fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2303 ]

[ SECRET POST #2303 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2303 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 048 secrets from Secret Submission Post #329.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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He's 11 years old and prone to crying, screaming, and throwing tantrums. He's constantly in his head and almost frighteningly obsessive over the things he likes, to the point that he just can't bother with anything else. We thought, at first, that he had ADHD, and while he was diagnosed with it, I don't think for a moment that that's all.

For a while we considered that he might be autistic, but when we took him to therapist we were told that he's just very "sensitive" (the school counselor said the same). My parents were relieved to hear that and since then have just stopped trying to help him properly. They argue with him constantly because of the reasons I mentioned above (even I, who tries to be sensitive towards him and give him his space, get so exhausted/upset by his constant fits and tendency to get lost in his head/talk to himself), and it's just tiring.

I'm going to be going to be going away to college this year but I'm afraid to leave when things at home are still so tense. I know my parents don't want to believe that there might be something really "wrong" with him, hence why they've just been carrying on and hoping he grows out of it, but I don't think that he will, and so I know things aren't going to get any better.

I've tried asking them to take him to another psychologist, but all they tell me is that it's just a stage and he'll grow out of it. I get that they're scared, but c'mon!

I'm pretty much the designated buffer between the two of them, and as much as I hate my position, I'm going to worry when I'm not around to be shield.

What should I do?

How long has it been going on?

Years, and it's only been getting worst. He's going to be twelve next month, too.

Puberty tends to straighten out many a quirk in young children. Stop inventing problems until there's a need to.

Re: My little brother...

(Anonymous) - 2013-04-24 00:22 (UTC) - Expand

Re: My little brother...

(Anonymous) - 2013-04-24 00:30 (UTC) - Expand

Re: My little brother...

(Anonymous) - 2013-04-24 01:07 (UTC) - Expand

Re: My little brother...

(Anonymous) - 2013-04-24 02:04 (UTC) - Expand

Go to college and let your parents do the parenting.

this isn't very helpful, since it sounds like the parents may be abdicating some of their responsibility as parents--plus they've apparently let the OP fall into the role of family mediator and placator, so OP may have reason to worry about what could happen in their absence.

It works both ways. OP will not be forced into the role of parenting, and the parents will be forced to suck it up and accept their responsibilities.

Or OP's a control freak who willfully wears the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Re: My little brother...

(Anonymous) - 2013-04-24 00:01 (UTC) - Expand

Go to college. Call often.

If it makes you feel better you described pretty much how I acted until 15 or so. I did in fact grow out of it.

That being said, I surely could have done with some therapy at the time. Maybe try and convince your parents that therapy would help even if he's not autistic? A lack of one diagnosis doesn't mean that everything is OK.

-Throws tantrums, even in the middle of the street.
-Breaks down and cries for even the simplest thing (such as making him eat vegetables, or making him go outside when he doesn't want to, or telling him to re-write something because it's too sloppy, or telling him to look harder for his bookbag, etc).
-Breaks down and screams when he's unhappy (such as when he loses a game of musical chairs or has to get off the computer early to do HW, etc).
-Talks to himself constantly, regardless of the audience, and can't seem to stop.
-Talks about his interests and nothing but his interests (which so happens to be video games, comics, and certain television shows). And I mean NOTHING ELSE. One second can't go by without him discussing this, and if you try to steer the conversation elsewhere he refuses to budge.
-Inability to articulate what he feels. Instead of talking about his feelings or his thoughts he breaks into fits and usually starts crying. Even when you're being calm he screams and cries like he's unable to stop and control himself.

He's twelve now, and too old for this to be considered standard behavior. Even *I* know that. But if you say that all this describes you up until you were fifteen, then maybe I can leave for college without worrying so much.

Yeah I'm not proud of it, but yes. I would cry at the littlest thing make mountains out of molehiles throw temper tantrums. I'd scream at people and throw anything I could get my hands at when angry. I was quick to anger and it came fast and hot. If anyone had asked at the time there was absolutely no way I could articulate my feelings or thoughts and it would only lead to frustrating and more fits and crying or throwing things.

The only difference I see is the talking to myself. Outside of my tantrums and hysterics I was a very quiet kid.

I still think I could have done with some therapy, but yeah I grew out of it. I learned how to control my outbursts and to tamp down my excessive emotions. I still struggle with articulating my thoughts and feelings but the frustration doesn't lead to tantrums and extremes anymore.

Re: My little brother...

yeahscience - 2013-04-24 05:02 (UTC) - Expand

Re: My little brother...

(Anonymous) - 2013-04-24 05:59 (UTC) - Expand

You're quite likely overreacting. And seriously underestimating kids' capacity to both be frickin' insane and to adapt their behavior when it stops working for them. He most likely will grow out of it. Go to college. Call and check in on him regularly. Let your parents be parents. They raised you, didn't they?

Now, I'm not saying it's impossible that there's something wrong with him, but it doesn't sound like any big red flag that's definitely not right and to be definitely concerned about.

That being said, it can't hurt to encourage your parents to have him see a therapist if your family can afford it, even if there's nothing "wrong" with him. It might do him good if he's having a difficult time of things.

I'm reading over this passage and the thing that jumps out at me most is that there's one very critical perspective missing from all of this: What are your brother's feelings about any of this?

Eleven years is a bit young for any thorough or informed opinions on this sort of matter, but it's old enough to feel happy or unhappy with your life. Judging by your descriptions of his meltdowns and how often he has them, he's probably feeling at least as worn out as you are, if not considerably moreso.

I've asked him before, often, and he always says the same thing: that he can't help it. And then he gets really inarticulate and visibly frustrated and storms off, usually to scream or cry.

When I asked what he'd like to do about it he said "I don't know!" and did the exact same thing I mentioned above.

Re: My little brother...

(Anonymous) - 2013-04-24 00:37 (UTC) - Expand

Re: My little brother...

(Anonymous) - 2013-04-24 01:21 (UTC) - Expand

Dude, sometimes when you're 11 it feels like the world is against you and you're a little, overdramatic asshole because of it. If he's been to a counselor and then he's been to a psychologist after that, and neither saw a problem beyond ADHD...there's probably not a problem there.

You're not his mother, and just from this thread it doesn't sound like he needs or whats you to be, and if you push yourself in everywhere, he'll probably just resent you. Give him room to be who he is -- screaming jerkface and all -- and chances are good your parents are right, and he'll grow out of it.

So yeah. Step back and do your own thing. Just keep in touch. And when yo do, don't ask how he's feeling (most boys don't want to talk about their ~*feelings*~) just ask what he's been up to, how things are going, etc.

I push myself in everywhere because I HAVE to. Because otherwise my parents would be snapping at him all the time-- shouting at their boiling points--, and he'd be talking to himself every second, and throwing tantrums over every little thing.

I'm 17, and I know he's not my responsibility, but he doesn't really have anyone else. He doesn't have friends because of the talking to himself/screaming & crying tantrums/inability to talk about anything else but his interests, my parents obviously don't know what the hell to do with him, he doesn't listen to his teachers much, if at all... how can I NOT look after him?

Gosh, maybe I should just back off and let my parents deal with everything. I know it's not my job, but he's still my little brother. =/

Re: My little brother...

(Anonymous) - 2013-04-24 00:55 (UTC) - Expand

(just so you know, I'm autistic myself)

It does sound like he could potentially be autistic. If your family is afraid to hear that, they shouldn't be - autism isn't a tragedy. It's just a different way of thinking and of processing the world. Understanding the difficulties that he has are important to be able to help him be happy and lead whatever life he wants to lead. If you have a diagnosis, you can maybe get accommodations that would help him. (But be wary that some supposed "treatments" for autism can actually be very damaging.)

Even if he isn't autistic, that doesn't mean they shouldn't try to help him, and, possibly most importantly, to understand him. What is it that upsets him, what stresses him out, how can the family help reduce that stress?

Agreed (and I'm autistic too). There's been a bit of a push away from diagnosing ASDs lately, with the whole perception that they're overdiagnosed. Unfortunately, that means that people sometimes go undiagnosed instead. I'd look up diagnostic criteria (look up the DSM-V criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder, not one of the older ones), see if his behaviour is a possible match, and if it is, document it and seek a second opinion.

Does he behavior appeared to be brought on by anything (stress, etc.) or is just random? If something is triggering his emotional outbursts, maybe he just needs some kind of therapy to help handle his emotions. (I'm surprised the therapist just said "he's sensitive" and left it at that, that's why psychotherapy like DBT exists.) I mean, if I could go back in time and change things I would want to be medicated but I also am hesitant to slap a label on a kid and suggest he needs to be treated for a mental illness when maybe it's just that he has trouble with anger management, etc.

Honestly, I'm bipolar and he sounds a lot like me as a child

1) He might be autistic, or have Asperger's. I know, armchair Asperger's diagnosis is the fail, but I have a friend with a diagnosed case and a lot of what you're taking about was him. I met him when he was in his mid teens and he was prone to random outbursts of yelling and violence (he threw his bestest friend into a wall in high school and actually dented it, but thankfully, his friend understood his condition and didn't hold it against him). He gets incredibly obsessed over the things he likes (something he's told me before is very common with people that have his condition) and will yammer on forEVER about them. He was prone to irrational emotional outbursts and taking things way way WAY out of context. However, he is now in his mid-twenties, and while he's had some trouble holding down a job and isn't sure if he'd be able to handle college, he's very happy, has a long-term girlfriend, and has taken amazing leaps in learning social cues and how to act and react properly. I'm very proud of him, he's come a long, long way. :)

2) However, he might not have anything "wrong" with him at all. My husband was prone to violent outbursts and temper tantrums when he was younger. His parents took him to counselors and therapists and all of them told his eight year old self that he'd grow up to be a serial killer and locked behind bars forever. THAT fucked him up more than anything, and I've suggested on more than one occasion that he look up those assholes and send them our wedding photo with the caption "No thanks to you!"

As he grew older, he still had the impulses, but he's learned to recognize when he's going too far or taking things way out of line. Even in the short time we've been married (a few years), he's grown amazingly. I think part of it was because his parents just sort of left him to his devices once he became a teenager (he was sorta home-schooled, in the sense that he did schoolwork when he felt like it). Even so, he was left alone and he still became a very good person. He has a strict sense of right and wrong and values honesty over all.

What reminds me of him, though, is that your brother fixates on things he likes, and my husband does the same thing, though not nearly to the same degree as my friend. If he gets a game he's wanted to play, he will stay up all night long and into the morning and into the afternoon and keep playing. He mostly only does that with video games (which are his passion) but he'll also do that with Netflix if he finds a show he likes.

tl;dr: Go to college. Call often. Watch your brother and see if he will grow out of this. If it doesn't look like he's getting better as time goes on, then try and talk to your parents about what you're seeing and let them decide. And I don't think you'll get anywhere asking your brother what he wants NOW, no twelve year old knows what they want with their life outside of Lucky Charms and Pokemon.

Okay, here's some questions you need to ask.

When you meddle in these situations, are you actually helping, or are you just staving off the next tantrum/parental shoutfest?

When you meddle, are you helping your brother by letting him avoid punishment for his bad actions, or are you further enabling them?

When you meddle, are you helping your parents notice that his behaviour might be consistently problematic, or are you letting them dodge their responsibility to tending their child by taking that on yourself?

When you meddle, are you stressed, upset, and unhappy?

Here's the thing. This is NOT YOUR JOB. You are his sister, and you love and care for him, but you are not RESPONSIBLE for him.

Speaking from a LOT of experience, at your age and in your position, there is NOTHING you can do that will make this stuff better. This sort of thing needs time. Time for your brother to grow up and get his head on straight, or otherwise time for your parents to see that he does need help because the behaviour is continuing/worsening.

In the end, this tense situation is going to continue regardless of whether or not you meddle. The only thing that changes when you bow out is that you will feel infinitely less stressed and unhappy not having to deal with it every day. Start practising disengagement. Walk away when your brother chucks a fit - don't enable his tantrums with an audience. Walk away when your parents complain about him - you're only seventeen and it's not your job to listen or lecture. Go find a quiet place and play some music and let them scream and scream like they will if you're there anyway.

It's not easy, I know that. You want to be the good older sister and you want to help, but right now you need to take a big step back. Be supportive when your brother behaves well and DON'T be a punching bag when he acts up. Same for your parents. Take a deep breath, let their problems go, and look forward to college. You can't fix their problems, but you can certainly stop making them YOURS.

nayrt

...all this talk about not "enabling" his "bad behavior" makes me sad, because a lot of what he's doing sounds more to me like a kid who is very overwhelmed and can't figure out how to communicate it except through actions.

people ignored me when i freaked out when i was younger, when i cried and hurt myself because i was just so panicked and unhappy all the time - and so i didn't get any help. all i learned is that when i am overwhelmed and freaking out and upset i should never bother anyone and instead should just go hurt myself in private.

...probably i'm projecting too much, but. i think if someone seems so upset all the time, there's probably something that's stressing them out or something. idk...

Re: My little brother...

deenaa - 2013-04-24 04:33 (UTC) - Expand

I'm a little surprised at how many people are brushing off your concerns. :/ As an older sister I know how incredibly unhelpful "You're not the parent! You're the sibling!" can be. :( I'm in an incredibly difficult situation with my little brother right now and just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I am not so incredibly invested in him that I would literally give up my own health and happiness to fix everything for him.

I've gotta say this does not sound like a normal phase to me but obviously I don't have the expertise to make the call.

People do grow out of things. But they do so because they learn, not because some magical time period has passed. It doesn't sound like your brother is going to learn or grow from how he's being helped. If your parents can't handle him then I strongly think they need to involve a neutral professional.

But here's the thing. It doesn't sound like you're helping him. If anything you're enabling your parents mishandling of the situation and ensuring status quo. Go to college. Beg your parents to get a second opinion (even if you have to convince them it's just for your peace of mind) or at least some family counseling.

You know, as someone on the spectrum, I have to say, he sounds extremely autistic. Constantly in his head, extremely obsessive, unable to articulate his feelings, a diagnosis of ADHD... it's like a younger me, except I wasn't prone to fits. Even though people have said he isn't, from what you've said here I'm about 95% sure he's on the spectrum.

I think there's a strong possibility that some kind of sensory issues are contributing to the problem. Autistic people can have weird problems with processing sensory information, and may be hypersensitive to a lot of things. He might be bothered by flourescent lights, clothing that feels too stiff or scratchy--there are a lot of little particular things that normal people can just ignore but autistics can't. That, plus the fact that his obsessions dominate everything he says and all his attempts at interaction, add up to a powderkeg of frustration just waiting to become a screaming fit.

You may want to talk with him--and your parents--about whether certain noises or sensations or other stimuli make him uncomfortable or jazzed up, and then try to work with him when he's not being bothered by those things. It's hard enough to be a normal kid and learn things and get along with people, and so much harder when there are a hundred things that bother you and nobody else.

...wow, that got really long. Sorry about the tl;dr, I'll stop it here.

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