[ SECRET POST #2930 ]

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⌈ Secret Post #2930 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 076 secrets from Secret Submission Post #419.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

Hi, it's anon-who-told-a-pushy-friend-no to being housemates for a third time.

I'm due to move into new place in a couple of weeks. My current housemates are still hunting and I hope they find a place. They're married and now expecting a baby! It's early stages yet so they've not told many people.

Pushy friend, PF for short, called me up yesterday to tell me she's going to break up with her boyfriend. Because he's depressed over family stuff and won't see a counsellor. While she's also depressed and won't see a counsellor. I'm sure there's more to it.

She hasn't directly been asking me about my place but she asked about my current dudes moving and after permission I told her they can't take her in because expecting baby.
She's making snide comments about us not keeping promises (because 3 years ago we told her if her new bf of 2 months she's moving in with failed, she could move back in. But that was 3 years ago! They're expecting a bb and I have a tentative girlfriend (reminder: PF would get jealous of my friends and girlfriends ergo not wanting her in living in my house among other reasons))

I think she's realised she can't go on major rants about how shitty I am anymore because I will stop talking to her.

The thing units I do want to help and if she WAS homeless is put her up but I'm worried she'd never LEAVE. She keeps mentioning how helpful it's be to have her, I am tight financially and could really use some white goods, but I think it will cost me my sanity.

Because she's not even TRYING to find a new share house, she's jumping straight to complaining about safety nets and getting rid of cat. She just told me how she went around smashing all pictures of her and boyfriend - they're not broken up yet but I don't want that in my house. I can't deal with that. I've for my own problems I don't mention cause she'll use it against me.

I eventually directed her to online housemate hunting with a reminder of how easily I've found people to live with (with my pets in tow!). Hopefully she's looking cause she's not even trying.

I wish I could break this friendship off. But I think im her only friend? Everytime I try to pint out bad behaviour she turns it into me hurting her.she mentioned returning to her parents (another state) after her (becoming a doctor) ends and I'm hoping so much.

Asking anon cause my user handles are all linked together and I don't want her to find me.

Advice? Personal experiences?

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry I should have done the 2nd comment thing. I didn't realise I write so much.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

Drop her like it's hot. You're obviously not enjoying this friendship. I know it sucks that she doesn't have a support system, but life's too short to deal with consistently shitty friends. Plus it sounds like she's not going to improve herself. Don't do this to yourself.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

yeah this

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

OP

It's surprisingly hard? I've been trying to distance myself like someone down thread said and she complains about that. We went to same school and have many mutual friends but they're mostly casual now.

We are going to the same wedding next year. Being in the same city is making it hard to get distant although we are on opposite sides so takes an hour + between our two places. She never wants to meet on neutral ground. Always her place and...I haven't commented but it is a dump.

And I think she's very clearly depressed and needs help but she doesn't think so.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[herpymcderp]

There comes a time when it's just too much effort to be involved in the personal affairs of a toxic friend. That time is probably now.

They might be angry with you for a while, but it's past time to tell her directly that she can't move in with you and she needs to sort out her situation for herself.

I have stopped living with friends before for bad behaviour (always complaining, never doing chores, making the house a generally less pleasant place to live). It was totally worth it. My own mental and emotional state were even worse than I had realized from having to deal with their shitty outlook on life day in and day out.

By all means, be there as someone for her to talk to, but it's past time to make it clear that that's the only role you can play in her life.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

I did give her a firm no on it, so she's not directly asking anymore but she makes constant comments about ppl lying and no safety nets and no friends. I've been trying to get her more friends and I remember how horrible it was when I was depressed ...but nothing changed until I started trying to fix it and fight through the apathy and she's not at that stage yet?

I'm kind of irritated with her bf leaving her. Except she's the one breaking it off and I can understand why he's been distant with her. I think she's angry with both of us because our jobs are similar with deployment type things so we are never around. But she dropped off the social grid for a couple of years with her job so I resent when she gets pissy over us disappearing for a couple of weeks.

I think I need to do that. Roles as a listener only, but not financial support or guaranteed home. :(

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[othellia]

I wish I could break this friendship off. But I think im her only friend? Everytime I try to pint out bad behaviour she turns it into me hurting her.

Hmmm... I wonder why she doesn't have any other friends.

Honestly, she's the one who needs you right now, so there is no need for you to put up with her shit. She might make it easier financially, but like you said yourself it will just cause you emotional stress and it's not worth it.

I'd personally just grow slightly more and more distant until we didn't really talk anymore, but if you don't want to break it completely off, I'd say keep doing what you're doing. Stick to your guns. Don't get an apartment with her. Keep a healthy distance. (You mentioned she realized you'll stop talking to her if she talks smack about you, so it seems she's capable of taking a hint.)

If that removed friendship is enough for her then congrats. She'll take what she can get. If not, she might throw a temper tantrum and stop contact, but then it'd be on her and you'd be free.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

That is a good idea. I just get so stressed whenever housing comes up because she makes those subtle comments and unless they are outright I'm not good at talking back.

I'm sticking to my guns on the house like woah. It's ...I've bought this house. The dynamic will be so different to rentals and I tried to explain that to her. It won't work.
(And:..I don't trust her. I don't trust her to take advantage of me the place and after her text rants and photo breaking spree - my stuff. She only does the really shitty rants via text but still don't want to live with that)

And this feels all so shitty cause she's clearly depressed and possibly homeless but she has a few months to find a placeso not much rush? She's not even trying. Goes straight to talking about ditching her cat for a place. That could be a depression straight to worse scenarios but can't live with that.

Sorry. This is do upsetting, I've found break ups easier than this.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

Er... this doesn't sound like a friendship so much as it sounds like a hostage situation. Don't stay in any relationship just because you're worried the person doesn't have anyone else. THEY are the reason why they don't have anyone else, it's because all their other friends got sick of it and left before you had a chance to leave.

Shut down any hints or attempts at guilt-tripping you about "promises". Tell her circumstances have changed and the more she talks about it, the more you see that it's for the better that you not live together. If she complains about not having a place to live, ask her what she plans to do about it. MAKE NO OFFERS. Remember that as annoying and horrible as she is now, letting her live with you would only be bringing the problem home and magnifying it.

It sounds to me like all her behavior is a confirmation that you made the right decision in not letting her move back in. Don't put up with her treating you like crap, you deserve better.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

The fact that "she doesn't have anyone else" is neither your fault nor your responsibility. Don't let her put that on you.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

Your last paragraph is ringing so true. I think she's really spiralling out if control and it's bad to watch but I've finally got My life in control and I don't want to lose it.

There is some angry spite at how unhelpful and harmful our friendship was when I was at rock bottom and I don't want to be there again, I've worked so hard at 'beating' depression and getting this job and making friends and hobbies. And I don't want the lurking depression to come back. She makes me so anxious I can't think and I'm not good at responding straight awY or saying no :(

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[iceyred]

For the love of all that's holy get away from this chick. You don't need this level of cray-cray in your life.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

I'm trying :( I like her best as a casual friend.

We have do many mutual friends and her folks know my folks - we both come from the same small area so along with feeling bad for her, I don't like how'd it look if she went back and complained about me. But I don't think I'm doing anything wrong? Although I know sine ppl would say not letting her move in is unkind.

Sigh.

I really need to distance but at same time she needs someone to talk to? Gonna have to suggest counselling. Again.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[dreemyweird]

I don't think you will do her any good if you keep being "friends" with her. Friendships that have no true feeling in them (or, worse, only have negative feelings) are very rarely beneficial to either party. It may seem like you're supporting her, but I don't think that ultimately you can be a good influence on her if there's little to none affection - because this means little to none true commitment.

She is being a major dick to you, too, so I think there are hardly any good arguments against dumping her altogether.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

I guess things do change for better or worse :(

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

You know what? If you treat people like shit they're not going to want to be your friend. She has to learn that.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

I think her lack of other friends are because we both moved to this city. But it's been 4 years and she hasn't made any more than casual friends? She doesn't want to go to their parties or hang out and it's always me or her bf.

I guess I don't want to accidentally set anything off? There's been mentions of mixing pills and drinks but idk how serious she means. But I can't help there, I can't be that kinda support :(

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

after her (becoming a doctor) ends

Whoa, hold up, she wants to be a doctor. My God.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[diet_poison]

Whatever you do, do not move in with her. Nopity nope nope.

There's not a lot you can do to help her and I totally understand that frustration. But you can't emburden yourself with the responsibility of helping her get her shit together if she doesn't want to do it. She has to want to change or it will never happen, and if she can find an easier way to bandage her situation in the short-term (i.e. live with you again) she will.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

The part about her turning everything around on you sounds exactly like an ex of mine. Turns out, that's a really common abuse tactic! They do shit to hurt you and then when you call them on it they're the victim. Actually, not only that but I was also her "only friend" and she was horribly depressed and I was afraid that if I left she'd crumble. Which meant I was easier for her to manipulate.

Everything you've posted about this chick is toxic as fuck. You are not morally obligated to help her in any way. She's not helpless. Depression doesn't give you free reign to be an asshole or to take advantage of people's kindness.

Seriously, just cut her out of your life. Between your last post and this one she sounds like the kind of person who will always cause problems for you.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[dethtoll]

People like this will never change. There's no fixing them, there's no reasoning with them. If you're her only friend, you may be the only thing standing between her and rock bottom -- and some people need to hit rock bottom before they can grow as people. If there's a shred of decency in her that will happen. If not, well, she's no longer your problem. She's toxic and you need to drop her like a jizzy potato.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[(Anonymous)]

...why are you still talking to someone who goes on major rants about how shitty you are (when they don't want anything from you, because it sounds like that's the only reason they're not doing it now)? Or someone who'll use your own problems against you?

I don't even know why you have this person in your life, let alone your home.

Re: Anon saying no to pushy friend

[lb_lee]

Okay, you know what Anon, I have been that friend who's been homeless.

And you know what, I had friends flat out tell me they could not take me in. AND THAT'S OKAY. Even though I was severely mentally ill and frustrated and would've eaten kitten meat if it got me stable housing, I was able to understand that sometimes, people just couldn't keep me. Sometimes, shit is shitty, and it's not anyone's fault, it just IS.

Keep trying to pull back, even if it's difficult. And if you only have mutual friends, for the love of god, try and find new ones. I've been stuck in those shitty situations where everyone knows everyone, and it's the reason I now have a policy of having at least TWO groups of friends who know nothing about each other.

And don't let her pressure or guilt-trip you. You are under no obligation to live with anyone. You do not need to give a reason, you do not need to apologize. That's not a lack of a safety net, that's LIFE.

Get the hell out while you can, yo.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks everyone - you're all right of course. It's so incredibly difficult. I've never had to cut off a friendship before.

I think I will wait for her to initiate the contact and if it's anyway the usual convos go I'll tell her then - so I can point out why I feel this :(

Thanks everyone.

I definitely won't let her move in*

I might say yes if she ditches the cat on me cause otherwise it'd go to a rescue? Idk.