fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6997 ]

As an adult, I mean. I was having a vent session with a few friends (all of them from different areas in the U.S. and not necessarily similar backgrounds) and the best anyone could say was that things were just "okay". A lot of the conflict came from rough childhoods (and the parents' refusal to acknowledge or apologize for things), dislike of a partner/spouse, and disagreements over career or parenting. This seems pretty common, but I don't know. Are there people out there who get along great with their parents? Like, if you weren't related, you'd still be friends?

Eh. There was a lot of conflict during my childhood. Not violent, but I didn't fit the mold my parents wanted and they kept trying to shape me long after I was too old for it. Things didn't improve until I left home AND they couldn't exert financial control over me. That's a little messed up, to be sure. From a young age up until I left, I was threatened with grounding, library privileges taken away, my personal book collection taken away (it would've been internet, but I'm too old for that!) and a general reading ban, bedroom door removal (because I wanted basic privacy and for people to knock before entering), being kicked out of the house, not helping to pay for school, forcing me to come home and attend community college (which they saw as inferior) instead of state college because I was struggling in ONE CLASS, and general ostracization from the family. All for my own good, of course.

Losing their ability to punish me with those things kind of forced them to behave more reasonably, which is sad. They also turned their focus on my younger siblings in an attempt to crack down on this disturbing trend of rebellion, i.e. their kids growing up to be their own person. We've never discussed my childhood and their failed attempts to "fix" me because there'd be no point. They'd never admit they were wrong. The failure, in their eyes, was not trying to control a 16 year old girl's hair, but in giving up and letting me have below shoulder-length hair instead of cut just below my ears. We're not fully estranged, but I keep them at an arm's length because of this, and I know that I'd never be able to rely on them for help without serious strings attached.

Yes. It was complicated at points, particularly with my dad. But he passed a couple years ago. And mom and I are super close, live together, look after each other. Actually came out to her as bisexual, she seems fine with it.

I have a pretty good relationship with my mom. We go on vacation together and visit each other every few years (we live about 2k miles away from each other). I don't know if we would be friends without being related because we're very different from each other, but she raised me with the underlying premise that she wanted a kid and I was never consulted, so nothing I do could disappoint her. I remember asking once, what she would do if I killed someone, and she said she would visit me regularly in prison. XD

My dad, on the other hand...well, I had a party when he died. Massive asshole who considered me to be his property until he legally had no claim to me. He mostly considered me a tool to harass my mom. When I was small he would drag my mom into court for partial custody, weekends, vacations, and then would leave me to my own devices and go off with his girlfriends. I got a restraining order out on him in middle school and never saw him again, though he kept trying through the courts.

That's a lovely relationship with your mom, I'm envious! While I've traveled with my parents both as a child and as an adult, I wouldn't do so again unless it was really short. They don't like doing research or planning, and if you do it, they'll complain about everything.

Condolences re: your dad. He's not the first man to use child custody disputes as a weapon, and I'm afraid he won't be the last.

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-03 23:55 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 03:21 (UTC) - Expand

Yes, I have a good relationship. I enjoy their company and genuinely enjoy holidays when we all gather together. I talk to my parents on average at least once a week on the phine and we have a family text chat that is pretty active (I have 4 siblings).

Nope. One parent deceased, and the other, no contact for over a decade. I wish it were just a matter of "man, they're being so difficult about xyz" because we might get along okay now. But lifelong abuse of multiple kinds, mixed with neglect and active sabotage of my relationships and ambitions, just really make me not want to be on the same planet as this person. If I think about it too much, I get grossed out. I'm still playing catchup with things I missed out on during crucial developmental years, and have to accept that as an adult there are likely milestones I will never reach.

I'd say my relationship with my parents is good, but I wouldn't be friends with them if we weren't related, nor they me. But that's mostly because all our interests are too divergent and we don't have much in common, not because we'd dislike each other or don't get along.

I don't think my parents would choose to be friends with each other either if they randomly met as strangers now. They had things in common in their 20s-30s when they got married but it's been decades since then and people don't always keep the same interests. That doesn't mean the relationship falls apart, though. It just means you do more things individually and pursue your own hobbies with the family as a home base to return to.

These days, yes. We did not have a good relationship from the time I was eleven to the time I was about thirty, mostly because my mother was incredibly focused on my weight (I was taller and heavier than her at eleven, she even got angry that my shoe size was bigger than hers). I wasn't even fat until her constant bullying and forced dieting led me right into a binge eating disorder. Then I got cancer and the most important thing was still my weight. My dad never personally addressed my weight in any way but also backed her up completely.

Once I was past the cancer, I realized that if I wanted any relationship with her, I had to train her out of talking about weight. So I did, by redirecting when she started, and then leaving or hanging up the phone if she continued. And it eventually worked. So now we can focus on the other parts of our relationship and it's vastly better.

So sorry that happened to you and hope you are doing well after your cancer. My mother was obsessive about my weight too, it really damaged my self esteem and was a factor in me developing an ED that took a lot of work to heal from. I think she was a very insecure person projecting her body issues on to me. Glad your redirecting tactic worked to put a stop to it in your case.

A lot of mothers have that internalized misogyny programmed into them, sadly. My mother also harped on my weight from the time I was a pre-teen up until I moved out. I, too, was taller and more heavily built than her. My bra size was larger than hers from age 13 onwards, and she just couldn't believe that was right. She didn't want me wearing bright colors because that brought too much attention to the fact that I was chubbier than she'd like. But I couldn't wear black because that was too depressing. No baggy clothing because that made me look fatter, but if the clothing was too tight then it revealed that I didn't have a defined waistline. If she had it her way, I would've worn pastels and vertical stripes (to help me look thinner!) all my life. I was on a diet from age 10 onwards. Only me, everyone else in the house was allowed the regular version of foods, I got diet this and fat free that, or nothing if she deemed it too fattening. My dad (who ate junk food never saw a vegetable he liked) didn't speak up about this at all.

I didn't develop an eating disorder, surprisingly enough. But not for lack of pressure on my mother's part. She was only trying to help me, because it's not healthy to be fat, and of course, girls should be slender. She thought I should've been grateful for her help.

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 04:56 (UTC) - Expand

I'm not "friends" with my parents but that doesn't mean it's not a good relationship. My mom visits a couple times a year and we keep in touch, my dad has sort of checked out of paying attention to anyone but we don't hate each other. What most people generally don't talk about is that huge gray area between "omg we hang out all the time and are sooooo involved" and "I cut off contact years ago and that's all I'm saying." I'm not married, no kids, and over 50, so my 75+ yo parents still being on friendly terms is what I would consider pretty normal.

I’ve never felt so much freedom as the day my mother died. My father is ok but we’ll never be close. And if he knew more about me, he’d disown me like he did his son.

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 00:30 (UTC) - Expand

good but it could be better

Not me, we haven't seen each other in many years, which is definitely for the best. I tried again and again to mend the relationship in the years before I left, it was a terribly sad decision to make but I do feel I tried everything I could first. Wish things could have been different but estrangement has brought me a lot of joy and freedom that I never knew.

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 03:28 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 07:04 (UTC) - Expand

I had a tumutulous relationship with my mum when I was a child and teenager but we're closer now than we were then, especially since dad passed away last year. I got along swimmingly with dad but mum and I just clashed when I was younger.

Probably because we're both Scorpios.

Yeah it's good. Not when me and my sister were kids, but they stepped up to support me and her when we couldn't support ourselves anymore. We all have issues, we clash, but it works.

For the most part .. there are things my dad says or does that occasionally frustrate me but ..overall its pretty good.

When i was living with them as a young adult in my late teens and early twenties it was probably the worst but it looking back I was just as much a nightmare with them as i felt they were to me and a big part of it was because I was coming off a time in my life that was genuinely emotionally traumatic. The first two years after my graduation I remember days I spent sleeping 14 hours a day and wandering the neighborhood feeling almost in a detached daze and occasionally having dark thoughts watching the cars pass.

Then soon after that we MOVED which in the past has not been great for my stress levels. we lived in this TINY ass town and for a while I had a hard time finding a job and my folks thought the best thing to do was to pull an intervention with my electronics like I was addicted and I was honestly like.'I'm a young adult living with my folks in a small town and I cannot drive..and y'all are treating me like an addict for being on my computer online all the time?? seriously?"

we moved a lot since i was young because of where my dad's job took him. and i often had my stress levels spike - which in turn made my OCD symptoms really bad for a time.

but things are better now for the most part. Though since a bad HR manager forced me out of my job last May... well looking for a job has been rough and I have dealt with OCD anxiety centering around my whole family just deciding I'm too much trouble to deal with (obviously this isn't something they've made me feel like but OCD esp when severe is a bitch about things that it knows are your worst fear.. so augh)

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 05:28 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

dani_phantasma - 2026-03-04 07:55 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 19:15 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

dani_phantasma - 2026-03-05 00:52 (UTC) - Expand

My mom, no. We're not estranged, and I try not to focus on her failures as a parent because it won't do anyone any good now, but it's not a good relationship. A lifetime of bad habits and bad choices has left her sick, frail, poor, married to an emotionally abusive man she can't afford to leave - and I'm on government disability and can barely keep myself afloat, so the help I can provide for her is limited. She doesn't blame me for the way her life turned out (which is good because I'd tell her to go to hell if she did), but she wants someone to come and save her, and nobody is going to, and it makes me sick to think about her dying gradually, five hundred miles away, with nothing to look forward to and nobody there who truly cares for her.

My father and I are familial life partners. We've always been each other's closest companion and dearest friend. We're both ace and neurodivergent, so it works for us. But I think about his death like a place where all the light in the universe stops. More accurately, I try not to think about it. Is it a "good" relationship? I don't know. Depends on your definition, I guess.

I did. I loved hanging out with my parents, going to visit them and staying over the weekend (before and after I had my kid), just sitting and talking, going to the store, whatever. I liked doing that even as a kid. I thought my dad was amazing, he was so smart and could fix things, knew things, and my mom was so creative and talented and smart, too, and we liked the same books and my dad would swim with us or play games....
Yeah, I loved my parents to bits, and I miss them every single day, and I know my sis and brothers feel the same. I guess I got lucky, but I would trade them for the world.

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 03:30 (UTC) - Expand

It's complicated, of course. My dad gets me. My relationship with my mother is superficially friendly. But overall, they have been very good to me, and they've been married 55 years in March, and they're both barely hanging on for each other's sake, and it's painfully upsetting to watch their decline.

Sometimes I feel like my dad is determined to outlive my mother so I don't have to deal with her on my own. It feels like his last favor to me. (She has late stage Alzheimer's. He's in late stage starvation.) Once she's gone, I give him a month, tops. Their identity is so intertwined after a half century plus that I don't see how it will be possible for either to go on long without the other, although my mother has a more positive overall disposition that could lead to years of long-term care if he goes first.

I live with my parents and get on with them well now as an adult.
I'm pretty close with my Dad and he is the main reason I put up with a lot of things my Mum put me through growing up. There was a time in my early 20s where I would have definitely have cut her out of my life if it wasn't for the fact that it would have left my Dad being the main carer for my brother and her.
Thankfully things have mellowed out and I get on better with my Mum. I'm not necessarily close with her but I do take on a lot of responsibilities looking after her now, especially as her health has began to deteriorate in recent years and my Dad is starting to get health problems of his own.

I love my parents. I had a wonderful childhood. But they've voted for Trump since 2016 and I've stopped caring if it's stupidity or cruelty. Every visit I have to keep track of my keys/glasses/water bottle in case I need to walk out. I try to have hope, but I don't like them very much right now.

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 17:02 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 19:17 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 20:19 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 21:49 (UTC) - Expand

I made a really long response and had to delete XD

I'm 40, and I'd say the last decade has been relatively decent. We don't argue, but we're not close. I've more or less made peace with understanding that my relationship with my parents will be relatively cordial but not close. I think they want a closer loving relationship (one I wanted most of my life), but I understand everything I do will be in service to them. Whether or not I will feel seen and loved unconditionally is not guaranteed and I don't want to subject myself to feeling used and unseen for trying to foster a family I've always wanted again.
A lifetime of chasing that and doing things for people in hopes of finally getting validation has taught me to be cautious. Especially my parents.

They don't see a human being. They see opportunities that they can benefit from.
And I know they love me, but it's a limited sort of love.

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 19:19 (UTC) - Expand

I actually liked my mom as a person, and I could see why other people would like my dad and I didn't hate him exactly, but they were both addicts, my dad was a controlling, literally crazy (schizophrenic) asshole to my mom and me, and my mom was also super traumatized to the point that when I was eleven or so I went "damn it's like you want to make yourself miserable" during an argument about why the fuck she wanted to move back in with my dad, and she started crying.

But they weren't as bad as the conservative Christian nutjob or WASP perfectionist parents I saw fucking up friends and classmates, so it could've been worse.

They both believed that helping others actually mattered, so my mom calling other parents and telling them "hey your kid's staying with us until you kick out the asshole abusing her, don't worry, she's safe and fed," and going to feed the birds so we could cut fishing line off their feet, or my dad taking me with him to hand out food with Food Not Bombs and to environmental protests, meant I saw their good sides too. But they were too fucked up to be great parents and made each other and hence me miserable a lot.

And their addictions/illnesses and deaths were absolutely horrible and traumatizing.

Re: Personal question: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

(Anonymous) - 2026-03-04 19:21 (UTC) - Expand