fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5440 ]

Because we are all broken people here, we've all got one. Lets show some sympathies for each other.

I have been diagnosed with delayed sleep phase disorder, and a dyslexia/dyscalculia thing. Both of which really kick my ass in terms of general communications. The delayed sleep phase thing is just the worst, in a nine to five world my body is trying to do 14.00 to 22.00 living.

so how is everyone else?

Hi 5.

I'm retardedly dyslexic, but didn't get diagnosed until university due to a high level of reading comprehension masking it. Plus spending a couple of years doing a 2 earlies - 2 lates - 2 nights then repeat shift pattern, and the last five continually on call and doing 24 hour shifts on a regular basis destroyed the last remaining vestiges of any kind of sleep pattern.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 22:15 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-28 11:56 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-28 12:02 (UTC) - Expand

I got diagnosed with autism in college. Most of the time it doesn't really matter all that much - I enjoy my stupid hyperfixations, and I managed to pick a major that didn't leave my brain halfway through out of sheer luck. The real problem is the havoc it creates in my social life. I HATE seeing people who I know in one context outside of that context - it feels just plain *wrong* and I will literally go to the other side of a building or whatever to avoid them - and I genuinely don't know how to do small talk or hold a conversation outside of very specific areas of conversation. Not to mention that I hate talking about personal stuff with basically anyone and that's made my ability to maintain a romantic relationship pretty freaking limited. I've gotten better over time, but at this point I've basically resigned myself to all my friendships being online and primarily based on TV shows and Broadway musicals.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 22:12 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-28 00:53 (UTC) - Expand

Depression, a couple anxiety disorders, PTSD, endometriosis, chronic migraines, a few learning disabilities involving auditory processing and brain to hand communication, insomnia, vertigo and a connected fear of heights, and scoliosis that has helped lead to frequent back/hip injuries including a current left hip and thigh injury.

Also, OP, I hope you are able to get the sleep thing sorted out and take care of yourself. You deserve to sleep and to have things go well for you.

Edited 2021-11-27 22:16 (UTC)

Ah, my sympathies. Anything that messes with your ability to sleep can really derail your daily life and drain your energy.

I've got thyroid issues and while I'm on medication, I still feel quite tired most of the time. I don't remember what it's like to feel full of energy and pep, and I don't remember what it's like to wake up from sleep feeling refreshed. It doesn't matter how long I've slept, I still feel tired like I could sleep for another 3-4 hours.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 22:26 (UTC) - Expand

ADHD, and I wasn't diagnosed until I was over 40.

Maaaan, did I learn to compensate. I thought everybody had weird attention spans and half-listened to conversations and did everything at the last minute and set tons of calendar alerts.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 22:58 (UTC) - Expand

Autism (level 1), complex PTSD, general anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety, gender dysphoria, aaaand cognitive deficits NOS (specifically related to memory, which is probably the C-PTSD — but as that's the only one I don't have a diagnosis for, cognitive deficits were what was on my papers instead).

It sometimes feels as though I didn't go through enough to warrant all these brain issues (I'm not a physical or sexual abuse survivor, or even a war veteran). I feel like an impostor so much of the time. But here I am, and I don't know why.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 23:00 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-27 23:14 (UTC) - Expand

Most of them haven't been professionally diagnosed because due to being told my entire childhood+youth that I was "lying" about my physical gastrointestinal symptoms and "making it up to cover up an eating disorder because all girls want to be skinny". Made me reluctant to see a doctor unless I actually believed I was in imminent danger of dying (which didn't happen much for most of those years, but more often these days).

...I wouldn't even know where to begin with the physical stuff. GI basically does not function and hasn't for a few years, suspicion is SIBO that has gone untreated due to stupid doctors not believing I was in pain, and malnutrition means everything else has been deteriorating. Was just thinking today about how the assorted physical issues have left me in so much pain and unable to do so many things I used to enjoy, or even talk/swallow/drive, I just pretty much live in my bed 24/7 aside from the days I make myself walk outside and suffer the consequences. It's gotten to the point where when I do have weird cardio/neurological stuff going on, I don't even think about calling for help, just think "Well, if this is it, hope it's quick and someone notices I'm gone before my pets starve."

And that's not even going into how literally half my immediate family has been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders (when I was already in my late 30s), and when the doctors explained Asperger's to my mom, she had the same reaction I did: "Well that explains absolutely everything about [pantswarrior's] childhood..." That stuff doesn't bug me much these days since the physical disabilities mean I rarely interact with people except online where I have a certain amount of control over whether or not I'm interacting and how (since I can just log off). Also the face-blindness and inability to process spoken language as actual words don't come into play when you're communicating with someone with a username to identify them, with written text.

Edited 2021-11-27 22:44 (UTC)

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 23:03 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

pantswarrior - 2021-11-28 03:03 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

tabaqui - 2021-11-27 23:38 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

pantswarrior - 2021-11-28 03:12 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

tabaqui - 2021-11-28 03:26 (UTC) - Expand

I've got OCD. The kind where I have to check everything ten times before I'm happy. Did I turn the lights off, is the fridge closed, is the water running, is the car locked, and so on and so on. It takes way too long to actually be able to get out of the house.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 23:04 (UTC) - Expand

Dyscalculia, depression, sleep disorders(nightmares, sleep paralysis), a really bad phobia response and I suspect I might have un-diagnosed ADHD because I tick a scary number of boxes on the list for the inattentive kind but I also sometimes think I'm making it up so I've never been to a doctor to check out of fear of embarrassing myself? Looking like a moron? 'You don't have ADHD, you're just an idiot/lazy' line of thinking yanno?

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 23:05 (UTC) - Expand

Autism. History of depression. As for last year, severe anxiety. Mild prosopagnosia. Fuckin' sensory processing. Some of my symptoms overlap with ADD or cyclothymia--which I'm pretty sure I don't have at least not in full blown form but run in my family too. ~~And I reject my mom's armchair diagnosis of PTSD because I'm nowhere "post" that trauma phase, it's still ongoing ohgods I'm so tired of it.~~

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 23:07 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

malurette - 2021-11-28 08:45 (UTC) - Expand

My depression is mostly under control (working in retail doing a pandemic does NOT help, tho it kinda does do wonders for my social anxiety some days cause those moments where I suddenly don't give a fuck anymore are really freeing?), so the thing that bothers me the most is that I can't drive a car. I mean I technically could. I do have a licence but pretty much the moment I got it, I stopped driving (aka I probably couldn't actually since it's been like 15 years). I'm SCARED of driving and I can't make myself be not scared. I only got through driving lessons cause I know there was someone beside me who also had power over the car. It was still nerve wracking every damn time. Maybe I could learn to trust myself with time and routine but I'm 100% sure I won't ever be able to trust other drivers. The things I see every day as a pedestrian alone scare me. I suspect I'd just freeze, close my eyes and crash in every just slightly difficult situation.

It's frustrating cause it really limits my daily life (I live in a small town - albeit not in the US). Luckily I can at least walk to work, but everything else...

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 23:10 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-28 00:39 (UTC) - Expand

My main issue is my Bipolar disorder and the comorbidity with ADHD and OCD. I also have constant passive suicidal ideatio, that become much worse and active ideation when I'm on a manic phase. I also have sleep issues and general abxiety disorder and sometimes I have intense periods of agoraphobia. I once spent almost 2 years as hikikomori and I'm currently in a bad depressive phase so I get out of my house maybe twice a month.
I much prefer my depressive episodes cause at least I have a sliver of control over my mind and thoughts. The manic phases are terrible and I need months to heal myself and find balance once more (I seriously think they feel like brain damages) and the mixed phases are the most terrifying thing I've ever experiences. They're rare for now, but my cycles are becoming worse. I finally got myself into therapy a few months back and I'm hoping to find the right treatment for me.

I also have skin issues. It's very sensitive and I can't use perfumes, sggressive soaps or creams that are not for atopic dermatitis. I've also always wear glasses since I was a kid because my eyes are genetically fucked. I have to get an operation in a few years or I'll be basically blind before I hit menopause.

I do feel like I'm mostly a lucky person regarding "dysfunctions" because it could be much much worse, but lately the bipolar disorder is seriously messing with my life.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 23:12 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-28 00:45 (UTC) - Expand

Depression, anxiety, and diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder in my thirties, which my sister recently told me isn't real. It's real enough to mess with my professional and social life.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 23:14 (UTC) - Expand

transition is going great except for the phantom cramps that happen every 2 weeks. doctor was very confused and can't help because it's an unknown among transitioning ftms. and yet it's like the one thing that really fucks my dysphoria so fuck me I guess.

otoh there's the allergy-like problem I've had for years that has stumped multiple doctors including an allergist and ENT. it happens 99% of the time after I eat a large(er) meal but all of them focused on me saying the one or two times it happened after I came inside from being outdoors "maybe it's pollen" uh. No. It's not pollen. I spend hours daily outside either gardening or walking, and the allergy test was negative. It's something that makes phlegm build up in my throat until I can't breathe, am dry heaving/gagging on it. Benadryl sometimes helps but sometimes doesn't and there's a limit to how much of it you can take. What works instantly? Alcohol. But I am trying to quit drinking. I can't win.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 23:15 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-28 03:08 (UTC) - Expand

I was diagnosed with Di-George syndrome when I was thirteen, my current doctor diagnosed me with CPTSD from being bullied in high school. possible ADHD, diagnosed depression, diagnosed anxiety, genetic problems relating to weight and body structure. It sucks, man.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

philstar22 - 2021-11-27 23:16 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-27 23:44 (UTC) - Expand

Anxiety and depression. So mostly "normal"

I probably have undiagnosed CPTSD from narcissistic abuse in childhood but that's only because I tick way too many boxes on an internet test or two. Being isolated and having my situation normalized by others didn't help either. You can imagine that social interactions are challenging in ways they ought not to be.

That sleep disorder sounds awful, OP. I'm so sorry.

I bite my nails, pick my skin, and pull my hair. I actually managed to stop doing all three last year while we were on lockdown because I was able to find alternative things to do whenever I got the urge to pick or bite or pull, but I've started doing them again because I got told it was unprofessional for me to play with Play-Doh or a fidget toy during work hours.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-28 01:57 (UTC) - Expand

I have DSPS too, and yeah, it's a beast. I've done okay by structuring my life around it. Afternoon and evening jobs only, when I can swing it. I feel so much better in every way when I follow my body's natural schedule as much as I can. I'm sure it's affected my income level to some extent, but I just reached a point where I realized, this is how I am and fighting it makes me much more miserable than working with it.

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-28 05:14 (UTC) - Expand

da

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-28 06:01 (UTC) - Expand

I have extremely bad social anxiety, anxiety and diagnosed with 'quiet' Bordeline personality disorder
(although I still don't know if that really applies to me because everything I've looked up on BPD doesn't feel like it applies to me - especially when it comes to relationships which lol; it was kind of funny to have the therapist insist that I must have had some kind of romantic relationship in the past or at least suffered some kind of childhood abuse that would affect having a relationship as an adult; like a big maybe with the latter, but overall I've never actively sought anyone out and no one has ever been interested in me like that - so its never come up. Although I do experience the emotional numbness, dissociation and abandonment issues - I've never have stopped anyone from leaving nor would I go to any extent to stop anyone. Idk it doesn't help that it feels like a death sentence to have bpd since it feels like people working in mental health care treat it like the worst thing to have. I've stopped asking for help and just try and deal with my crap as best as I can until I can somehow afford better healthcare).

There's also a small possibility that I might be autistic - when I was a little kid my brother (older by 1 year) was getting diagnosed with autism, and my Mum pointed out that I was showing similar signs as my brother. But the doctor brushed her off saying that it was impossible for girls to have autism and I was just copying him. Now that I'm older and reading about women who have gotten diagnosed now because of that oldschool boy-only BS, in addition to all the symptoms and just the struggles of growing up feeling like an alien amongst people - I have strong suspicions. I also never want to bring it up since the support system here is shit as it is and I don't think getting a diagnosis would make my life easier in any way.

I feel you on the dyscalculia thing, and I'm sorry your sleep schedule doesn't match up with the "acceptable" one.

I've never been officially diagnosed with anything, partially because I have off the charts anxiety about a lot of stuff including seeing doctors.

I had autistic (male) classmates in grade school so I never thought I might be autistic. Then one day when I was in high school my mom came home with a newspaper clipping about people with Asperger syndrome and said "look, I found you!" and I read the article, ticking mental boxes and going "shit fuck oh no" the whole time, and proceeded to have an autistic meltdown because I knew, and my classmates knew, that there was stuff wrong with me, but if they knew one of the wrong things sounded like "ass-burger," I would literally never hear the end of it from bullies.

Now that anti-bullying campaigns have gained some traction and Aspergers has been folded back into autism as a diagnosis, and there's more awareness that autism can present differently in girls and women, hopefully school kids in my situation have it easier these days.

I was born way underweight and early, and the team of doctors who saved my life, and the ones doing follow up studies of premies, warned my parents I might be a vegetable. Reading up on preterm babies as an adult, the prevalence of autism spectrum disorder and ADHD is something like 3x higher in preterm girls than the general population, and I tick most boxes for both, but I don't know that these kinds of studies had been done yet when I was born.

The doctors stopped worrying about the vegetable thing when toddler me was brought in for yet another cognitive test and asked to point to an apple in a picture book. I did, then started reading "Johnny picked a big, red apple" out loud.

One of my two remaining blood relatives is a psychologist, and when I mentioned it to him (he's been retired for years and never worked with autistic or minor clients) he said he'd always assumed I was just brain damaged. Thanks, I guess?

Throw in a weird and sometimes abusive upbringing (my parents had their own issues; mom survived her dad being an incestuous rapist by becoming an alcoholic, and thought my dad was a great guy in comparison, dad was obsessed with healthy eating and exercise to a literally insane, put child me on starvation diets of unseasoned raw green veggies and toxic amounts of dodgy nutritional supplements degree, was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in his 50s, and committed suicide after becoming an addict of any hard drugs he could get his hands on and threw himself into traffic. Mom had a race to drink herself to death before one of her grab bag of cancers could kill her; the cancer won, barely) and now I have horrible disordered eating habits, executive dysfunction out the whazoo, and am a hoarder.

Let's see. Born without a thyroid gland which wasn't known until two months in, bc of doctors blowing off a woman's (my mom's) concerns.

I'm sure that didn't screw with anything/s

I have the autism trifecta as I like to call it. A mild form of autism or a moderate form of what used to be known as Asperger's whichever. Then OCD and ADHD.

Then in my teens I believe is when I started developing bipolar type 2. Fun.

High School gave me legit flashbacks for a time. So idk what the hell that is. And I was pretty deeply depressed. Like "go on walks and idly wonder about throwing myself in front of a car passing by" depressed.

But I'm ....somewhat better now and I have a therapist on call for when I'm not okay

I have a mercifully mild case of Schizoaffective Disorder. I am over 50 years old and only had to be hospitalized for it twice ( not fun, would not reccomend ).

The biggest symptom that I have to deal with on a sporadic basis is lack of executive function. It really kills my motivation to plan for the future. I’m great with short term planning, kind of lousy for medium term planning, and I stink at visualizing where I want to be in five years from now. I also have mild aphantasia and occasional flat affect ( imagine resting bitch face that affects your entire body language ).

Re: What is your dysfunction?

(Anonymous) - 2021-11-28 04:41 (UTC) - Expand

Diagnosed DSPD *fistbumps OP*, diagnosed GAD, diagnosed depression, suspected but undiagnosed ADHD.

I’ve been on government disability for the past ten years. I suspect if I’d gotten the proper diagnoses (DSPD and ADHD) when I was young, I could have avoided being on disability.

I’m also aro/ace, and very lonely. I wish I weren’t aro/ace. Or I wish I was the kind of aro/ace person who was happy being aro/ace. I wish I wasn’t the kind of aro/ace person who desperately wants to feel all that stuff for someone and just can’t. I try to be self-accepting, but it’s really hard. I feel broken a lot. It was easier when I was younger, but I’m in my thirties now and I see my future from a distance. I’m very scared of being alone when I’m old.

I need to make more friends, but I have a lot of self-esteem issues that make it difficult for me to pursue friendships. I don’t think I’m actually all that hard to be friends with (I don’t think I’m more emotionally volatile or judgmental or demanding than your average person), but I just feel like people won’t want to hang out with me once they get to know me. I guess I feel like I have nothing to offer--except my looks, which is why I constantly end up in unhealthy friendships with guys who want to fuck/marry me.

To mitigate the epic downer that is the comment, I want to say that I have been doing better for the last six months or so--for the first time in my life. I got diagnosed with DSPD, went on Modafinil for it, and have radically improved my sleep cycle. I’m pretty sure the medication is also treating some of my (suspected) ADHD symptoms (Modafinil is sometimes prescribed off-label for ADHD). I’m way more functional now than I’ve ever been in my life...though “way better” for me is still “pretty bad” if I measure myself against most other people.

Oh, and I have a weird-ass disorder called R-CPD, which just means that I am physically incapable of burping, lol! I lucked out with this one, though: Most people who have it suffer constant physical discomfort, difficulty eating enough to sustain themselves, involuntary dry-heaving, etc. Etc. By comparison, as long as I make myself gag once or twice per day (to force the gas out of my stomach before it gets into my intestines), I feel pretty much fine. It's a bit embarrassing, but not really a big deal for me the way it is for a lot of others. So I'm thankful for that.