Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2012-07-02 06:36 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2012-07-02 06:36 pm
[ SECRET POST #2008 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2008 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
01.
__________________________________________________
02.
__________________________________________________
03.
__________________________________________________
04.
__________________________________________________
05.
__________________________________________________
06.
__________________________________________________
07.
__________________________________________________
08.
__________________________________________________
09.
__________________________________________________
10.
__________________________________________________
11.
__________________________________________________
12.
__________________________________________________
13.
__________________________________________________
14.
__________________________________________________
15.
__________________________________________________
16.
__________________________________________________
17.
__________________________________________________
18.
__________________________________________________
19.
__________________________________________________
20.
__________________________________________________
Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 088 secrets from Secret Submission Post #287.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Re: Same Anon
And now I realize you probably meant the trope of this secret. That's more a frustration at poor writing. Most high school couples don't end up together forever and when they do it's usually a lot more choppy and it's boring to see them continually portrayed as having no relationship problems and just coasting to a happy ending.
Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 12:25 am (UTC)(link)But yeah, I see the difference between being annoyed at the actual behavior and being annoyed because it's bad/unrealistic writing. I think for a lot of the examples people talk about, though, it's mostly because they're not primarily a romance series and so if they're going to take the easy way out with something, it might as well be the romantic subplot and not the central plot? They make it relatively smooth sailing on the romance front to put all the drama on the defeating the bad guy/completing the quest/finding the lost treasure plot. Doesn't make it less annoying, of course (and I think that if people are going to half-ass a romance subplot to the point where it's not even entertaining, they might as well just leave it out.), but I'd assume that's why it's so prevalent.
Re: Same Anon
My issue with the writing is because it just reinforces all those annoying teenager tropes and sometimes encourages extreme behavior in young couples to "prove" their love for each other.
/While you might just be hormonal and everything does feel worse when it's happening to you and you are still a teenager and relatively inexperienced at coping with emotion I just want to make sure you're not suffering from depression? Some of the things you said in your first paragraph worried me a little.
Re: Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 03:03 am (UTC)(link)Re: Same Anon
Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 10:07 am (UTC)(link)idk. i'm not a very good person and I don't really think I deserve help, and people keep giving me contradictory information on the subject.
Re: Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 10:12 am (UTC)(link)Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 11:35 am (UTC)(link)Re: Same Anon
Please call these numbers and get help.
National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)
Re: Same Anon
You do deserve help. You are not a bad person. You do not deserve how your father makes you feel. Parents don't always know what is best and what you're describing here to me sounds like abuse. You can still love your father while he does inappropriate things. You are not responsible for what he does and the fact that you seem so guilty for disappointing his unreasonable expectations seems to be a side-effect of his negative influence. I really wish I knew a way to help you but all I can say is please speak to someone you trust in real life. I can't stress enough how much you do not deserve and are not responsible for what is happening.
I am legitimately concerned by what you said and feel awful. In no way do I think this situation is at all your fault and I cannot stress enough how much I hope you can find someone in real life who can help you with this. I am in no way equipped to handle this. If you don't have anyone in your life you can confide in please call these toll-free numbers and talk to someone about your situation if only to get some perspective and realize this is not your fault.
National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)
Re: Same Anon
And when it is - well, that's why there's fanfiction. :D
Not to mention that sometimes there are things you enjoy in fiction because it's not really applicable in your real life. i.e. I often enjoy possessiveness in romances in fiction, in spite of (and maybe partly because of) how much I hate possessiveness in my girl- and boyfriends in real life. I am not really a big fan of those "perfect" romances, but I know a lot of people are, often for the sole reason being because they don't often happen in real life, even though we really, really want them to.
I know what you mean about worrying about fitting to youthful stereotypes. I worried about the same thing. I still worry, sometimes, as I'm only 19, that I will portray rather negative stereotypes about college kids my age. Irony: most older people mistake me for being much older than I am in situations where I'm talking with them but my youthful appearances aren't obvious, and some people my age chide me for being "too old". (Apparently, choosing my course of college studies based on on a combination of skills, interests, and job prospects instead of just "following my heart" makes me old. It takes a LOT of self control to not shake all these people and ask them how the fuck they expect to feed themselves and keep a roof over their heads once they're done with college and their parents can't or won't support them any longer, if they do at all right now.)
As some people have said, there really is no winning when it comes to being a teenager. There are ancient Egyptian inscriptions of adults complaining about teenagers, so this really isn't a new problem. Certainly, rewording your issues does wonders (change "nobody understands me" to "I have trouble making people understand me" - double whammy of focusing in on the problem and being less woe-is-me-centric). But ultimately, it's best to just go about doing whatever and not worrying too much what other people think about you. People are going to think things no matter what you do, so you might as well do what you want and be done with it. Most of the time, however bad scathing looks and comments and judgments feel at the time, you'll forget them soon enough - and if you're willing to take a step back while in the moment, a lot of them are funny, too! (A lot of people are quick to shell out compassion and sympathy when I mention I had four separate pregnancy rumors spread about me in high school during my freshman year, but I actually found all of them quite funny, and in one case even screwed around with the rumor monger for my own amusement).
Haters gonna hate. Move on, and eventually they will, too.
Re: Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 10:51 am (UTC)(link)Re: Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 11:53 am (UTC)(link)...wow, anon. I'm sorry, but your comment did come off as rather hostile, jsyk.
Your dad's an abusive jerk, by the way :(
Re: Same Anon
There's very little that will ever be funny to me about my father spitting on me, calling me worthless and threatening to kick me out, and I doubt there ever willl be.
My advice isn't universal. There are certainly many situations where other people's opinions matter and you should certainly care about them. I may have missed something you said in another comment elsewhere in the thread, so I don't necessarily have all the details. If your father is threatening to kick you out for dating someone, then absolutely you should avoid dating him or doing whatever is going to get you kicked out. If, however, your only problem is not wanting to appear like a stereotypical teenager - but you won't actually face any particularly serious consequences for being one/appearing as one - then no, other people's opinions won't really matter in that context, which is what I assumed the given situation was.
I'm looking over what I wrote, and I'm...honestly not sure where I gave off the impression that you should bend over backwards to please people. You don't have to bend over backwards or constantly please people to be polite. Sometimes being polite will do nothing but piss people off, in all honesty, but more often than not it'll make people like you, or at least give them less/no reason to hate you on sight. Rewording things doesn't meant tip-toeing around issues or trying to be politically correct - it's just a way to better help people understand you. In the example I gave, "nobody understands me" is extremely vague and has many connotations of self-centeredness which is why it's so negatively associated with teenagers. The line I gave was making the answer slightly less vague/generic and a little less self-centered, which can, reduce the appearances of being a stereotypical teenager, which seemed to be your primary concern based on your comments.
As for the majors thing - it's not about picking majors (though that makes up the bulk of the issue), it's about being practical about one's future. I know kids who are taking highly impractical majors (like the infamous "pathway to homelessness" major Philosophy) but have plans for their course of studies and their futures. While they may or may not have picked this major based entirely on their desires, they are thinking ahead. The kids I was talking about are ones who are just picking something either nearly at random or based entirely on what they want to study with little to no consideration for their futures or how they will make their way through life once they are done with college and no longer have a safety net. I don't expect people to have their future perfectly planned out - hell, I certainly don't - but a little consideration as to what you would like to do as a career field or how you might apply your skills/major into supporting yourself is paramount. The reason why I judge them so harshly is based not just on this issue alone, but also the ripples they cause in the rest of the college system they are in - but that's another can of worms that's not entirely relevant here. The simplified version is that people with no plans who are dicking around college just for the hell of it without actually doing it are making life much more difficult for the rest of us who are trying to get something done, often on a tight schedule, and make something of our lives.
And I never meant to imply this, and if I did, I'm sorry - but I don't think being gentle and sensitive is a bad thing. I'm pretty certain that if a portion of the human population weren't sensitive and gentle, we as a species would've ripped ourselves apart and died off a long time ago. That said, being gentle and sensitive isn't going to be an applicable plan in every situation - no personality trait is (including my..."machismo"? Me being macho is...actually also rather funny, and I'm not entirely sure where that one came from, either). Again, if someone is threatening to kick you out of your home because of your dating habits, then that's a different ball game entirely and that's not really what I was talking about at all. And yes, I understand that not everyone is good as ignoring rumors and harsh words - but there are periods in everyone's life where there isn't much else you can do.
Life is full of "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situations, and once you're in one the only thing you can really do is try to make the best of what you have.
Re: Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 02:32 am (UTC)(link)However, I do recommend that you keep an eye on this. If the sadness doesn't go away, you might be dealing with actual depression, which can be caused by anything ranging from not having enough of certain nutrients (like, Lithium, for example. Have a shortage of that, and depression happens. Eat dates [the fruit], if you're not allergic to counter that), to a chemical imbalance in your brain, to an actual tragedy, to I-don't-even-know-what-else.
As for the "not wanting to act like an obnoxious teenager" part; the fact that you're conscious of your own behavior is already a good sign.
In general, things that people find annoying is the "I know what's best for everyone" attitude that people above mentioned; the "I've got life figured out" attitude, acting as if you're better or superior than everyone else (this one is actually very hard to spot on yourself), anything that reeks of arrogance or thinking of yourself as the only person that matters.
If you often (mostly) talk about any topic in relation to how it is affecting you and your life, that's the kind of thing that people find annoying.
Mostly watch out for that; it's hard not to view the world around you in terms of how it affects you because, you know, survival instincts; and also cooping up your emotions and never sharing your worries can be unhealthy, but mostly watch out for who you are venting to.
It's probably best to focus those rants on your friends, who are presumably around your age? and who won't think badly of you for being like that, and avoid ranting at older people or where older people will hear you, who will most likely be all "oh, you're just a teenager, you don't know anything about the world yet...".
TL;DR: It's impossible to please everyone. Your body is kind of acting against you at this age where it comes to self-awareness and self-restraint. Just be aware of where and to whom you're ranting or complaining or sharing advice and opinions and you'll be fine. Experience will come to you the more you actually go and see of the world. Date people you like. Learn about romance. But only if that's what you want. Don't feel like you have or don't have to.
Also, I feel awkward saying this, but if you have sex, use a condom! And go slowly. Take your time with foreplay and so on. And don't be in a hurry to have sex if you don't want to and oh god what am I your local TV show after-school special or what :V
Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 03:17 am (UTC)(link)ranting to my friends is a lot more enjoyable because they usually get where I'm coming from, but then I feel guilty, like I'm hiding something from adults who think I'm a good person. Idk, I just feel guilty about 90% of the time about almost everything. My friends have yelled at me for saying "sorry" too much, and then I feel like I have to apologize for that.
Re: Same Anon
You're not a bad person for venting! Just be mindful about who you say things to. :) I'm pretty sure you are a good person, the fact that you care so much about who you are and how people perceive you attests to that!
anon you replied to
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 05:53 am (UTC)(link)I felt the same way when I realized how I was censoring some of my thoughts depending on who I was with, but it's really not a bad thing nor does it make you a deceitful person. If anything, it makes you self-aware and mindful of your social environment, and this is a good thing. You're less likely to accidentally insult or hurt someone this way.
The only thing I can think of to watch out for here is the rumor-mill. For example, if you tell your friend something less than flattering about X person or X group of people — I don't know, let's say that you have a strange hatred of teachers—, and the friend tells a friend who tells a tattletale with the teacher you were talking about, who decides to take a little revenge for your comments on your grade.
But really, those are more extreme cases, and while they're definitely a thing to consider when choosing your words and company, they're something that you aren't very likely to run into, from the sound of your posts. You seem like a fairly self-conscious person and it doesn't sound like you're spiteful or mean with your words, so I wouldn't worry to much about it. Just something to keep in mind, but not obsess over it.
And, um, I kind of forgot where I was going with this.
But anyway! You're not a bad person for behaving and saying things a little differently around different groups of people, or for holding back certain things around some people and not others. I've been like that and I know how it feels, but I found that the solution (not just in real life but also on the internet) is to try to be diplomatic and do my best to choice my words carefully to avoid demeaning or insulting people. It still fails, but I'm learning from each experience.
And thinking through what you want to say or type at length has the added benefit of making you reevaluate your ideas, morals and values, so you can find if there's something lurking in your subconscious that you don't like and work on correcting that.
Re: Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 05:26 am (UTC)(link)Lol, I just had to picture the anon confusedly gnawing on her boyfriend because of your advice if you hadn't specified the fruit.
ayrt
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 05:41 am (UTC)(link)Re: Same Anon
Maybe it was just the kind of people I hung out with in high school, but per my experience, that's part of being a typical teenager, too. =D
Re: Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 04:44 am (UTC)(link)It's painful, I know it is, to look in the mirror and say to yourself, "Stop that. You're being ridiculous. No one cares, and you won't care in the morning, so go get some sleep instead of making a whiny livejournal post and you'll be fine." It's painful to stop yourself in moments of glorious self-pity and tell yourself off for feeling down, when people in the world (and even people around you!) have it so much worse than you do. It's painful to stop yourself in moments of joy and wonder if you're irritating others and whether you should tone it down.
It's great that you've realised you have tendencies to act in ways which might annoy people. You know what to watch for, and how to moderate your behaviour in public or around people you don't know well. With age and maturity, it'll become second nature, and you'll be able to interact with people easily without it having to be a constant mental battle against yourself.
But when you start to police your own emotions, that's when this practice starts to hurt you. It might take you a while to really understand and believe this and take it to heart, but you have every right to feel the way you feel, even if it's a cliche feeling for the situation, or the reasons for it are stupid. Your feelings (especially the feelings of sadness you mentioned) are real, and valid, and you don't have to dismiss them just because it's a stereotypical teenager thing to be sad. I don't know anything about your situation, but I do know that your hormones are doing wacky things right now, and that alone is a damn good reason to be sad. And you don't even need a good reason to be sad! I know I didn't.
Keeping a journal might help, but only if you can get past those mental blocks you've got set up right now that say "I need to be not-annoying to everyone" and write only for an audience of you. Keeping a journal will also help you see what progress you've made, or keep track of whether things are getting worse. And I feel the need to mention that clinical depression is a real illness, just as much as diabetes or a broken leg, and it often manifests during or around puberty. It's not 'stereotypical' or 'annoying' to get it as a teenager.
If you think your sadness has gone beyond what you can handle, please do talk to someone! I hope you have a good friend or an adult you can trust and rely on, but if you don't, there are resources like school counsellors, Kid's Help Phone, or even f!s. You don't have to shoulder it all alone. Being mature doesn't mean being able to carry the weight of the world. It also means recognising when you need someone to take some of the load for you.
Just remember that, even if there are people out there who wish you'd shut up and go away, there are also people who care about you and want only the best for you. Even some complete strangers. <3
Same Anon
(Anonymous) 2012-07-03 09:43 am (UTC)(link)