fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2187 ]

[ SECRET POST #2187 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2187 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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05. [repeat]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

06. [SPOILERS for Once Upon a Time]

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07. [SPOILERS for amazing spiderman]

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08. [SPOILERS for Nu52 Stormwatch]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

09. [WARNING for rape, sexual assault, gore]

[SCP Foundation wiki]

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10. [WARNING for rape]

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11. [WARNING for abuse]

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12. [WARNING for child sexual abuse]

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13. [WARNING for rape]

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14. [WARNING for violence, RL deaths]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #312.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 (not broken, but being reported as malicious?) - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - personal attack ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm really messed up right now and I just needed to get this out.

Recently I got drunk with some friends and had sex with a guy I've known for years (not well but have seen him on and off). But I don't remember the sex. I just remember a flash of pain and waking up bleeding and naked.

I'm scared because 1. I could be pregnant 2. I still don't remember anything.

I just feel so fucked up. Half of me thinks it was rape as I never consented and just remember pain, the other doesn't know as I always fancied him a bit and would have been ok having sex with him sober, possibly. I just fucking don't know. And I'm scared and feel alone and just want a hug from my mom but I feel like I can't tell her anything because she already looks down at me for getting drunk.

I just feel like a failure right now. Life hasn't been great and this has just fucked me up even more.

I'm sorry for this. This isn't a great fandomsecret post. I just feel lost and alone and have no one to speak to and gather my thoughts.

I know I was stupid. I just never thought that having a few drinks with friends would lead to something like this. I don't even remember drinking that much.

That's horrible and I'm sorry that it happened to you, anon. Don't apologize for posting about it, either. Sometimes talking about things - even to anons on the Internet - can help.

It doesn't matter that you fancied him and might have consented to sleep with him when sober. You were drunk enough that you couldn't remember the sex and, therefore, couldn't consent. He shouldn't have had sex with you. The fact that he did is not your fault, anon, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Just because you got drunk, that does not mean you consented to having sex, and it doesn't make what happened not rape.

Do you have any friends or even a counselor or some sort of third party you can talk to about it? It might help to be able to discuss it and get it out there.

I don't know how much this will help, either, but have you seen this video by Chescaleigh? What happened to her just sounds similar to what happened to you, so it might help:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l3h8fzv-BM

And what makes you think that HE was sober enough to know that she wasn't sober enough to consent? JFC, take some responsibility for your own actions.

Unless you are the OP or the person in question, how would you know if he was sober or not? Perhaps you have some unresolved issues to work through.

First of all: you are not stupid, this was not your fault, you were raped.

If you want to make sure you're not pregnant, if it is at all possible, find somewhere you can get some Plan B or something similar. Going to the hospital to get a rape kit would not be a bad idea, if only because they could test to see if you were drugged last night.

Drinking or drugs, you were in no place to consent. Even if you would have consented given the opportunity, you DIDN'T. I can't emphasize this enough. The worst thing you can do right now is blame yourself. Take that fear and anger and put it towards him. Do what you can to make this situation as less bad as possible. Don't let yourself feel helpless or to blame.

I've been where you are, and I'm thinking good thoughts at you, nonnie. If you want to talk, reply and I'll make a sock e-mail so we can chat.

da

I was going to bring up the possibility of being drugged to, but I didn't know you could get tested for those, so I didn't want to bring up something that could further upset OP just for nothing.

If he was sober (or significantly more sober than you) it WAS rape whether or not you would have been okay with having sex with him sober. Many people get raped by people they would have been plenty willing to have sex with in different circumstances before the rape.

Fancying someone does not make it not rape, and don't let anyone tell you that you deserved what happened to you just because you'd have been willing to have sex with him in different circumstances.

IF he was just as drunk and clueless about what happened that night as you were, then it was a really scary and unfortunate mutual experience, and you guys should talk it out. BUT if he had sex with you with a clear mind while you were obviously drunk, he's a rapist and you should find some way to expose him or at least get him the fuck away from you.

You are not a failure, and you were not stupid. You were not asking for it. You did nothing wrong. Being drunk does not mean people are entitled to rape you. If the wording helps, put it this way: You didn't get yourself raped. Somebody raped you. He did it, and it's 100% his fault.

this

I couldn't tell from OP's post if she is absolutely sure that this is the guy she had sex with, since she can't remember having sex. It might be a good idea to try and see if any of the other friends can say what happened during the evening without telling them any details, which might unfortunately be difficult if everyone was drunk.

Yup.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Even if you would have consented if you'd been sober, that doesn't mean that what happened couldn't be rape. It's your consent (and ability to give it) that matters. Not being able to remember sounds horrible, and the fact that you don't remember drinking that much is kind of worrying. I second one of the other anon's suggestions that you go to a doctor to make sure you weren't drugged.

Even if you weren't, though, it's not your fault. I don't think you're stupid. You should be able to feel safe having drinks with friends.

Since you're worried about pregnancy, I think it would be good to look into Plan B, if it's available where you live. I don't know how long it's been, but it could still be effective. In any case, I think it's worth thinking about going to the doctor.

If you didn't consent, or couldn't, it was rape. Regardless of whether you fancied him.

I just never thought

and theres your fucking problem

Actually, I'd say you're a big part of the problem.

Wow. I don't care if you're being serious or if you're trolling--you're the one who needs to think.

Oh good, victim-blaming, just what a thread started by someone who was raped and is looking for advice needs. Sounds like your fucking problem is also not thinking. Or possibly being a giant asshole. One or the other.

fuck off

If you're trying to troll, it's not funny, and even if you're not, you can go fuck yourself. Take your victim-blaming bullshit with you and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Hello, rapist.

I'm with you, anon. Unless OP was drugged without her knowledge (either with actual drugs or by alcohol deception), it's not right to expect other people to be responsible for her frame of mind if she seems like a willing participant.

you can go fuck yourself too

'if she seems like a willing participant' what bullshit

Re: TW talk of rape

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-29 13:20 (UTC) - Expand

Re: TW talk of rape

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-29 15:20 (UTC) - Expand

Re: TW talk of rape

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-29 16:17 (UTC) - Expand

Re: TW talk of rape

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-29 07:14 (UTC) - Expand

Re: TW talk of rape

(Anonymous) - 2012-12-29 08:53 (UTC) - Expand

You're not stupid, or fucked-up, or a failure, or in any way at fault for this.

It doesn't matter if you would have consented if you'd been sober. The fact that you weren't means that you didn't have the opportunity to consent. What you might have agreed to under other circumstances doesn't make it okay that he never gave you the chance.

I don't even remember drinking that much.

This makes me wonder if you even did "drink that much," or if you were drugged with something without your knowing. I don't know if this happened recently enough for any drug to show up in blood work, but please get yourself checked out medically, look into emergency contraception options, get STI tested, and find a rape counselor. I also suggest, if you feel up to it, that you try to talk to your friends who were present at the party to get a clearer idea of what happened -- if they're sure it was this guy who took advantage of you, and what else may have happened.

You deserve help in coping with this. Being raped is not your fault; it's no one's fault but the rapist's. If you don't feel that your mother would be supportive, I hope you have some friends, family, or other trusted individuals you can rely on as a support network, because you both need and deserve one.

Oh, OP, I wish I was there to help you.

Please listen to the other commenters' advice and try to get yourself a rape kit at nearest hospital. You can undergo tests for pregnancy and STDs there and receive treatment, too.

I'm going to give some unpopular advice:

You may not have been raped.

What am I saying with that? I'm not saying that you're remotely at fault for what happened or that you should feel bad. You SHOULD go to the doctor and get tested like people are saying, including a rape kit.

I'm saying you should stop assuming the worst until you have more information in hand, because this might be hurting you. You don't deserve that. PREPARE yourself for the worst, but please don't assume something you don't know yet. Talk to friends who were at the party. Ask if he seemed sober, or if they noticed anything fishy about how he was acting or how you were reacting. If this turns out to have been rape it'll help to have witnesses to either go to the police or at least warn other women away. This guy may not be a rapist--he might just be someone who has sex when he's blackout drunk--but that's still a warning sign other people should know about before drinking with him.

Is there a councilor who can talk to? You need advice better than an internet forum can give you right now. But please, please, please see a doctor.

Edited 2012-12-29 07:12 (UTC)

If you're worried about pregnancy you might want to go and get morning after pill right away. I'm not sure where you are, but in my state you can get it over the counter. It works for up to 72 hours.

...Seriously, though, I know you're trying your best to support the OP, but your advice seems more geared toward protecting the guy from being preemptively labeled a rapist. The OP's friends might not have even been in the position to observe what was going on with him (we don't know how drunk they were).