[ SECRET POST #2300 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2300 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


__________________________________________________



02.


__________________________________________________



03.


__________________________________________________



04.


__________________________________________________



05.


__________________________________________________



06.


__________________________________________________



07.


__________________________________________________



08.


__________________________________________________



09.


__________________________________________________



10.


__________________________________________________



11.


__________________________________________________



12.


__________________________________________________



13.


__________________________________________________



14.


__________________________________________________



15.


__________________________________________________
















Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 093 secrets from Secret Submission Post #329.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

05. http://i50.tinypic.com/121d5rs.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

Have you tried inviting her to some other hobby activity? Inviting her out for a game of tennis, or walking, or just something that you two could do together and chat about?

[(Anonymous)]

She talks about fandom all the time, and that by itself is nothing to be concerned about. Seriously.

Also, what do you mean by "she's saying weird stuff"? More info is needed, because from this secret alone you look like you're overreacting (and you probably are--you seem prone to hyperbole.)

[(Anonymous)]

Like... what?

[(Anonymous)]

"Just do something besides TV/movies/comic books/video games!"

This seems more like you have a problem with her while she doesn't actually have a problem.

[(Anonymous)]

"Get some other hobby"? You just listed four hobbies that she has. How do you know she has time for another?

Honestly, this sounds a bit like concern-trolling. She's "saying weird stuff"? What do you mean? "I ship it" sounds ~weird to anyone not aware of fandom jargon. Why are you concerned about her health? Are you saying that she locks herself in her room for weeks at a time and doesn't exercise or bathe because she's too busy with fandom RPing -- or are you saying that she's just really fixated on a particular set of hobbies and you find her interest somehow abnormal? If she were this enthusiastic about sports, or knitting, or politics, or volunteering, would you still find it ~unhealthy?

You haven't given us any reason to think that anything is actually wrong, other than that your friend likes things that you don't like and it annoys you. If there's more going on that you haven't said, then maybe you have a valid point, but if there's not? Grow up and accept that some people like things that you don't like.

[(Anonymous)]

Given this is a place where people actually post secrets that say things like "OMG! I'm not as obsessed with fandom as I was when I was younger/depressed/in a shitty situation! What's wrong with meeeeeeeeee?" I'm guessing you're going to get a LOT of defensive responses from people for posting this.

Here's the thing--your friend's fandom obsession? Not actually your problem to solve. The only thing you need to do is figure out how to handle things from your end when your friend is making you uncomfortable because she's boring you senseless (obsessed people are notoriously boring) and weirding you out. Just work on your own boundaries, and let her live her life.

[making_excuses]

"Just do something besides TV/movies/comic books/video games!"

Well that is why I study film and television, I can talk about it all day without sounding weird.

Today I had a really long conversation on the phone with one of my classmates about how gays and PoC are represented in media and why we should be taught more about it in the subject we are having now.

oh and about how non serious shows handle serious subjects, and why Horror movies suck, and why most High School movies give teenager the wrong view of what makes them worth something.

Okay that got away from me a bit, what I was going to say was: you can actually do something with fandom obsessions and you don't exactly need other hobbies...

[(Anonymous)]

Or maybe shut the fuck up and let your friend be interested in what she wants to be interested in during her free time.

[elaminator]

Maybe she does have another hobby that she hasn't mentioned to you? Or maybe she doesn't have time for a hobby other than fandom outside her RL. Maybe she's going through a hard time and is using fandom to take her mind off things, or maybe she just really, really likes fandom. (None of those are bad things in and of themselves.)

Now I do think if you explicitly said, "Hey, lets talk about something other than fandom" and she couldn't think of anything to say or didn't want to speak about anything else, then she should've given you some distance. (For both your sakes.)

Still, if fandom is primarily what interests her...well, it might not be so easy for her to turn it off. If you can't handle that then the two of you might want to spend some time apart. (Again, for both your sakes.)

[(Anonymous)]

This secret sounds so alarmist I can't take it seriously.

[(Anonymous)]

This has happened quite a few times to me, so I can relate.
It's the reason for why I consider my fandom friends to be fandom friends only and don't put them on the same "level" as my RL friends.

Whenever I grew too fond of a person I met in fandom and wanted to let the friendship cross over into RL, it turned out the fandom people only wanted me to do fandom related shit with them and never showed interest in "non-fandom" stuff I invited them to (like swimming, going to museums or concerts, go shopping with me or taking a walk with me and my dog). It was always: "Oh let's watch anime, oh let's talk about our ships, oh let's bitch about people in fandom I hate". Yuck.

[bigredhug]

I think what OP means is that they'd like their friend to leave the house sometimes and connect with other people irl and all that jazz, and that sounds like a reasonable concern. But yeah, we really don't know what OP and friend's situation is besides that they don't seem to like listening to eachother's opinions very much? idk

[(Anonymous)]

I have to agree with this secret, because I know people who are the same way. I think what OP might be saying ere is that their friend is using fandom to avoid the real world. And even if they're not, being over-obsessed is still a problem. What if someone only talked about sports all day, or fashion? Both of those things could be considered hobbies, but (for the average person) they're not lifestyles. Fandom is the same way. People get sucked into this idea that it's okay for their whole life to revolve around fandom when that level of fixation is actually really unhealthy.

[(Anonymous)]

And yet it's just fine to have something like knitting or sports be your only hobby.

[(Anonymous)]

I know the feeling.

It feels even worse when you're the one who introduced them to fandom in general and that fandom in particular and have since moved one, while they are stuck on it and their circle of friends has dwindled down to you (possibly because of the very limited amount of conversation topics).
So you get to hear the same thing every fucking day while silently going out of your mind but not daring to say much against it because of the guilt. Yeah, insert something about unhealthy relationships here, I know.

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes I worry that I come across this way. It's not that I'm only interested in fandom, it's that I don't share many of my other interests with my friends. We can still talk about serious shit other than fandom, and be silly about non-fandom things, but I think our friendships are mostly fandom-based. So maybe your friend is similar, although it is a bit rude of her to just keep talking about something when you asked her not to.

To be honest I couldn't see myself being friends with anyone who wasn't at least a bit understanding of fandom and nerdy obsessions. So try to be nice about it and wait for it to die down, as it usually does.

Am I the devil's advocate, here, or just the middle road?

[nyxelestia]

Okay, so, to the other commenters on here: we don't actually know what's going on with the OP or their friend. Maybe their friend is just really invested in fandom, or maybe they really do have an unhealthy obsession. Acknowledging the "maybe..." is one thing, but am I the only one a little disturbed by the fact half the people here are just jumping to conclusions about what's going on with the OP and their friend and assuming they're right?

To the OP:

As one of the very few reasonable commenters above said, there's really only so much you can do with your friend. Maybe try to encourage them, or at least let them know that you're getting a little uncomfortable with their obsession and you think they need to tone it down a little. You'd be surprised how often a simple, "I know [this thing] is awesome, but you need to tone it down before it consumes you and takes over your life, moderation and all that" can fix things right up, or at least put them on the right path - sometimes people are perfectly okay adjusting their behavior, they just don't realize that they are taking things too far and they don't know that they need to adjust. Be gentle but firm. If that doesn't work, then just set your own boundaries and/or slowly edge away from them, and let them obsess to their own peril. Unless the friend is somehow in your care, they are not your wellbeing, and there's only so much you can do for them before you have to step back to save yourself.

That said, do also try to put your friend's interest/obsession into context. It might be that it's the only hobby they have because it's the only one they have the time or resources for. If it's just your friend's only hobby, I wouldn't worry about it too much, but if it really is consuming your friend to the exclusion of other, important things (even if that other, important thing is just the understanding that someone might not be as interested in fandom as them), then yeah, I'd start to worry.

To everyone telling the OP to shut up:

It is, actually, possible to get consumed by fandom. It's one thing to love fandom, or for fandom to simply be your only hobby. It's another thing entirely to care about nothing but fandom, and to talk and think of fandom to the exclusion of everything else, and perhaps most worryingly, to obsess about fandom so much that you genuinely don't realize that someone you are talking to isn't interested or is even uncomfortable with what you are talking about. Talking a lot about fandom is okay, being unable to talk about anything but fandom is worrying.

I've seen both sides - people who are just really invested in fandom and don't have the ability to invest in other hobbies, and people who are truly obsessed to the point they can't really function in any context that doesn't connect to fandom and can't seem to figure out when someone they are talking to is getting bored or uncomfortable.

To, like, everyone:

Can we please stop jumping to conclusions about other people's lives based on only one or two details? Please?

from the perspective of someone who was like the op's friend

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, you can get consumed by fandom to an unhealthy degree, but it's often a symptom of other underlying problems (depression, a desperate need to escape a crappy home/school life, actual mental imbalances, etc.).

Like others said above, there's not much other people can do to make you stop. Even inviting you to do other activities is kind of a moot point because you're still thinking about your obsession(s) 24/7; you don't really get into the activities if your mind is elsewhere and you can only thing of how soon this boring stuff can be over so you can go back to the obsession.

Unfortunately, op, this is something that your friend has to acknowledge as a problem before she can get better. All the interventions of the world, all the psychological help, all the yelling, pleading and anything you can think of won't work on her until she realizes how deep in she is. And even then, an actual normal life looks scary after you've clung to something as your lifeline for so long. She might lose interest, she might latch onto something else, who knows! Maybe actual psychiatric help could help her if it's something chemical.

But anyway, the only one who can bring herself out of this cycle is the OP's friend. OP, the best you can do is to try to be there for her, but don't let her drag you down with feelings of impotence and "I've got to save her" mentality.

Just... be available every now and then if she wants to talk, try to be a voice of reason without trying to force her, and - hopefully - when she comes to her senses you'll still be there to resume your friendship. If she's anything like I was when I realized what was going on and finally broke out of it, she'll be embarrassed over her behavior, but grateful that you remained a friend.

Relevant reading for people who think OP is exaggerating

[(Anonymous)]

These people genuinely exist, either if you've never come across one yourself. Sometimes it's fandom, sometimes it's religion, sometimes it's just a celebrity, but, I don't think OP is alarmist for being concerned:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3444416

[(Anonymous)]

To everyone jumping on the OP: They are not judging people for liking fandom and being nerdy and enjoying fannish things. They are not attacking YOU. It's pretty clear the OP is just concerned that their friend is focusing on fandom to the exclusion of other things.

To the OP: As others have said, maybe you can try inviting your friend to things outside of fandom. What are some things you have both enjoyed doing in the past that don't have a connection to fandom? Try doing that. Or think of some things you would both enjoy.
And try asking your friend about things outside of fandom. How their day was, how are their family/friends. Hopefully your friend might open up some more.

[(Anonymous)]

I love how so many of these comments are, "Just leave her the fuck alone to do what she wants!" It's not surprising considering this is Fandom Secrets and a lot of people who come here probably are a bit obsessed with fandom and fandom-y stuff.

Fandom is something that can absolutely consume someone to the point where they don't want to do anything with their lives other than fandom-related things. And that's totally unhealthy, just as any other obsession can be.

I once was friends with a girl who was a somewhat BNF in the fandom we shared. Her days were consumed with writing fic and drawing pictures for our fandom. We would RP, but she would always want to RP and not much else. If I didn't answer her back right away (we would RP via text) she would get upset. She didn't have a job because she didn't care to work. She only wanted to do what "made her happy," which was fandom. Fortunately for her, she had a husband who would bring in the money and take care of her (for who knows what reason) while she just happily spent her time contributing to the fandom. When I actually needed her to be there for me as a friend (which I thought we were) she let me down in a big way. She was selfish, fandom was consuming her entire life, and I finally just had to leave. We had a falling out and she eventually left the fandom we were in in order to, you probably guessed it, join another fandom. I have no doubt that the cycle is just repeating itself, considering her personality.

So although I don't know the whole situation with OP and her friend, it's obviously something that concerns her. Give OP the benefit of the doubt and don't write it off as if it's not some giant problem that her friend is only focused on fandom. It can happen, and it can be very unhealthy.

[(Anonymous)]

Meh, I empathize with you, OP. I think people have been a bit rough on you upthread. Maybe I'm just inserting my own situation but yeah, if your friend used to be a different person before she became increasingly obsessed with fandom, then that can be tough. And people forget their are different kinds of obsession. With a good friend of mine, it's not just the "knowing all the trivia" or "spending a lot of time on it" kind of obsession - I don't see anything wrong with that. But for her, it's an obsession where seemingly her entire happiness and mental wellbeing is increasingly tied to shipping wars, rumor and gossip about what's next for the shows she watches, and obsessive (obsessive!) collection of evidence about her real-life actor pairings being real, to the extent she will support and encourage people who are practically stalking actors in real life. It's like her whole life is now about ships and when you ask how she is, you don't hear anything about how she actually is as a person, you hear that she's upset because or [x] rumor in [y] show fandom, or because mean [a/b] shippers are being oppressive to her pairing. I don't think it does her any good, and in fact her moods and will to do anything else [including work, schoolwork, or socialize with rl friends] seems to have hugely deteriorated since she got really obsessive about fandom. It's actually a little scary. I've tried to help as much as I could but I haven't had any affect, I'm afraid. I feel like there are probably quite a few people like this in fandom, it makes me a little sad to think about it.

[(Anonymous)]

Wow, how pathetically self-centered. Your friend doesn't exist for your sake and should be able to do whatever she wants without some sour-smelling wet blanket like yourself weighing her down.

Do the world a favor and remove your boring, selfish presence from it in the most painful, agonizing way possible.

[(Anonymous)]

I can't believe all the hate the secret has. Do none of you have that one friend that only talks about sports? It's annoying as heck and has nothing to do with the interest.

Best advice here is the few people who suggested doing something (go hiking,do a craft project, whatever) together so you have something in common.