her go out and volunteer.

If she feels useless and pointless it would give her something to focus on and maybe help her regain a better outlook on life.

What about having a church get involved? Maybe a more liberal or open-minded one?

tried that too. she refused to accept that the other church was a true following of the religion because they were too liberal and any church that accepted homosexuality would never be truly devout in her eyes

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-06 00:05 (UTC) - Expand

Re: tw: depression

(Anonymous) - 2015-06-06 00:07 (UTC) - Expand

Ok, this might sound harsh. But in some cases, there's only so much you can do. If she refuses to help herself, even with you offering to bring her to therapy with you, you're going to have to draw a line. Like say, "I'm very sorry you feel this way, and I'll do anything I can to help," and leave it at that. My mom's depression can get that bad at times. I've tried and tried to help her, suggesting classes, books to read, new hobbies to pick up, she'll have none of it. So that's where the line is drawn.

It's heartbreaking to hear that your mom feels that way because of your orientation. I would wash my hands of her if I was you; I understand you may not be able to right now. But that's so shitty and close-minded and AUGH. Hell, if I had ended up with a female partner (I'm bi), my mom might be the exact same. She's not religious, but she doesn't seem to think much of gay women. She never did fully acknowledge my last girlfriend. So.... ugh. Sorry for rant. Good luck. Take care of yourself first.

I'm sorry to say this, but as someone that used to be in a situation very similar to yours (I read your comment below about her feeling that she's failed due to being devout and having a gay child): you have to let it go. You can't fix her, or the situation. It isn't your responsibility. Unfortunately, her mind isn't going to change-- and I know how badly you feel about it, trust me, but you can't let your life be run by how she feels. Your feelings matter too, your life matters.

Continue going to your own therapy sessions to cope with how this is affecting you, and start to break away from her if it's at all possible. Maybe that means moving out, maybe not, but it's imperative that you start to put distance between yourselves.

You can't. You cannot help someone who doesn't want your help. I fully understand being unsympathetic about this, because it's perfectly natural. What it means though, is that while you can't do anything for her, you can (and should!) do something for YOU. YOU get out of the house more, make new friends, start new hobbies, do things that improve yourself and make you happy. You'll find being sympathetic easier if you don't have to put up with it 24/7.

If she complains or wants to use you as an agony aunt, gently disengage. "Mom, we've talked about this before and you already know my feelings on this." or "Mom, I agree you need help but this is above my pay grade. You really need to talk to a professional therapist/see a doctor."

Then tell her you love her and hope she feels better, and keep doing things for you.

Go out and show her that you're an amazing, successful human being who happens to be gay. Nothing will shake her longheld belief that she's failed more than living proof that you are happy and healthy and doing well.

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