[ SECRET POST #2340 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2340 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


__________________________________________________



02.


__________________________________________________



03.


__________________________________________________



04.
[DJ Qualls/Vanessa Lengies]


__________________________________________________



05.


__________________________________________________



06.


__________________________________________________



07.


__________________________________________________



08.
[Resident Evil Revelations]


__________________________________________________



09.


__________________________________________________



10.


__________________________________________________



11.


__________________________________________________



12.


__________________________________________________



13.
[Teen Wolf]


__________________________________________________



14.
[Alice in Wonderland - Johnny Depp]


__________________________________________________



15.


__________________________________________________




















Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 016 secrets from Secret Submission Post #334.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

So, I'm bi. It's not a secret and I've mentioned it to my mom several times. She always claims she "couldn't care less" and has no problems with it, but I don't quite believe her.

The subject came up today, when she mentioned eating at Chick-Fil-A. I got upset and I'll admit, sort of yelled at her a bit. We've had the argument so many times about how it really bothers me that she eats there knowing what she does about them, but she doesn't really seem to care that it upsets me.

Her argument's that it doesn't matter what they believe, and if they did something harmful to me personally then of course she wouldn't eat there but I guess since it's just abstract gay/bi people out there in the world that she doesn't know, it's acceptable?

Then later on something came up about me being bi and she made some comment about how I "wanted" her to not accept me, and that when I brought a girlfriend home, she would freak out because she knows that that's secretly what I want. WTF. And then she commented that she's "never met someone as in denial about their sexuality" as I am. Again WTF. I responded that I've told her many, many times, so how exactly is that being in denial and she didn't have a response. I realized later that she thinks I'm "in denial" about actually being straight (I've never had a girlfriend because every girl I've had a crush on/been interested in was either straight or completely in denial about liking girls herself, but just because I haven't dated one doesn't mean I don't want to) and that was supported by another comment she said that was basically (I can't remember her exact wording) "well, I'll believe you like girls when you actually bring home a girlfriend, otherwise I think you just want attention".

Gahhhhhh. I don't fucking understand her. She claims to be totally fine with gay people but clearly she is not. And her fucked up thinking is starting to affect me to the point where I start to wonder if dating girls is even worth the drama that it would inevitably cause me and since I do like guys as well, if I shouldn't just date only guys since it would make things a lot easier. But then I feel incredibly guilty for ever even thinking that way to begin with because I don't want to let her make me feel like there's something wrong with me when I know there isn't.

And then part of me is like "fuck her" and I sometimes get to the point where I'm so frustrated that I just want to cut her out of my life completely and be done with it, but I know that deep down she means well and I don't think she's a bad person, but at the same time I don't want to be making excuses for her either.

Just. GAH. I feel so confused and hurt and frustrated and I don't know what to do. :(

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

As someone maybekindasorta bi (wheeeeeeeeee sexuality crisis) with parents who would NOT take me seriously if I told them, I wish I could give you some kind of concrete advice or encouragement.

But that just sucks. I'm really sorry. :(

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you and good luck with your situation too!

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

solutions:

1. bring a girl home (this one will take time, given the lack of availability you've told us about)

2. glare at your mom every time she mentions chick-fil-a or other hurtful things and say nothing else. she will know. oh she will know

3. tell her that it hurts you that she doesn't believe you

3a. ...and then ask her to play matchmaker to help you find a nice girl? two birds one stone


anyway, op, yana :(

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not sure the others will work but I might have to give 2 a try lol. Thank you!

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

First off, there's nothing wrong with you and don't think that for a second. Just to get that out of the way.

Second: Can you clarify this statement? something came up about me being bi and she made some comment about how I "wanted" her to not accept me, and that when I brought a girlfriend home, she would freak out because she knows that that's secretly what I want.

I'm not sure I follow what your mom was saying - was she saying that she would freak out if she actually believed that you liked girls but she doesn't care because she thinks you're a faker? Or is she saying that she would freak out because she thinks you want her to freak out and it would be part of some weird power struggle relationship you have going on? Or what? sorry, I didn't get what your mom was saying there.

Um the other thing I want to say is that it's possible that your mom is less homophobic and more just kind of a dick. I mean, the Chick-Fil-A stuff is whatever and obviously talking about girls faking it is some regressive dumbass bullshit, but it seems to me the problem is as much your mother acting kind of unempathetic and cruel towards you as much as it is about her possible dislike of homosexuals. I don't know if that's necessarily better or worse, but it seems like that's more the scene - this sounds like it's a very personal thing. How is your relationship with your mother generally?

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[illiadandoddity]

I think what her mom is saying is that OP is a drama queen and would secretly enjoy it if her mom freaked out about her bringing a girl home. So she's faking being bisexual because she wants the drama.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

Second: Can you clarify this statement? something came up about me being bi and she made some comment about how I "wanted" her to not accept me, and that when I brought a girlfriend home, she would freak out because she knows that that's secretly what I want.

In her mind, she's super open-minded/accepting/supportive (she has lesbian friends! and she's totally okay with them!) and would have zero issues whatsoever if I were to bring home a girlfriend, and that by bringing it up I'm the one trying to start drama/an argument. She claims that she thinks that I want the drama of her not accepting me. So basically what illiadandoddity said above. And I don't know if that's going to be her way of justifying doing what she actually wants to do when I someday do bring home a girlfriend ("well, of course I flipped out, I was only doing what you wanted!") or if she genuinely believes that I want the drama.

On your second point, that's entirely possible. It's weird because on the one hand she's said in the past that she thinks judging people for being gay/bi is the dumbest thing ever and why would people ever do that, etc., but at the same time I feel like she just... doesn't get it. She doesn't consider it part of your identity/who are but just "who you have sex with" and doesn't understand why anyone comes out because "no one has to come out as straight". She supports marriage equality and has never once said that being gay was bad or wrong or anything so maybe it's not overt homophobia so much as just... ignorance on the subject? I've tried to educate her as much as I can, and she's definitely a lot better than she was a few years ago, so maybe it's just something that's going to take time.

As for our relationship in general, for the most part it's good. She's someone who does not handle stress well at all and verbally lashes out at the people around her, and she's really stressed out right now so I guess that could be part of it. Also, I've admitted to her in the past that I enjoy debating in general and will argue pretty much anything for the hell of it so I halfway wonder if she thinks that's what I'm doing with this (though I've sworn I'm not) and is just... trolling me, essentially.

So I don't know. I guess really the only way to know for sure is to make her put her money where her mouth is and bring home a girl and see how she reacts when it's actually a reality.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

Seems like you'll have to be the adult in this situation and just ignore her crazy statements, because honestly from this description is just sounds like she's looking for a fight/drama.

And let the chik-fil-a thing go. Not everyone who eats there is homophobic. Not a lot of people think boycotting does a lot/is pointless. It's more a difference of philosophy of protest rather than -phobic etc.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

+1 on both counts

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

And let the chik-fil-a thing go. Not everyone who eats there is homophobic. Not a lot of people think boycotting does a lot/is pointless. It's more a difference of philosophy of protest rather than -phobic etc.

Not the OP but I completely disagree. I don't boycott CFA because I think it will do anything or 'has a point'. I know there are homophobic dicks in the world, I know that I most likely will not change their minds, and I have no illusions that boycotting them will cause them to go out of business. However, I can't bring myself to give money to a company that believes in things that I find so heinous. And maybe not everyone who eats there is homophobic but they at the very least find homophobia acceptable (assuming they know about the company's views; I find it hard to believe there are many people who don't after all the media attention, but I'm sure there are *some*).

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

I get that and I guess it isn't really about Chick-Fil-A. It's more that it's something that she knows really upsets me and bothers me and she doesn't care.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

and not everyone who works there is homophobic either. hell, some of them are gay too. not their fault the head honchos are dicks and jobs are difficult to come by. it's hard when you have the choice between making a statement by quitting your job and...well, starving.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

I agree. Just let this go. You can hardly dictate where other people go to eat.

My daughter is a vegan and always glares at me when I cook meat, but does that stop me from doing it? Nope. She has to sit down on the table with a heaping plate of smoked turkey and deal with it.

Not the same thing, obviously, but I'm just saying that your mother is probably not going to change her mind about this.


I'm a huge supporter of LGBTQ rights myself but I still shop at wal-mart. I'm hardly about to drive miles into town to get what I need walmart is right there.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

If you're in a position to cut off contact with her, then send her an ultimatum that she needs to learn to respect your sexuality or else you'll have nothing to do with her. Her not actually being a bad person doesn't give her a free pass to be an ass to you about your sexuality.

If you're not, then I think the most you can really do is try to educate her, little by little, as to why her attitude is hurtful, but only if you're really willing to deal with that headache. She sounds rather apathetic towards the whole issue in general, and in denial about your sexuality. It's likely that she hopes that if she doesn't "praise" you for your interest in girls, that you will "give up" and just get a boyfriend and get married and settle down and give her grandkids.

The only other thing I can think is to just drop the subject altogether and refuse to talk about it with her. She doesn't actually have any right to know what's going on in your mind.

Whatever you do, good luck! It's still shitty to have to deal with people who just don't get it :/

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

If you're in a position to cut off contact with her, then send her an ultimatum that she needs to learn to respect your sexuality or else you'll have nothing to do with her. Her not actually being a bad person doesn't give her a free pass to be an ass to you about your sexuality.

I could, I guess (I don't live with her) but I really don't want to. Aside from this issue, she's always been this awesome mom who was always there for me and supporting me. I think that's what makes this so hard and so frustrating.

If you're not, then I think the most you can really do is try to educate her, little by little, as to why her attitude is hurtful, but only if you're really willing to deal with that headache. She sounds rather apathetic towards the whole issue in general, and in denial about your sexuality. It's likely that she hopes that if she doesn't "praise" you for your interest in girls, that you will "give up" and just get a boyfriend and get married and settle down and give her grandkids.

I think that's what I'm going to try to do. She's already a lot better now than she was a couple years ago so hopefully with time she'll get better. She's already been told in no uncertain terms that even if I ultimately end up with a guy, settling down and giving her grandkids is something that will not happen EVER so hopefully she doesn't still think that.

Anyway, thanks!

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[elaminator]

Other than sitting down and having a chat with her about why you find her remarks and attitude towards you offensive, I'm not sure what you can do in this situation. If she truly believes the shit she's saying she might be impossible to reach.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean you should give up. You can try to change her mind about the issue a little at a time and maybe you'll eventually get somewhere. It's worked for me before. Plus it might make you feel better to get that stuff out (which is also a positive).

Maybe if/when you bring a girl home your sexuality will finally become 'real' to her and she'll understand. Maybe she'll eventually 'get it' girlfriend or not and just needs time. There's no way to tell.

Until then I say do what you feel is best for you. If you don't feel like putting up with her, don't. If you feel like hanging out with her, do. You aren't obligated to be around your mother (especially if she makes you feel bad), so just remember that.

:(

Hope things work out OP.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

I'm sorry your mom is reacting this way. :( I wish I had some words of advice. I'm in my thirties with two kids of my own and can't manage to have a conversation with my mom about religion or politics that doesn't devolve into ridiculousness. *sigh*

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

This might make me sound like a dick, but...is it possible that some of it could be frustration at you repeating that your bi fairly often? I'm assuming it's in response to something she's said, but I could get how that would get grating after a while and even possibly come off as 'needing' to keep saying it for whatever reason.

That said, even if that was the case, what you're mom did isn't cool at all. There's nothing wrong with you, and your mother is handling this is a very immature way. If you can, get away from her and limit your contact at least for a while.

Also...She may not be a bad person, and she may even mean well. Thing is that good people can, and as often as not, do bad things without meaning to. The expression 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' came about for a reason.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think you need to do anything about your mom. I think perhaps you should do something about your viewpoint.

First of all, if you are bi, then yay, you have terrific prospects for finding someone to share your life with. I would think that their gender would be less of an issue than whether or not they were a good match for you. I think any parent worth the title is far more concerned that their offspring find someone who is good to them and loves them as the parent thinks their kid should be loved. A person's outsides are just window dressing, their real worth isn't measured by their physical form.

Secondly, according to the guy who teaches our college's psychology/crisis intervention class, the definition of domestic violence is when one person tries to make another person "think/do/act/say/believe" as the first person wishes them to. Trying to force your mom to avoid places you don't approve of or tell you that you are right when it seems that she doesn't agree with you isn't the way to do things, is it? If you have the right to your beliefs, right or wrong, then so too does your mom, even if you don't agree or even like them.

Eh, tl:dr. Love someone for themself. Live and let live. Opinions are like... well, most people know the rest of that one.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[chardmonster]

With all due respect: if your standard of homophobia is "My mother eats certain chicken sandwiches and then does not happily comply with my demands after I scream at her for eating said chicken sandwiches, accusing her of homophobia because of her choice of chicken sandwich" you are in really good shape compared to other kids with very serious problems.

She's actively telling you she won't really freak out if you bring a girl home. What she has is a denial of bisexuality, which is a bit different and which I myself have dealt with.

If you're going to cut your mother out of your life because she doesn't believe you really like girls (but will accept you bringing a girl home as proof) then... you're being a bit premature.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[deenaa]

You said you don't want to completely cut her off, and that's understandable. However, maybe it would be beneficial for you to start just not engaging her when she says nasty things about your sexuality or things that upset you.

There's this big misconception people have where parents have the right to be as nasty and awful as they want and you have to sit and put up with it because you're their child. I've dealt with this personally (my father is an abusive jackass), and let me tell you there is nothing more liberating than rejecting that and taking control of how a person influences your life.

As an example, you could implement a warning system in your head. As an example, your mum says something hurtful, you reply with 'That's not true and really hurts my feelings. Please don't say things like that around me. ' She's now been warned. If she stops, great! If not, then suddenly you have to end the phone call/visit. Then, for at least the rest of the day (or longer! You can set any time limit you want), you don't respond to her. If she chucks a tantrum about it when you see her next, you're gone again. Rinse and repeat until she catches on.

The idea is to teach her to stop saying hurtful things if she wants you in her life, and it means that you don't have to stay around around her and get into an argument that makes everyone upset and you hurt a lot.

The other thing to do is stop trying to educate her UNLESS she comes to you first. Not only is she probably not listening, but this kinda thing is exhausting and emotional for you and only giving her more 'justification' to be rude.

This might seem mean or extreme, but lets keep in mind she makes you feel so bad about yourself that you're considering not dating women just because she might whinge about it. That's pretty awful, and needs to stop. You can't change how she acts or feels, but it is perfectly within your means to change how she acts around you.

Finally, a couple of things - if you change your mind and do decide 'fuck her', then that's okay. You don't own her your attention just because she means well, especially if she's hurting you.

The other thing is please considering building up some other people outside of your family for support. A therapist is not a bad option if her behaviour is affecting you adversely, but at the very least, some friends who can offer you undivided support and love when you need it.

I hope this helps, sorry if I've overstepped my bounds (I talk a lot >_>), and I hope everything goes well for you in the future!

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[insanenoodlyguy]

First step is to remind yourself that your dating habits really should have no direct influence by your mother either way. Because that? Will fucking ruin that relationship for you 9 times out of 10, whomever that poor boy or girl is, cause you'll be wrapped up in your own perceptions of them.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

I honestly think you're kind of exaggerating. You've stated you're bisexual, she said whatever. You haven't brought a girl home yet. Why do you even need to keep having this conversation? If she claims she'll be okay when it happens, why not just leave it alone until it does, and then see?
If your bisexuality isn't even currently being expressed in a concrete way for her to respond to, seriously, what do you even want her to do with it? So you're bisexual. Big fucking whoop.
It sounds to me a bit like you are constantly pushing for drama. Why MAKE it into a big problem? I would just back down, let things lie, and work on having a good relationship with your mother. And wait and see when the day comes what happens.

Re: Homophobic mom? Not sure what to do/need to rant

[(Anonymous)]

My mom wants to eat delicious chicken. I yell at her about it.

WAI iz sheh upshet?!?!

Maybe if you let your mom eat wherever she likes without comment, she'd be more likely to notice your interests without comment.

tl;dr - Don't make a big deal out of her shit, and maybe she won't make a big deal out of your shit.