[ SECRET POST #2219 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2219 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


__________________________________________________



02.
[Oofuri]


__________________________________________________



03.
[Adventure Time]


__________________________________________________



04.
[How I Met Your Mother]


__________________________________________________



05.
[Gangnam Style/PSY]


__________________________________________________



06.
[Arthur Conan Doyle]


__________________________________________________



07.
[Sherlock]


__________________________________________________



08.
[Richard Armitage]


__________________________________________________



09.
[Bioshock 1&2, Heavy Rain, Silent Hill 1&3, Alias, Taken 1&2, Once Upon A Time]


__________________________________________________



10.
[Lizzie Bennet Diaries]


__________________________________________________



11.
[Steam Powered Giraffe]


__________________________________________________



12.
[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]


__________________________________________________



13.
[Ghost World/Safety Not Guaranteed]


__________________________________________________



14.
[Patalliro]


__________________________________________________



15.
[Bones]


__________________________________________________



16.
[Hetalia]


__________________________________________________



17.
[Dynasty Warriors]


__________________________________________________












Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 060 secrets from Secret Submission Post #317.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - personal attack ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

Let's say your boyfriend has these pretty strict views on how a relationship should go: Move together, get married, have kids... and you're more of the "I like having my own space, marriage is fine but I don't know if I want kids" sort. You both know it and both of you are basically only waiting for the other to change their mind.

Mainly on the moving-in situation though since you're both only in your mid-twenties and not planning on the other stages yet.

Do you think it would be wiser to quit the relationship now even though it's basically fine, but you know in the future there will probably be drama because your views are too different and very unlikely to change, or would you think it's wiser to just let it play out and be happy with what you have?

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

It depends on what he wants. If you're happy with how you are now and he isn't then it is going to become an issue. I think you should talk to him about it, and if he is dead-set on move in-marriage-babies- then you might need to just stay friends.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

If you guys have such different views about the future, you shouldn't expect one of you to cave and be unhappy. The relationship probably won't last that long, and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[dancing_clown]

Let it play out, unless he's all "We should move in NOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!" and you're all "I don't wanna!!!!"

I say this because if neither of your are itching for marriage just yet and you don't know if you don't want kids, it seems silly to cut and run on what could wind up being a good thing. And moving in doesn't have to mean "We are together 24/7." Create your own space where you live.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[kallanda_lee]

I'm personally not the marrying kind, don't want kids,and don't even really feel so passionate about cohabiting.

I've always been very honest about this from the get-go. There have been people who thought I wasn't serious. There have been guys who have been put off by this right in the courting phase and left, and honestly: good riddance.

I can't tell you what to do, but...

I honestly couldn't be in a relationship with someone who's following the "life script". It's not fair on them, but also not fair on yourself. You have just s much right to pursue the life YOU want as they do.

Sometimes people change their minds, but you can't really count on it. If you're just happy hanging out, that's fine. But you really should get this stuff sorted out before cohabiting. Owning property together will really complicate a breakup.

Kids is usually something people feel strongly about. I do not want to deprive anyone of having them, but I won't be popping out any when I don't want them, either.

I feel like there's a few dealbreakers in relationships, things you can't compromise on. I think kids is one of them. Only you can decide if you want to break up, of course, but if this relationship is going to fail over this it will hurt more later than now, because you'll have invested so much more into the relationship.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

It's true about kids. People often feel strongly one way or the other, and they don't usually change their minds.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[chardmonster]

Clarification needed: what do you mean by strict? How does he act about this?

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not sure what you mean, so sorry if my answer is not the right one.
He doesn't really argue about this stuff. For example he said we couldn't get married if we didn't move together and I disagree - because why not? But he wouldn't be moved from that sentiment because "that's not how it's done" so to speak.

Maybe it would have been better to say he's very traditional about these in a way? But not because he likes tradition so much, but because he's just very convinced that some things have to be done a certain way.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[deenaa]

Neither of you should be expected to cave or settle - while every relationship has compromise, that doesn't mean that large, life changing decisions should be thrust onto you (or him) just because you don't think you'll be happy elsewhere.

Communication is key here. You need to sit down with him and talk about all this future stuff, and see if you can't find a common middle ground. For example, you could eventually move in together but in a way where you have a separate room/study for downtime.

However, if you can't find such an equilibrium at all, and you know it'll cause serious drama and heartbreak in the future, then yes, consider how important this relationship is to you. Is it worth having children you may not want, or a loss of privacy that you're just not comfortable with?

Either way, don't settle. You'll just end up resenting yourself and him for it, and then everyone will be unhappy.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

I'm kind of in the same boat as you are. I need to live in big cities, and plan to live in different places in my life before I choose to "settle down" to one area. I'm not even sure I'm ready to fully commit to someone yet. But my boyfriend, who is perfect for me in every way except this, wants to move back to his hometown after he graduates. I just can't do that. I can't stay in one spot, especially not a small town like his. :-/

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

I'm really sorry for you anon :( And the only hope is really that the other person magically changes their mind... whyyyyy!

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

You both know it and both of you are basically only waiting for the other to change their mind

yeaaaahhhh, this is pretty much the worst idea ever. Personally I would probably break up with him now before I became even more attached to him only to inevitably separate later. That's just me though, I don't think anyone can make this decision for you

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

Genuinely curious: if marriage is fine, would you then move together with your spouse, or would you want your own living quarters still? I remember reading about a couple (though this was some time ago) who rented two different apartments next to each other, since both had jobs with irregular hours -- I want to say at least one was a writer. Sometimes they would spend the night together, sometimes not.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

I remember reading about a couple (though this was some time ago) who rented two different apartments next to each other

Man, that would be awesome. I was thinking about maybe just having a separate bedroom from my spouse but that's tops

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I'd still want to live on my own. The solution you described would be perfect of course, I've proposed it too but so far he only responded by saying he didn't like where I live.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton (used to) do this. I'm not sure if they're still in that kind of living arrangement, but I heard her talk about it in an interview once and thought I WANT THAT.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[yeahscience]

NGL, I think this would be the only way I could ever live with someone. Or at least some kind of separate space.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[insanenoodlyguy]

Your boyfriend has an endgame. He looks at you and presumably sees the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And he wants to get on that. Which to him, means living together.

It sounds like you've been together some time, so it's not some delusional sort being all weird about it to soon, but rather you and him having very different wants. The life you see for yourself just isn't compatible with his vision.

I think that could ultimately lead to the both of you being unsatisfied and frustrated. Eventually, he will likely become more insistent about it as you grow older and he sees his window slipping away. Then it could go sour.

While things are still largely positive, I'd sit down and lay out how it is right now. Before the drama occurs. Hopefully you can find a path both of you are happy with. If not, you can end it now and both of you can ideally find people that fit better with what you want.

I'm sure you care for each other very much. But in and of itself that doesn't mean it will work.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[lunabee34]

I've seen too many long term relationships, including marriages, implode because the people involved kept waiting for the other person to change his or her mind. I've especially seen kids be the dealbreaker. No one should feel pressured to change their opinion on that in either direction; it breeds a hell of a lot of resentment.

I would personally find someone whose long term goals are more compatible with my own.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

Have you guys talked about moving in together?

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

It depends, really. Personally, I'd let it go. You and your boyfriend have very different views on the matter, and it's likely that neither of you are going to change your minds (and if one of you does, it's likely to foster resentment), and it's not like these things are life options you can compromise on. You're already not seeing eye-to-eye on aspects of your relationship, and I feel that it's only going to get worse. I mean, it's your decision in the end, but if you can't happily follow his wishes and he can't happily follow yours, then is it really worth staying with him?

Re: Relationship advice :(

[thene]

Quit. I say this mostly because of the kids part - there is nothing more horrible to disagree on. If you do have kids that you never really wanted, they'll know that you resent them; if you don't, he'll never forgive you.

Also, honestly, I find relationship-scripting annoying.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

quit

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

As someone who's been in your boyfriend's position, I have to say... You aren't compatible. He has certain things he's looking for in a relationship (possibly things he needs from a relationship for it to be fulfilling, not just 'wants'.) You don't want those same things. Yeah, there's going to be drama. You're going to clash sooner or later, or else one or the other of you is going to end up giving up what they want to stay in a shitty relationship.

My girlfriend gave me the runaround for five years. She started by saying she'd love to marry and live with me after she finished with school. Then, maybe once she got established in her career. Then it was "well, I'd like to marry you eventually but I'd just want to live in the same city, not share space," which was finally the deal-breaker because at that point why the fuck are we even discussing marriage. So I left, because I realized I'd never be able to build a life I was happpy with if I stayed with her. If she'd been honest from the beginning about not wanting that kind of life, it would have saved a whole lot of heartbreak.

Re: Relationship advice :(

[(Anonymous)]

If she'd been honest from the beginning about not wanting that kind of life, it would have saved a whole lot of heartbreak.

Relationships and emotions are a lot more complicated than that. Your ex girlfriend probably did care about you very much, but didn't know what she really wanted in life. She probably didn't want to settle down, but kept making excuses for you because you meant something to her. Give the girl a bit more credit. You make it sound like she manipulated you into a relationship. But it's best that you two did break up, since this kind of subject is a deal breaker.