fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3144 ]

[ SECRET POST #3144 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3144 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Grace Kelly, Judy Garland]

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[Soragumi, Shizuki Asato]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 020 secrets from Secret Submission Post #449.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
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Details below.

Ok F!S, I am really sorry for what I'm about to drop on you, but I'm having a huge fight with my boyfriend and I'm kinda bugging out and this is the one anon space I go to. We've been fighting since yesterday night, and I honestly can't tell anymore who's the bigger asshole. I'm not expecting anyone else to figure it out for me, but I need to vent.

So, two weeks ago, my boyfriend had a back operation for his herniated disc. It was a really trying time, and he went through a lot of pain and stress, but he's home now and recovering, and he needs a lot of help. So I do everything – the shopping, cooking, cleaning, running errands and so forth, which is of course totally okay. But…honestly, it's not that different from before, because even before he hurt his back, he was kinda turning into a hermit, never leaving the house if he didn't absolutely have to, barely interacting with anyone that wasn't me, so I did all that stuff, anyway. He is obviously dealing with psychological problems (depression, maybe?), but he hasn't seen anyone so far. We have discussed it a couple times, but it's not like I can *make* him talk to anyone. Or maybe I should've. I don't know. I figured I'd give him space, and he'd seek help eventually.

Anyway, so once a week, I'm going to a regular meet-up with some of my friends in the evening. And then I call my boyfriend when I'm on my way back, to ask him if I can bring him something to eat. Since it's usually late, the options are limited – and we are both aware of it. It would probably be better to make plans beforehand, or prepare something, which we sometimes do, but it doesn't always work out.

So, yesterday I call him, after the hang-out, and tell him I'm coming home, and ask if he knows what he wants to eat. He's a little grouchy on the phone, and tells me that he wanted something from a specific place (which he didn't mention before), but that won't work since I'm so late. (Side note, I wasn't unusually late that night; a little on the later side but not much later than usual.) I say sorry, I can't do that anymore, and suggest a couple other things – also the usual, like McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Chinese Noodles, Gyro etc. – the kind of stuff you can get at night. He rejects all my suggestions as boring or gross. (We've had this convo before on those nights; sometimes, he'll take it, and sometimes he won't.) So I say sorry again, but this is the stuff I can get at that hour. He asks me if I can't think of something else I could get. I'll be honest, I'm getting a little impatient, because it's late and I want to go home and I don't feel like mentally checking every takeout place I come by on my 45 min train/bus ride home. So I repeat that these are the things I can get. He says I don' t have to be so bitchy about it, and doesn't believe me. He prompts me to think of more places where I could get food, and then makes snide remarks like, I *would* be able to remember more if wasn't on my smartphone or iPod all the time and would pay more attention to my surroundings. This doesn't exactly prompt me to think harder about what I could get him to eat, tbh, because I'm feeling a little insulted. He accuses me of treating him like an idiot, and then says, "If you can't think of a place to get me something to eat from, right now, I'm hanging up."

So I say, "Okay, then hang up", because I'm a little pissed at that point (and because I honestly can't think of anything to get him on the spot), and he does.

I come home, we keep arguing. I expect an apology from him for being snide and hanging up on me, he expects one because according to him I was hostile on the phone and also failed to produce something to eat for him. He says he did nothing wrong and wasn't rude at all. In fact, his hanging up was his way to *defuse* the situation. He wants me to admit I treated him badly, which I can't because despite being frustrated I honestly wasn't trying to. I say that I felt put on the spot, and he says that knowing all the eateries on my way home is not too much to ask. (Which I guess it technically isn't, but I still think he was being rude to me.) We both refuse to apologize, so eventually, I storm off to the other room and stay there, not talking to him.

As you can probably tell from the ridiculous escalation of this bullshit situation, we've fought about food before. Like I said, he's kind of dependent on me, and I get that this is a shitty position to be in, but he gives me so much shit about it. He constantly criticizes my cooking (I'm not good, but man, I shop *and* cook *and* clean!), criticizes my lack of creativity in the kitchen, doesn't like the handful of standard dishes I can actually make. And again, sometimes he'll accept takeout food, and sometimes he'll be grossed out by it. He's overweight, and has many hang-ups about food. He has this thing where he like, often will not eat something easy like a sandwich or snack or something, and go hungry if he doesn't get something "good". I'm fairly sure that this is a symptom of a problem, since it's not healthy; but anyway, I'm the one who gets the complaints about it.

And like, I really try. I *will* go and get him the takeout he wants, even if it's a whole drive. I *will* buy expensive food if he wants a certain dish. If he mentions a snack he does like, I go and get that. I *have* learned some new dishes. But according to him, I'm not doing enough because I don't make enough suggestions. (Sorry, I'm an uncomplicated eater; I like burgers and fries. And sandwiches and sausage.)

I've brought this up to explain my reaction on the phone, but he says that these past situations shouldn't matter because he has been trying to be better about this (which is true; but I'm still pretty frustrated with this whole topic).

Anyway so, fast forward to tonight, and my boyfriend still hasn't eaten anything. We haven't really talked, either. He's still pissed I retreated to the other room last night. And he has kinda implied that he won't eat until I admit that he did nothing wrong and I was being shitty to him. Which…sorry, but it doesn't feel right to me to do that? Because okay, maybe I was impatient and passive-aggressive (and I have admitted both), and I do feel bad he got nothing to eat, but I really don't think the fight was all on me. And now I kinda feel like he's holding his stomach hostage or something, though it's possible he legit can't eat if we're fighting. (He has gone days without food after big blowouts before. Even if I'm offering to get him anything he wants.) But still. I'm worried about him, but I also don't wanna apologize for a situation I feel not solely responsible for. And I don't think he should be told he is right to treat me like that; the person who went to visit him at the hospital every day. The person who supported him when he couldn't really walk before and after his operation. The person who cooks, cleans, and shops, and, y'know, loves him.

So like…that's the situation right now. I'm not sure how to resolve it. I'm torn between how ridiculous that is on the surface, and how crappy it feels. And I really hope I can get him to eat something soon. But like…am I crazy? Am I totally in the wrong?

And yeah, I know that one or both of us probably still need therapy. Yikes.

...what kind of pain meds is BF on? B/c the side effects of pain meds that target nerve pain list irritability, loss of appetite, and anxiety (which can manifest as paranoia). Just a thought.

nayrt - This is true, but there are no pain meds than turn you into a dick who is unable to realize he's being a dick and who refuses to apologize. It might exacerbate bad behavior, but it's not an excuse for bad behavior. He can be in pain and depressed and anxious WITHOUT taking it out on other people, and if he slips up, he can apologize.

Anon's BF has done none of those things. So it doesn't matter what pain meds he's on or what side effects they cause.

AYRT

He's not on pain meds anymore, actually! He did have all those side effects, but he's not in so much pain anymore after the successful surgery.

However, his herniated disc was really severe, and he might have some lasting damages from it; like numbness and reduced mobility. So that's of course been really hard on him, and has probably worsened any depression and anxiety he has. He has the opportunity to go to a rehab center after his operation, and I really hope they'll offer counseling or group talks as well.

Take two: Let him cool down. he sounds depressed which can be exacerbated by surgery. Also, if they put him steroids that can make him angry. In a couple of days, sit down with him and suggest therapy seriously.

Stop enabling him. Stop allowing his tantrums. Continue to offer to bring food home, but don't put up with his "name every restaurant until I hear one I like" BS. If he wants something, he can put in some effort to help acquire it. He can narrow down what he's in the mood for - pizza, Italian, Mexican, chicken, sandwich, soup. You are not required to make decisions for him. When you stop, he will be forced to grow up. Is there food in the house? He'll eat when he's really hungry. If not, call Adult Protective Services.

You're not in the wrong, your boyfriend is. He's also a gigantic manchild, and you should really, really consider whether or not you want to be his mother for life, because this is apparently what he wants out of a relationship. Yes, he might be depressed and in recovery, but this does not excuse being a jerk to you when you are the one doing nearly all the work around the house. You were doing something nice for him by picking up some food. All he had to do was make a decision about what food he wanted, and you would hand deliver it to his bedside and THAT was too much for him? And then he wants to make you feel guilty when you're already waiting for him hand and foot? Let me ask you something... if your situations were reversed and you were laid up in bed unable to move much, do you think your boyfriend would pick up the slack and do everything you're doing for him, competently and without expecting a damn ticker tape parade for doing what competent adults do every day? My guess is NO.

So nah, fuck that guy. This is not a healthy relationship and you deserve better. This thread was made for people in your situation:

http://www.metafilter.com/151267/Wheres-My-Cut-On-Unpaid-Emotional-Labor

I know it's long, but it's worth a read for the insights and anecdotes from other women who are stuck doing the bulk of the emotional labor in their relationships for people who don't value the work.

AYRT

I love my boyfriend, but I'm really feelin' this right now. And I'm going to read that thread, too. Thank you.

You're welcome. There's a lot of variety in that thread, not just from people who are bitter about exes. Lots of women read it, suddenly realized that THIS is why they always feel drained or taken for granted or unhappy even though they love their partner. Sadly, getting the partner to realize it is a whole other thing, but that thread alone is a good eye-opener for people (like you) who wonder if they're being unreasonable.

I've tried to reply to you twice, lol. Hopefully this one doesn't get deleted!

So it sounds to me, from this very limited description, like your relationship has turned into more of a caregiver situation than a relationship between two equals. Your bf has every right to be grumpy because healing sucks. On the other hand, he needs to respect that you are caring for him as best you can. When you start saying things like he criticizes what you cook, will "accept" takeout sometimes, etc., it really sounds like he is being both incredibly childish and overbearing/manipulative.

I have no idea how long you guys have been together, so I'm not sure how much work you're willing to put into this. But you need a partner, not a child. He needs to step up and take responsibility for himself, even if it's just in small ways like making a suggestion as to what you could have for dinner before it becomes a dire situation. If he's not willing to do that, and keeps blaming you for not caring for him properly, you need to ditch him before he drags you down further.

Sorry about the deletes, was moving anon's post into its own thread!

Re: relationship bullshit; warnings for tl;dr, possible eating disorders, all-around stupid bullshit

(Anonymous) - 2015-08-13 23:50 (UTC) - Expand

Oh man, this hits home so hard you don't even know. But, yeah, he's manipulating you into feeling bad because he feels bad. He also wants to see you worry and cry over him because it probably makes him feel loved.

Now me, I'm the master of insincere apologies and fake tears just to get shit over with because dealing with drawn out pouting and "you don't love me" or "you're trying to hurt me" bullshit when it's clearly untrue is just not what I'm about.

I mean, how do you usually resolve these situations when he wants an apology you aren't willing to give?

AYRT

Thanks. Don't take this the wrong way, but it's...really comforting to know I might not be the only one dealing with crap like this?^^* I hope you're okay!

It...I'm ngl, it does often end with me pulling that fakepology you're talking about, because at some point we're both too exhausted to keep it up? But like...I feel like I shouldn't do this anymore. So here we are.

Eventually, of course, he *will* eat, even though that can take days sometimes. I just really hate to wait this out, you know? But yeah, he's an adult; he needs to make these decisions himself and I need to not fret about it.

I don't have the energy to reply to every single comment, but I wanted to say thank you to every one of you, and thanks for even engaging with this monster post, omfg. Just venting about it and getting some outside perspectives makes me feel better.

Obviously I don't know the entire story, just what you've told us. Even so I'm going to say you're not totally in the wrong.

Yes, what happened last night might be because he's in pain or because of medication or because he's frustrated he's dependent on you. But his previous behavior wasn't exactly stellar either.

I've been/am (?) depressed, I have issues with food, and it can totally suck and occasionally it has made me want to strike out at the people closest to me. But feeling shitty doesn't give you the right to make others feel shitty too.

He's a grown man, hopefully capable of some rational thought. He loves and cares about you and after all you've done for him he should know you feel the same way. That should be enough for him to at least try to empathize with you and your situation.

And yes, I do suggest getting some therapy. This isn't healthy for either of you.

Oh man I wish I had the time to respond to you properly but I don't, but I just wanted to say I'm getting some pings here that are not good in terms of how your boyfriend is acting, reminds me of my partner who I'm having major issues with. It takes difficult times in the relationship to really bring out true selves and dynamics. His asking YOU for a list of restaurants and rejecting everything you suggest - passive, immature, "you are well and I resent that, you do the legwork mentally too" when you're doing HIM a favour - is there the sense in the relationship that if he suffers, you have to take on his unhappiness, he has to hold your health over your head, ie is he acting like a martyr? And now he's not eating, FFS, that is NOT your responsibility for him acting like a silly toddler, that sounds like manipulating you into feeling sorry/concerned for his "hunger strike" and abandoning the fact that you're pissed off with him behaving badly. Refuse to take responsibility for the things he CAN control, cut the emotion, shrug, say something like, I'm sorry, I'm trying to help you, there's limited options here. Don't feed into the drama he's trying to create to drag you into his self-pity.

I get that he's depressed (I know how bad it is, I've been there), but he sounds like your child, not your boyfriend. Jesus. He needs to grow up.

Oh boy.

I'm going to do my best to organize my thoughts on this. I have a lot of them, and they may come out a bit jumbled.

First, I have no doubt that he's experiencing some form of depression, anxiety, or a combination of the two. The fact that he was secluding himself prior to the surgery; the fact that he's now in need of so much help; and the fact that he will not put in the effort to do what he's able to take care of himself all point to that. Even his passing simple decision-making onto you is a sign.

He needs the kind of help for that that you aren't going to be able to give. And, to be quite frank, you are currently enabling him to remain in this state, because there's no incentive for him to get out of it.

I know that sucks to hear, and I also know that it sucks to have to tell someone who's suffering that there are things you can no longer do for him. But it's very unlikely that he'll ever go to therapy (which he sorely needs) if he's got someone so wrapped up in his emotional needs that he's able to avoid dealing with them.

Second, depression or not, his behavior is not acceptable. The constant criticism of your efforts; the demand that you figure out what food he wants to eat for him; the threat to not eat until you apologize... It is manipulative, it is controlling, and it is not how you treat someone you love. You are giving everything to him, and it's not enough; he still wants more.

What is he giving to you? Who's taking care of you? When do you get to rest and recharge? Yes, he needs care, but it's important that you're able to take care of your own mental and emotional needs, as well, and it doesn't sound, from what you've written, as if he's allowing for that (even with your weekly outing).

I'm sorry, OP, because I'm awful at explaining what to do when it comes to this stuff. But I do think you need to set firmer boundaries, and if there are things that he is able to do for himself, you need to stop doing those things. He'll pitch a fit, but he won't ever fully get better if he never starts transitioning into taking care of himself.

And if he won't stop verbally castigating you and treating you like a servant, then you might want to consider whether or not it's worth staying.

Edited 2015-08-14 02:00 (UTC)

This is a good post.

All of this.

+1000 this this this

+4

I hope things get better for you op, with or without him in your life.

It sounds to me more like these are control issues than pain issues.

Which ...is quite understandable given that he likely feels that his life is out of control at the moment (this is a very common reaction to a chronic/ongoing injury). That doesn't mean you're required to put up with his trying to control you through food choices or otherwise. It does mean that he should likely talk to a psychologist about the issues he's having, because you are quite correct that this sort of thing can and does result in eating disorders.

Ultimately this is not your problem to fix, nor is it a problem that you can fix. The best course of action would be to try to convince him to talk to someone.

He's seriously going to starve himself until you grovel? Yeah, let him. This is a power thing: he wants the sight of you fretting over him, and the power trip of rejecting every one of your suggestions, more than he wants to eat. He's a grown-ass man; when he's hungry enough, he can make up his mind to ask for something specific. You're not crazy; ignore him and go about your business with a clear conscience.

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