[ SECRET POST #1775 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1775 ⌋


Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 10 pages, 247 secrets from Secret Submission Post #254.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 2 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 - too big ], [ 0 - hit/ship/spiration ], [ 0 - omgiknowthem ], [ 0 - take it to comments ], [ 0 - repeats ]
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Why should he? :\ Being married doesn't mean you have to know absolutely everything about the other person. Relax, OP.

[haleysings.livejournal.com]

It seems like if you trusted someone enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them, you shouldn't really keep secrets from them. Particularly secrets that are this trivial.

[(Anonymous)]

'Secrets' is such a dramatic word. Even married people are entitled to a bit of privacy from each other.

[haleysings.livejournal.com]

I guess. Maybe I'm just too much of a nerd to even relate to this secret, I don't think anyone's ever even wondered if I'm active in fandom after they've known me for a little bit.

Plus, I can't help but remember that secret where someone scribbled some fanfic onto a piece of scrap paper, kept it in their pocket, and then when their SO saw it they grabbed it before they could read it and actually lied and said it was a negative note about their SO rather than tell them it was fanfic. I don't know, it just seems silly to me.

[(Anonymous)]

Actively lying when confronted is an entirely different issue than just not having said anything. Not everybody feels compelled to share every detail of their lives with other people.

[tabaqui]

Man, this. Just because you're 'in love' doesn't mean you don't get to have stuff that's just yours anymore. I hate that whole 'i never do anything without them!!' 'trope' of the perfect marriage.

Trust me, twenty years in? You'll be begging for a golf habit or a monthly fishing trip or something.

[(Anonymous)]

Eh, "never doing anything without them" is NOT the same. My husband was well aware of my fandom habits, and he's never dipped a toe in it.

Obviously fandom is important enough to OP to worry and make a secret about it. Which suggests that it might be a serious and sad hassle to keep it from their SO for an indefinite amount of time.

[velvet-mace.livejournal.com]

Because if you are hiding this kind of thing, it means you don't trust your S.O.

Doesn't mean that he will read her fic or join her in her hobby, but he damn well should know what it is she spends her time on, otherwise he's going to figure out she's hiding something from him, and his imagination will make it a whole lot worse.

[(Anonymous)]

Is she actively 'hiding' it? Or just not telling him? Do you have to tell your SO the synopsis of every book you read, too?

*puzzled anon really doesn't see why this is an issue*

[velvet-mace.livejournal.com]

The only way he's not going to know is if she's hiding it from him. She's going to be spending hours sitting next her computer writing and checking up on her fandom, he's going to want to know what's up. That's something you can do when you don't live together, but when you do -- your S.O. is going to wonder what the hell you are spending all your time on.

You are acting like letting someone know you are active writing and playing around in fandom is the same as telling them every little detail of your fandom life. It's not. My husband doesn't read my porn. But he damn well knows I write it. And if he wanted to, he could, he knows my LJ name.

He doesn't look over my shoulder when I talk to people on line, but he knows I talk to them on line. If I hid the fact that I was in fandom, he'd be wondering who it was that I'm spending so much time talking to. He doesn't need to know the details of my conversations (he doesn't care), but he does need to know in a general sense what I'm up to.

[(Anonymous)]

I spend HOURS on the internet while in the same room as my SO, often reading/writing porn, and he doesn't ask what I'm doing because he doesn't care. Some people don't need to know the details of their SO's hobbies. I don't really give a crap what my bf does in his free time either.

Then again, I probably don't give off an air of suspicion while I'm writing fic because I do it openly. If I was really concerned about hiding it, I'd probably be acting all shifty, snapping my laptop closed, password-protecting all my files, and generally acting like I was up to something.. THEN maybe he'd be concerned. But I'm not, because it's been established in our relationship that we can each have private hobbies about which we are not obligated to tell each other.

I'm not saying either model of relationship is the "correct" one.. just that different people have different sorts of relationships and different priorities.

[raichu100.livejournal.com]

If they've been engaged for a year and it hasn't even come up once in discussion? It definitely seems to me like OP is hiding it on purpose. Which is the part of this secret that concerns me, not the smut itself.

[(Anonymous)]

omg you've been cheating with me on the internet

no, i just write gay porn

...oh, okay then, carry on

[velvet-mace.livejournal.com]

Ha ha. I told my hubby I was writing porn about penis knots, mpreg and going into heat. And he was like, "Okay then, that's weird," and went back to cruising Reddit.

[(Anonymous)]

obviously I can't speak for everyone else, but I honestly don't care or even want to know about all the kinds of porn my fiance looks at (unless it something illegal). It matters absolutely nothing to me. I mean, if he wants to volunteer the information, he can go ahead I guess though.

[velvet-mace.livejournal.com]

But you would want to know that he was spending hours looking at porn wouldn't you? I mean, even if you didn't care what kind of porn it was, it would be important to you that that was something he was spending his time on.

I mean, take sports. I don't give a hoot about sports. But if my husband were big into it, I'd want to know which teams he rooted for. I wouldn't watch myself. If he was going to his friends to watch a game together, I'd want to know that's what he was up to, even if I didn't care about the details.

[(Anonymous)]

OP? velvet_mace is crazy. Please disregard everything they say here.

velvet_mace? Just because you can't trust people unless they spill their entire life stories to you doesn't mean the rest of us have that problem. Please stop trying to make other people as neurotic as you are.

[(Anonymous)]

usually velvet mace is one of the most sensible people on here, and even though I don't really agree with what she's saying here, maybe she's just been with her SO for so long that she can't imagine other people not sharing something important to them with their own SO

[raichu100.livejournal.com]

Wow. Interesting that you'll go bashing a person openly for her opinions while doing it anonymously.

Douche much?

[orion117.livejournal.com]

Gee, who should the OP take more seriously? Someone who shares her opinion openly, or someone who hides behind anonymity to take shots at another person? If you disagree with what she said, then why not share your own opinion instead of maligning someone else for sharing hers?

Oh, wait, that might be constructive. Never mind.

[velvet-mace.livejournal.com]

Well apparently I know an anon who can entirely miss my point. :D

[urplesquirrel.livejournal.com]

At what point was she saying that you need to know your SO's entire life story? She's just saying that if you feel the need to actively hide your hobbies from your SO, there are probably trust issues there that you need to work on. I agree with her on this.

Also, you're a douchebag.

[(Anonymous)]

You have serious trust issues, and I would hope you're discussing those issues with a trained professional. Your reaction to this secret is not healthy, and not normal.

[velvet-mace.livejournal.com]

Blah. I've been married happily 21 years. I don't have trust issues.

It's not a black and white thing where you have no privacy at all or else no right to know about what your partner is up to.

Listen. I've known couples where the guy turned out to be not-okay with fandom or porn writing. And then the person had to choose between her hobby and her man. In one case, I know she chose the hobby, in the other case, I didn't know the woman well enough to find out the end of the story.

The OP does not want to get married and then find out that her hobby is a no-go area for her S.O. Even if he never reads what she writes or asks her another detail about fandom, he needs to know it's important to her.

[xelestri.livejournal.com]

This, geez.