fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2241 ]

[ SECRET POST #2241 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2241 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08. removed!

__________________________________________________

09.

__________________________________________________

10.

__________________________________________________

11.

__________________________________________________

12.

__________________________________________________

13.

__________________________________________________

14.

__________________________________________________

15.

__________________________________________________

16.

__________________________________________________

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 042 secrets from Secret Submission Post #320.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 (minorly sexual, illustrated) - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Doing this thread again because last time it was pretty late and got few replies. (The ones I did get were quite interesting, thank you to people who commented!)

The subject came up the other week of people who tell other people they'll pray for them, and how some find it offensive. So far the problem seems to be mostly when a religious person insists on praying for someone they know is an atheist. Are there any religious people who are bothered when they hear "I'll pray for you?" When the two people are of the same religion, even? On the flipside, does anyone find it a compliment when someone says this? Tell me your feels, FS.

The only thing that bothers me is someone telling me I have to believe in god for things to get better if they catch me in a depressed or some sort of miserable state.

I had that happen to me recently too :|

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

morieris - 2013-02-21 00:40 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

supermanda - 2013-02-21 02:00 (UTC) - Expand

i'm buddhist, but i can't really find anything wrong with somebody saying they'll pray for me. i mean, it depends on the context i guess. i've heard people say that who are really just trying to be insulting. but if they genuinely care about you and your well being, then i guess the sentiment just seems sweet more than anything.

does anyone find it a compliment when someone says this?

It's like 'I hope you get better/find a job/repaint your car orange' but instead of just throwing out a line they'll pass the concern off to a deity.

As an atheist, I find it incredibly stupid when people get worked up about people saying they'll pray for them. It's not meant as an affront or a challenge - it is (at least in my experience) mostly meant as a sincere expression of concern and compassion. It may be expressed in different terms but that's no reason to get worked up or offended about it. At least appreciate it for what it is in human terms, for Pete's sake.

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

saku - 2013-02-21 01:35 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

(Anonymous) - 2013-02-21 02:51 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

(Anonymous) - 2013-02-21 03:32 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

(Anonymous) - 2013-02-21 09:49 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

(Anonymous) - 2013-02-21 15:28 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

cbrachyrhynchos - 2013-02-21 16:37 (UTC) - Expand

I consider myself spiritual, if not formally religious, and I consider it a compliment, no matter what religion the person saying it is. It basically means that the person cares about me and what happens to me and is sending good vibes my way. I figure some extra positive energy can't hurt, even if I don't believe in the religion of the person who said it to me.

I grew up in a religious family with religious friends.

More specifically I grew up with a very religious mother and her friends, and a "culturally" religious dad's side of the family. Mom and I went to church, dad slept.

Whenever my mom or one of her friends says they'll pray for me, I know they mean it only in a positive way, in that they just want good things to happen to me. The only time I get uncomfortable is when mom tries to push me back into "the fold" as it were by saying good things happening to me are PROOF of God's existence (note that I have never said anything one way or another about God's existence, only that it was irrelevant to me) but that's really quite different from just "my prayers are with you" innit?

Whenever someone from my dad's side of the family says it, I get irritated, because it's usually condescending (neither my dad nor my aunt are really receptive of 'different' -- I mean, okay, neither is my mom but she's far more willing to let it slide because she prioritizes different things.)

It's definitely a context thing. My mother is super judgmental, but she loves people regardless of how she feels about their politics or orientation or whatever else she doesn't agree with. Not exactly great, but better than my dad, who is super judgmental and would really rather gay liberals would just disappear so they can stop ruining his life by existing. So my reactions to the whole prayer thing definitely have a lot to do with the kind of person who's saying it.

Depends, what are they praying for you for? I've had people tell me they'd pray for me when I told them I'm not of their religion and not straight. Sooo...

If someone wants to pray for me for protection, I don't care what God or gods they worship, I would say thank you. They're worried for me and want me to be safe. And, frankly, I would want as many all powerful, immortal figures as I could get on my side.

In general I find it grating, but I try to take it in the spirit in which it's said.

It seems pretty obnoxious to tell an atheist you'll pray for them. It might be well intentioned some of the time, but it's still very self centered. I don't want to hear about people's religion, and I don't want them to involve me in it. That goes double if I already have something stressful going on. If you really need to pray for someone you know doesn't share your beliefs, why not do it and not tell them? Your god probably doesn't care.

I'm Jewish (not super-religious, but not an atheist either) and I feel very uncomfortable when a Christian says they will pray for me. I suspect I wouldn't mind if a non-Christian said it, but so far the only people who have said they'll pray for me are Christians.

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

(Anonymous) - 2013-02-21 01:04 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

eaten_by_bears - 2013-02-21 02:02 (UTC) - Expand

Hey would you mind linking to the first discussion?

I am an atheist and I wouldn't be categorically offended. If I were in a bad situation I would just take it as a religious persons way of saying "I will think of you and I wish for your best." But on the other hand, it can be a very condescending thing to say. For example, I had people trying to convert me and then saying that to me after I rebuffed them.

So I guess for me it depends very much on the context.

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

(Anonymous) - 2013-02-21 01:07 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

ypsilon42 - 2013-02-21 01:12 (UTC) - Expand

It irritates me - and yes, offends me, too - because most of the time its condescending and in response to finding out i'm an atheist (or a pagan, years ago), have tattoos, am bi, am pro-choice, am a liberal....

It's like 'oh, you poor deluded thing, let me beg my sky-god to fix you up and make you aaaaaaaall better!!'

Just - please fuck off, those people. I think prayer is pointless and i don't see the point of anyone wasting time on praying for me when, for instance, my dad died. I don't believe, and it sure as fuck wasn't going to bring my dad back, so it's mostly a sop for their feelings.

It bothers me because whenever it's offered to me it's always condescending.

If it were genuinely meant, in the 'I hope whatever is bothering you gets better soon' way, it probably wouldn't bother me then.

I think it depends on the context. Many times, people hear you're in a bad way and they offer it as a condolence or a form of emotional support. "I'm with you. I'm hoping for the best for you."

Other instances people are just being self-righteous dickbags, insinuating because you are different from them, you are lesser, and thus need them to tell on you to God. "Oh, you're a pro-choice minority-loving gay democrat? Poor baby. Seek the Lord to make you right."

So it's all in how it's said, and who's saying it.

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

elaminator - 2013-02-21 02:10 (UTC) - Expand

Are there any religious people who are bothered when they hear "I'll pray for you?"

*raises hand*

If it's a member of my church, regarding a prayer request I've put in, no problem. But some random Baptist (or whatever other kind of Bible-banger on the street) passerby? NOPE NOPE NOPE.

My reasons?

- It's self-righteous.
- It's proselytizing (this is a big, big no-no, check your Bible if you don't believe me)
- It's self-righteous
- The random Bible-banger who does this is more likely to tun the unwitting recipient AWAY from the idea that not all religious believers are crazy, self-righteous zealots
- Did I mention it's self-righteous?

It depends on the situation and the person saying it and I generally don't get angry about it, but I often feel that people who say "I'll pray for you" are hoping to appear useful in a situation in which they have no actual, constructive advice or ability to assist. I give them a pass, because they mean well, but it's unfortunate that they think they might be judged for admitting that they have no idea how to fix the problem or that it may be unfixable.

Sometimes what people really need is just sympathy - someone to say "That sucks and I'm sorry," a shoulder to cry on, or a person to vent to. I recognize that not everyone is equally good at showing sympathy - goodness knows Being sympathetic usually means a lot more to a suffering individual than an impersonal offer to pray because it demonstrates that you are seriously acknowledging that suffering rather than washing your hands of the problem and continuing on your way, unbothered.

In the worst cases, it feels like they're saying "I don't really give a shit, but saying this makes me look like a nice person and it's not like you'll ever be able to prove whether I prayed for you or not." This is similar to the idea someone brought up yesterday of people using another person's tragedy to call attention to their own piousness, which I think is also at play here.

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

(Anonymous) - 2013-02-21 01:19 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

(Anonymous) - 2013-02-21 01:25 (UTC) - Expand

And some of the people in this thread are why I have always been taught to say this instead:

First you offer your support/condolences/whatever.* Second, you ask, "Would you like for me to pray for you/the situation/whatever?" If they say no that's the end of that. If they say yes then you do. Boom, problem solved. This generally goes over way better. I've had friends who wanted me to pray and others who haven't.

But yeah, context is huge too. You don't say you're going to pray for people who don't believe the same thing you do. That's just passive aggressive bullshit.

*For whatever they're talking about.

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

eaten_by_bears - 2013-02-21 02:08 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

forgottenjester - 2013-02-21 02:17 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

(Anonymous) - 2013-02-21 10:10 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "It offends me when people say they'll pray for me" (redux)

forgottenjester - 2013-02-21 16:03 (UTC) - Expand

this has never bothered me, speaking as a strictly nonreligious person. then again, i've only ever gotten it from people who do not know me very intimately (and thus are unaware of my lack of religious affiliation), so i just take it to mean "i am concerned for you and hope your conditions improve"
i've always thought it was a very sweet sentiment, even if i view the actual action as meaningless.

I grew up in a Christian household so whenever someone tells me they pray for me, I don't see it as any different from "good luck" or "sending positive thoughts your way," etc. I don't think it's offensive, but that's just me.

I think it depends on the context? Like if you were telling someone what you're up to and they say it, yeah it's nothing. But if you two are in a disagreement and then they say it, I would think it was more of a passive-aggressive "fuck you."

Edited 2013-02-21 01:28 (UTC)

i understand how and why you would find it offensive. i did once too. it may help to see why they say/do that, though. the religious pray for people they care about; it's one of the most sincere forms of respect (in their eyes) and love they can show a person. though you're not religious, they are praying for you because they are, and it matters to them to pray for people even if those people don't share their faith. to them their faith is a reality and they wouldn't exclude people they care about from their prayers simply because they don't share in that faith, if that makes sense? if they think their god is real then, if they're praying for you, they're wanting him/her/whatever to regard you no matter what.

is it the act/concept of praying for you that is offensive, or the fact that people announce it? if it's the latter, maybe if you bring that up with them politely they will understand that you're not asking them to stop, you're just asking them to keep it to themselves, which would go over a lot better than telling them to just not pray for you at all. especially if you've been deeply hurt by the church or what have you, and you explain that, many of them will (hopefully?) be receptive.

in my experience, the vocal religious folks in my life (christians, for what it's worth) are actually very careful not to offend or upset others, even if they do kinda proselytise at times. to be fair though the christians i know are all very active in religious organisations on campus and/or are preachers, lmao. and i've never told them i'm offended by their prayers or whatever - since i'm not - but i do know they are very receptive about those kinds of things. people who respect you will understand if you ask them not to be vocal about their prayers for you.

For me it's all about the context.

If the person saying it is genuinely concerned about me and honestly believe that praying will do some good, it doesn't bother me.

But I live in the south, so it's WAY more common that it's a "polite" way to essentially say "go fuck yourself".

/atheist, for the record

I don't think it really means most people who would say that are literally praying for you. Just that they wish you luck.

Now if they're saying they'll pray for your soul to be saved that's another story.

Atheist here. I'm not offended so long as someone isn't being smarmy about it but I'm not thrilled, either. They mean well, but am I supposed to be over the moon that they're making a show of telling me they're going to "help" me out by doing something that requires almost zero effort and will also give zero results? I just say thank you, change the subject, and remind myself never to tell this person when I'm upset ever again.

If someone told me they were going through a tough time because their dog recently died and I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I'll wave my hands in the air for you" they'd think I was 1) nuts and 2) an asshole for offering to do something pointless as a response to someone who's genuinely feeling bad.