fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2178 ]

[ SECRET POST #2178 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2178 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[Leverage]

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03.

[The Bloggess]

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04.

[Jahmene Douglas/Nicole Scherzinger and James Arthur/Nicole - UK XFactor 2012]

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05.

[Left 4 Dead]

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06.

[Community]

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07.

[The Tribe - Alice&Lex]

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08.

[The Perks of Being a Wallflower]

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09.

[Bioshock Infinite]

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10.

[Inception]

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11.

[Cassandra Clare]

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12.

[Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures]

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13.

[Disney's Sleeping Beauty]

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14.

[Homestuck]

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15.

[xxxHOLiC]

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16.

[Sherlock]

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17.

[Boktai]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 038 secrets from Secret Submission Post #311.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - ships it ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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So, I've been with this girl for a couple years. Now she's decided or realized or whatever that she wants to be/is a guy or something. I'm not gay. Dudes are just..no. So I think I'm breaking it off. She's all "if you love me, it shouldn't matter!" but it fucking matters to me.

So am I just the dick here?

So am I just the dick here?
Yes, yes you are. And btw, if he's trans and especially if he's going to transition, you should be referring to him as he.

Well, I mean, OP is probably a dick for many reasons. But I don't think that, if his significant other wants to transition, and he's not sexually attracted to men - I can't see my way around to seeing any way in which it's wrong for him to end the relationship.

They're maybe a little bit of a dick by using the wrong pronouns (though, to be fair, they might not know the intricacies of pronoun usage for trans* individuals), but they're not a dick for not being interested in guys.

Would you say the same thing if it was stated like this? (Pronoun issues aside?)

"So, I've been with this girl for a couple years. Now he's decided or realized or whatever that he wants to be/is a guy or something. I'm not straight. Dudes are just..no. So I think I'm breaking it off. He's all "if you love me, it shouldn't matter!" but it fucking matters to me.

So am I just the dick here?"

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 01:10 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 01:17 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 01:20 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

dethtoll - 2012-12-20 01:24 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Random picture thread

diet_poison - 2012-12-20 01:27 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Random picture thread

forgottenjester - 2012-12-20 01:35 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 01:34 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 04:00 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 04:09 (UTC) - Expand

I think it's one thing if you don't support him, but another altogether if you feel you aren't attracted to guys. If you make it clear that you'll be there for him and support him going through this, but that sexually you just aren't attracted to men, then you are not being a dick. It is still likely to hurt his feelings though, so be prepared for him taking it as 'not actually loving him'. Things like this are complicated, unfortunately.

I believe OP is saying he would not be attracted or romantically care for his SO, either.

Echoing anon above me. If you're not sexually attracted to men, there's not a lot that you can do about that. I'd sit him down and have a talk with him and let him know that you still care about him and will be friends, but you're just not into guys. There will probably be some hurt feelings no matter how you do it, but this way there might be a chance you can at least keep being friends.

Trans guy here.

If you're not into guys, you're not into guys, and you owe it to them as much as you owe it to yourself to be honest. If you can't love him as much as you loved her, then yes, you should end it. But try to be a friend, if you can.

As someone who has been in a relationship with someone pre- and during transition, there is a lot I could say here (I had some of the same issues as you, and we are no longer together for a number of reasons). Unfortunately, I am recently back from a party and cannot give proper attention.

If you would like to discuss privately please advise about a way to contact you if you can, or ask me and I will try to arrange something. In the meantime

1) I will respond to coments here

2) The Yahoo Groups Network http://groups.yahoo.com/group/depend-community was invaluable to me. There are groups there for partners of ftm, mtf, families, transpeople etc. and within the partners groups you will find a wide range of people from those who have chosen to separate for various reasons, to those who have remained a couple.

Thanks for that link. I'll check it out when I have more time.

Bearing in mind that I'm a lesbian who has found herself dating a transman, I do think you need to really sit down and think about how you feel about this person. When X told me he wanted to transition, I was totally turned off by the thought, but I also wasn't ready to lose what we had.

So I figured I'd hang around and just try to keep an open mind. (TMI warning:) And when he started on T, our sex life went through the motherfucking roof. I don't know what your thought on oral is, but clit-dicks are amazing to suck on (and I hate dick).

See how far your SO intends to go. Being trans and going on T doesn't mean sprouting a penis. Bottom surgery is something that a lot of transmen don't feel like they need. X still has his vag and even likes being penetrated from time to time. Plus, you know, enormous clit (if I may be so gender insensitive).

TL;DR: Maybe the relationship isn't for you, but really think about it before getting caught up in a reactionary "No homo!" mentality.

Do you feel like things are really different now then they were before?

Re: OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 04:05 (UTC) - Expand

Sexual orientation matters just as much as gender identification. I'm FTM going through a divorce because my husband isn't gay. I don't think you're being a dick, nor do I think my husband is being one.

Nope. You're not gay. You can't change who you are, just like gay people can't up and decide to be straight.

If I was dating a guy who decided to become a woman, we'd be through.

I was in a similar situation, except I'm a chick, and although I find men attractive I'm not interested in dating one.

No, you aren't a dick for not being interested in dating a dude. Not everyone is bi/pansexual, and that's fine too.

It sounds like you are a dick, yes. The wording and phrasing are completely dickish.

However I do think it's sound to say that you're not into dudes and therefore should break up with him. For some people love conquers all, and for others gender matters quite a bit. If you're not sexually or romantically attracted to men, then you're just not attracted to men.

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 01:20 (UTC) - Expand

Echoing the you are not being a dick here. This is a major change in his and your life. It does matter, to both of you.

That being said, now that he's made the choice. Please respect that choice and don't try to make him choose between transitioning and you. If his transition is a deal breaker for you, break off the romantic relationship.

You can still be a supportive friend, you don't have to be in a relationship with him.

You're not a dick for feeling like you can't be attracted to him as a guy. Some people are simply attracted only to one gender, and even if you were bisexual or pansexual, that's no guarantee that you'd be able to fall for someone as a girl and then have no problem being attracted to them as a buy. I'm bisexual and genderqueer, and I don't think it would be a simple transition for me.

If you know this is a deal breaker for you, then breaking up is probably best. It'll hurt, but it's probably better to do it now than to deal with resentment down the line. Otherwise, if you did want to try to make it work, I'd recommend sitting down with you partner and talking honestly about what you both need, and if they can be compatible. Do you know what he plans to do in terms of transitioning, and have you thought about how it might affect (or not affect) your attraction to him? Is your problem more with the psychological angle (don't want to be with someone who is male), or is the physical what's bothering you (don't want to be with someone who looks male)? Things like that can make a difference. It might also help to talk to other people who identify as gay/lesbian or straight and stayed with a partner who decided to transition.

You do sound a little insensitive in how you describe your partner's coming out (chances are, this isn't something he just "decided"), and use female pronouns for him. Even if you can't be his girlfriend anymore (which is understandable), I think it's important to recognize how he sees himself and try to show him that respect.

Edited 2012-12-20 01:25 (UTC)

OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 01:59 (UTC) - Expand

Re: OP

citrinesunset - 2012-12-20 02:12 (UTC) - Expand

Not OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 02:21 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

citrinesunset - 2012-12-20 02:37 (UTC) - Expand

Re: OP

citrinesunset - 2012-12-20 02:55 (UTC) - Expand

Re: OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 03:03 (UTC) - Expand

Here's the thing that bothers me about this. And I'm honestly curious here. Why would you enter into a relationship with someone presenting as a gender you don't think is really yours? (Similar question as to why you would date someone you're not really attracted to)

Don't really have much to add since everyone else already gave pretty sound advice. Good luck, anon.

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 01:50 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

diet_poison - 2012-12-20 02:27 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 02:51 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

diet_poison - 2012-12-20 19:37 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 02:36 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

citrinesunset - 2012-12-20 02:55 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 05:18 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

eaten_by_bears - 2012-12-20 07:24 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Girlfriend wants to be my boyfriend

diet_poison - 2012-12-20 19:38 (UTC) - Expand

All y'all who are like "You can still be his friend!" How does that actually work? For EITHER party? I mean, I can't speak for OP's situation excactly, but I'm presuming that after a couple years they were in a sexual relationship, and how many of you ACTUALLY want to hear from someone you love and want to be with in all regards "Yeah, I don't want to fuck you or be romantic with you anymore, but let's be best buds!"

I've dumped, and I've been dumped by people that I still cared about at the time, and the last thing I wanted to do was hang around like we were just friends. I *couldn't* be friends just then.

OP, my advice is if you're firm in your resolve, then make a clean break. Get away and stay away, for both your sanities. But depending on how long you've had this info, I agree with the anon above that you should at least question whether or not you're still too reeling from the news to make a decision about what you want and can handle.

OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 02:15 (UTC) - Expand

Re: OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 02:24 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 02:55 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

silverau - 2012-12-20 03:17 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 03:36 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 03:43 (UTC) - Expand

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(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 03:50 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

silverau - 2012-12-20 06:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 03:46 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 04:20 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

silverau - 2012-12-20 06:00 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 03:44 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 04:14 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-20 04:17 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Not OP

vicfrankenstein - 2012-12-20 21:36 (UTC) - Expand

I don't think so?

I mean, I'm lesbian and if my girlfriend decided to be my boyfriend instead it's...it's not going to work because I'm not into dudes. I may love them, but I'm no longer interested in the way I was before.

Alternatively, if a male friend of mine I really liked decided to become a girl they would be of potential interest to me.

Okay, so reading through your replies gives a little more pertinent background. First off, your partner's kind of a dick for dumping this on you without sitting you down for a proper discussion. Being trans* doesn't excuse him from disregarding your need for time to process everything. You're entitled to some proper communication, and it doesn't sound like he's following through. It may be difficult as hell for him, but it's no walk in the park for you, either, and it's pretty rude of him if he thinks you should be able to accept it. Secondly, I don't think you're a dick. I think you've been landed with some heavy information and you haven't had time to process it nor are you fully aware of what everything entails.

If you truly care about him and want this to work, there are a few things you have to keep in mind: asking him to be something he's not (mainly, a girl) for the sake of your comfort is no better than asking you to be something you're not (that is, attracted to men) for the sake of his. Both of these facets of your identities are important. On the other hand, there's a better chance of yours being the more flexible one - I'm not saying it will be or should be, but you do need to think this through properly. What exactly bothers you about having a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend? Your partner probably isn't going to change much in the personality department (and in fact, might even be happier) and might not even change that much in the looks department for a while. What attracts you to "her" right now - the person, or the body? If you actually like him as a person, then where does the source of your rejection lie? Are you really and truly unable to be sexually attracted to him if he looked more masculine? (There's no reason you should be attracted to men in general, but love - that is, caring and affection - can turn into lust. It's the real life "if it's you, it's okay" situation.) Or are you afraid of the social implications? Are you so afraid of being perceived as a gay man that you would rather leave somebody you truly care about than deal with navigating the queer world?

There's no wrong answers here. I'm sorry if I sound a little biased, but the point of all this is getting you to figure out why it bothers you so much. It's fine if you figure it out and come to the conclusion that it's just not going to work for you, but it's better that you've figured out why rather than just relying on a kneejerk reaction. This is a tough situation for both of you, and while I wouldn't advocate friendship (because that's just rough for both parties), at least give him some respect and examine the situation and yourself before acting. Ideally, the onus shouldn't be on you, but if his first experience in coming out results in a break-up, that's going to be pretty rough on him. I'm not telling you to baby him and disregard your own feelings in favor of his, just show some respect for his situation and honor the fact that you've been together for a while. He deserves that, at least.

-- another trans guy

No you aren't. Couples break up every day for much less reason. If you insisted that he couldn't transition to being male, then yes you would be a dick, but you aren't. You aren't married to him. Gender does matter. Best to make a quick clean break now than drag it out and be poisoned with resentment for each other. He can go on and find someone else who is compatible with him, and so can you.

You're not a dick. If you don't like guys, you don't like guys. He's going to feel hurt, but that's how life goes sometimes.

Edited 2012-12-20 07:16 (UTC)

speaking as a trans person myself, i don't think you're in the wrong for not being attracted to a certain gender/body type/et cetera. people are allowed to have standards. i know i have mine.

but i hope you are being supportive of him regardless. you don't need to stay in the relationship to keep an open and compassionate mind.

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