[ SECRET POST #1558 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #1558 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 12 pages, 291 secrets from Secret Submission Post #223.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 3 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ], [ 1 - take it to comments ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom.livejournal.com]

19. http://i56.tinypic.com/29cp7jt.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

Mention you problems anyway. I can check off your checklist and this can intimidate people though I wish it wouldn't, but I'm not miserable and I love to talk through what's bothering my friends - even if it is "nothing". I'm sure many others would, as well.

[lit-wolf.livejournal.com]

I couldn't read this secret. The puppy was judging me too hard! :P

[(Anonymous)]

OH NO I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS BAWWWW

I DON"T FIT IN BAWWWWWWWWWWWW

gfy, tfyt.

[maskitheclown.livejournal.com]

Sorry but, unless someone is telling you your problems aren't worth mentioning (in which case they are wrong) it's really your issue, not theirs.
Of course you're not going to be "I'mma let you finish your child abuse story but I stubbed my toe today" but in regular conversations it's not a competition.

[santagrover.livejournal.com]

LJ can be characterized as a venting ground. Some people post dramatic personal stuff, some people don't. You were the one who signed up to read their journals and if you can't handle that, then it's your problem.

[hikari87.livejournal.com]

Don't feel guilty that you don't have problems. It's natural to be concerned about people and worry about your friends, but it doesn't mean that you should apologize or feel bad that you don't have the same kind of troubles. I don't feel upset or offended when my friends, fandom or otherwise, don't have the same problems that I do. I'm glad they don't have to deal with the things I do. Frankly, if your friends are doing anything to MAKE you feel guilty about it, they're being kind of jerky. If they're not, and you just feel bad because you've got it better than they do, then recognize that beating yourself up isn't going to make things better for them OR you. It's okay to be okay =)

[(Anonymous)]

I have paranoid personality disorder. It really sucks- trust me, you don't want one (a personality disorder, that is).

Personally, I don't care if you can relate to my issues- if you're fun to talk to, then odds are I'll like you. But seriously, don't feel bad because you don't have a mental illness- be glad you can do everyday things without worrying if you're being watched, or scammed, or taken advantage of. It's really not fun thinking everyone's out to get you.

[shukivengeance.livejournal.com]

Your 'friends' are whiny attentionwhores who need a constant pity party. Find a new circle of people to associate with, they're clearly too high maintenance for you.

[(Anonymous)]

That's why I only lurk.

I have problems and some are more serious than many of the commons problems people in fandom have but:
1) I'm healthy (physical and mentally).
2) I don't have any trauma.
3) I don't like to spend all my time complaining when I know I'm lucky in some ways (*points to point 1 and 2*)

Most people here don't seem that even though they have troubles they are lucky in some ways too (have supporting friends and family, can support themselves economically and many others things I don't have) and that annoys me and makes me think I wouldn't be welcome.

So hey many people in fandom, keep talking about your issues and ignore what you do have and I'll keep lurking to enjoy fanworks as a way of temporal escapism from my problems.

[(Anonymous)]

You're not the only one who feels this way, OP.

It seems like the vast majority of people on my f-list have some sort of unhealthy relationship with food (eating too much, eating too little, ect), in the middle of either a manic or depressive episode, am transitioning genders or deciding they don't have one at all...

It gets me down a lot because I can't ever say: someone cut me off in traffic and it really upset me. When one of my friends just got out of a stint in a mental hospital, or when three of my friends threatened to commit suicide around last Christmas. ('tis the season?)

So. Yeah.

I'm overwhelmed reading my friends list nowadays. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone, but I'm not sure how much I can take. I'm not a care-giver personality and it's constant, constant, constant bombardment of witnessing all of these major issues... I don't know how much more I can take of this.

I'm on the verge of walking away. And I know this makes me a not very likable person. It's why I'm anon.

[(Anonymous)]

You're not the only one who feels this way, OP.

It seems like the vast majority of people on my f-list have some sort of unhealthy relationship with food (eating too much, eating too little, ect), in the middle of either a manic or depressive episode, am transitioning genders or deciding they don't have one at all...

It gets me down a lot because I can't ever say: someone cut me off in traffic and it really upset me. When one of my friends just got out of a stint in a mental hospital, or when three of my friends threatened to commit suicide around last Christmas. ('tis the season?)

So. Yeah.

I'm overwhelmed reading my friends list nowadays. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone, but I'm not sure how much I can take. I'm not a care-giver personality and it's constant, constant, constant bombardment of witnessing all of these major issues... I don't know how much more I can take of this.

I'm on the verge of walking away. And I know this makes me a not very likable person. It's why I'm anon.

[judo-creature.livejournal.com]

Okay, here's the thing. We all have problems. Some problems are bad, some problems are worse.

When I was going through my mum breaking both her legs, my cat dying, and the collapsing mental breakdown I had as a result of my previous abusive relationship, I did not judge my friends for being upset over school stress.

When I was depressed despite not having really anything going wrong in my life, my friend who was desperately trying to cope with a crushingly busy school life, four jobs, and abusive, controlling family did not judge me.

My friends who suffered serial rape do not look down on me for developing the same [or worse] issues as they had, when my sexual assault was "less severe" than theirs.

It doesn't matter if your issues are not of the same level. I've bitched about being too lazy to do homework while someone on my Flist was venting their sadness about losing a family member. Your feelings are not less valid than your friends' just because on some subjective scale your problems are not as horrible. I could go into a long, rambling psychological explanation, but this comment is long enough already, so I'll just say this: If someone judges you for being upset over something they don't perceive as a problem, they are a dick. That is their issue, and it is none of your fault. Try not to let the fact that you wouldn't win the Shitty Life Olympics interfere with your ability to talk about dumb television shows, okay?

[(Anonymous)]

from the sound of it, i don't think you're saying you wish you HAD those problems, but rather that your fandom friends make you feel a bit alienated (which isn't really the right word but it's all i can think of right now) or like you don't have any right to talk about YOUR problems because they're not as bad?

because i can kind of understand that. i had a friend who basically had long conversations with me about her awful problems daily/near-daily, and i had to talk her out of suicide dozens of times. i emotionally exhausted myself trying to support her, and though i have my problems like everyone else they weren't nearly on the same scale as her's, and it's so hard to help somebody when you have no idea what it's like for them (and they refuse to get therapy). i did try to talk to her about my problems, but she often either directed it to her's or just straight sat there trying to one-up me. she was my closest friend at the time, online and off, and i still felt like i couldn't really let anything out to her, because my problems weren't "bad enough" to let her know.

i don't know if that's the kind of thing you meant or not, though.

also lj is a dick i hope this doesn't post a million times

[(Anonymous)]

OP, I totally understand where you're coming from. I feel this way a lot too.

Best thing you can do is just be as honest as you can. If you had a shitty day, say so. People who are so emotionally unhealthy that they can no longer empathize with anyone else are probably not people you can have a friendship with. You can love them, you can care about them and support them, but you can't have a friendship in which you offer emotional support to someone who consumes it and gives nothing back. How "big" somebody's problems are shouldn't make it impossible to acknowledge any problem smaller than that. Did you ever see a crying child with a broken toy and say "fuck you, I had a car accident once"? No, (I hope) because you can still appreciate what it's like to have a stupid tiny little problem that hurts anyway. There you go.

So just do your best and if someone gets mad at you for feeling bad over a flunked exam while they're struggling with whatever, guess what? That's not someone you can really help by draining yourself dry emotionally. Wish them well and be kind, but seek actual friendship in people who are prepared to support you back.

And by the way, if you find out that those people with their big problems are still ready to love and support you with your little stupid ones, those are the people worth getting a little drained for.

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly, I kind of feel the same.

It just feels kind of selfish, to be stressing out about, say, college loans or something, and then go check out your friends' journals and find people talking about barely scraping by on their disability check, or how they got triggered by [thing] and are just now coming down from the panic attack, or how disgusted they feel by their own body every time they look in the mirror. And then I feel guilty, for having the privilege to worry about a piddly thing like college loans. (And intellectually I know privilege guilt is a useless and selfish and terrible reaction, but it remains my instant gut reaction nevertheless. And then I feel worse for that, hooray.)

And really, more than anything I would like to be able to sympathize, but I... just can't relate. I realize how little common ground I actually have with my so-called friends besides fandom. And that makes me feel extra shitty.

[(Anonymous)]

I know it sucks that you can't relate, or that you feel your own problems are never being heard. But realistically, you should be happy you don't have serious issues to deal with like the people on your flist do. Just remember, to these people your problems probably are small by sheer comparison. It doesn't mean that you should never complain ever or talk about them, but just keep that fact in mind.

[apricot-smudge.livejournal.com]

I think that your puppies should explode you into rainbows and then you can bring color and brightness to the ones who are having a thing that's problematic.

They are in a bad way. You help...or you do not. Right now you do not. But it can be righted.

[(Anonymous)]

You do realize that friendship is about listening to ALL problems though right? Like I have some of the issues you listed, but that doesn't mean I won't listen to a friend rant about a boss or that they had a frizzy hair day- hell, some days I want to rant about just having a frizzy hair day.

Yeah, if you INTERRUPT a serious chat to talk about petty things, it might be a problem. And on the reverse side if ALL your friends talk about is HOW MUCH THEIR LIFE SUCKS then they need to be talking to a therapist and not to you.

But outside of extremes, it is possible for someone with a decent life and someone with a (subjectively) not so decent life to get along. Just remember to have some compassion and you'll do fine.

[transemacabre.livejournal.com]

This is why on my lj profile page, I state in no uncertain terms that I am not here to be your internets therapist. You have problems; I have problems. But I have to take care of ME first and foremost. I can barely hold myself together, I cannot shoulder all your pain as well. That would be doing neither of us favors.

I have de-friended people before for talking about their cutting, eating disorders, etc. Its your lj, post whatever you want, but I cannot handle reading it and I won't subject myself to it. I am not an endless font of GIVE GIVE GIVE. These are my boundaries. They are clearly marked.

Perhaps setting boundaries with your flist would help you to be healthier and happier in your relationships with them. Your boundaries don't have to be the same as mine. But it might help to consider what works for YOU.

(Also, not everyone who doesn't want to listen to that stuff had a carefree life. I've survived some terrible, terrible things. But I don't talk about them here.)

[msloserrific.livejournal.com]

If I'm interpreting this correctly, I understand. I don't get "baww, why can't I have ~real~ problems", but more, "When I compare my problems to the problems of the people on my f-list, they seem really insignificant and trivial. So I feel dumb for getting upset about it and I feel like it's disrespectful/pointless/etc to bring in up in light of what other people face. And that makes me uncomfortable and upset."

I would say have a give and take. Don't be like that asshole upthread who interrupted someone's grief to talk about their broken nail, but it's okay to vent.

[(Anonymous)]

Out of my closest fandom friends from around the internet,

- one has a physically abusive parent;
- one had (past tense) a sexually abusive parent;
- two have, in a slightly unsettling parallel, a history of ill health, plus two chronically ill parents they are the only available caretaker of, meaning they can't even get a stable, full-time job, and as a result live in abject poverty;
- one is a closet trans person with a history of self-harming and suffers from severe social anxiety and depressive episodes;
- one is doomed to a lifetime of inexplicable and therefore incurable agony after a medical mistake made in early childhood;
- one was born with foetal alcohol syndrom and as a result will have to rely on a drug coctail all their life just to keep them somewhat emotionally stable;
- one comes from a criminal family and was recently almost murdered by a relative with a grudge.

Me? I... had no friends for a couple of years because nobody shared my weird hobbies, and some of the kids in my class would make fun of me for it. My dog was run over when I was little. My mother threw my favorite video game in the trash by accident.

This is not a complaint. I love my online friends to death and am always willing to listen, which is mutual. I don't feel like they're using their suffering to get pitied and will backhand anyone who implies they do. I don't wish I had anything to "match up" to them. Et cetera et cetera. But yeah. When my FTM friend's parents have just kicked him out of the house with a couple of broken bones as a parting gift, while at the same time another's parent had to be rushed to the emergency room because of a recurring infection, and another had recently admitted to having suicidal thoughts... me not knowing how to make new friends very well, or failing my driver's test because I'm chickenshit, or not being appreciative of my father's "risqué" sense of humor, seems kind of insubstantial. What kind of bitch would I be to come to them complaining about THAT while they're at the edge of despair and should ideally be smothered in fluffy bunnies? I'm shy and not very assertive. Sometimes, it simply feels like the only decent thing for me to do is keep my trap shut about my own problems and support them through theirs.

TL;DR, will everyone please stop screeching PRIVILIGE at the top of their lungs and acknowledge that unequal levels of misery are just awkward to deal with sometimes?

[xenafox.livejournal.com]

You know, SOMETIMES I get that. Although it's usually when I get a weird response.

While taking to a friend the other night I mentioned something I was upset about despite happening some time ago. I guess it wasn't a big thing but it bothers me sometimes and conversation lead to me bringing it up.

My friends response was "yea well at that time I was getting beaten on a daily basis and everyone ignored me".

...Okay? I feel bad for her and I've talked her through problems, but I don't think the appropriate response when someone is upset about something is to try to "one-up" them in horrible things.

Hmm. I'm worried I went OT x.x

[no-one-specific.livejournal.com]

Replace 'fandom' with 'real life' and add 'last year' and this could've been me.

OP, there's nothing wrong with that. You do have problems. If it hurts you, it's a problem. No one has a right to tell you differently. Anyone who does sucks. It hurts. And it seems so much less than everything else, and you want to ignore it because you don't want to come off as being a crazy attention whore. But at the same time, you need someone to listen. It's ok. If these people are considered good enough friends to be able to tell you about their problems, they should damn well listen to you when you're going through a rough time.

So. If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.