[ SECRET POST #2455 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2455 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 061 secrets from Secret Submission Post #351.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

02. http://i39.tinypic.com/2s1w55h.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

Your friendships aren't meaningless, honey. It's just that, if you think about it, it really is every person for themselves. You have to get over the thought that people are going to be there for you. Sometimes they will. Sometimes they won't. You can't expect people to "notice," because they are caught up in their own ego. You are, too, because hey, you dropped out to see if they would notice. And that is kind of catering to your own ego. See, nobody is exempt.

But the best thing for you to do is to learn how to be there for yourself and stay strong when nobody else is around. And then learn how to be an awesome friend, too, because you will get more when you give more.

Hang in there anon.

[(Anonymous)]

Do you post/comment regularly in fandom places and talk to your online friends daily? If not, they may have assumed life had become busy for you or you needed a break or that you just weren't in a position to participate. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't care. If you are posting/commenting every day then I would think they would have noticed, but still might have assumed those reasons depending on how open and obvious you were about needing a break.

I think you should talk to them about it. Tell them how you felt you needed a break and were hurt by their lack of concern. They may not have realized that there's a problem.

[(Anonymous)]

I often notice when people drop out of my online social circles for a few days/weeks, but unless 1) we are really especially super close and/or 2) I actually know dangerous shit might be going on in their life, I tend not to comment or inquire at all. RL > internet, and sometimes people just need a break. I don't want to be seen putting pressure on people to prioritize me/the internet over whatever else they have going on, not because internet friendships are meaningless, but because the internet and most activities on it are a luxury. I trust people to manage their own time, basically.

TLDR: it sucks that you didn't get the attention you were looking for, but you're making a lot of assumptions about your friends that may or may not be true for each of them.

[(Anonymous)]

How much did you care about your friends when you disappeared without warning them or explaining why you were gone? You never gave a shit if they would worry or not (only afterward did you check, for your own ego's sake), why should they care about you?

[(Anonymous)]

if you thought you guys were such good friends, why would you leave without giving them a head's up and tell them not to worry? or was part of the reason you left was so you could give them a stupid test to see if they were your ~*true friends~*? it's possible that your friends are dicks, but so are you

[souljelly]

I can go ages without seeing people IRL and then pick up with them where I left off; perhaps to your fandom friends, it's the same case for them? Maybe they're just expecting you to drop back in whenever your life gets less hectic. I know I get busy and don't get around to replying to people for ages at a time, sometimes. Doesn't mean I don't care about them.

[bringreligiontothewamwams]

So a random person on the internet vanished? Big deal. That is basically what people do on the internet, when people notice and comment on someone vanishing into the cyber ether it is the exception and not the rule.. No one is going to get bent out of shape over you vanishing online. It is nothing personal to you, but if you want people to notice your absence you are gonna need to be part of a real life group.

[forgottenjester]

On one hand, good for you that you're taking more time to put more effort into real life connections. On the other hand, just because they didn't say anything doesn't mean they didn't care. There are people who disappear from F!S and I like them but I've never sent them a PM. People disappear on the internet all the time. You can't really expect people to go crazy about it. Heck, I've been gone for something, like, four weeks before? No one said anything and I didn't expect anything. It doesn't mean no one cares. And if they didn't notice, so what? I don't know, I guess I just don't understand why it's expected for internet friends to do anything other than wait for you to return if you do.

...That was rambly wasn't it? I hope I made some kind of point.

As someone who's had a "friend" pull this on them

[(Anonymous)]

The overall sentiment of the responses are what they are.

Plus: does anyone else find it creepy that OP checked a months worth of Skype logs to see if anyone mentioned their name?

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sorry you feel this way, and I hope you're not one of my friends.

However, the lack of asking where you were or IMing doesn't mean no one cared. IM seems to have gone out of style, I swear nobody actually uses it even if they're on, and as for asking on LJ where (anon) is, honestly? I rarely do unless it's been a really long time, and even then only if we have mutual friends. For me, a month isn't that long - I've gone a month several times. They probably just assumed you were busy, and figured you'd contact them when you got a chance.

On the other hand, it is true that online friendships can be fickle, so there's nothing wrong with pursuing different hobbies if it makes you feel better. But don't assume nobody cared.

Secret 2 - Fandom friendship

[transcriptanon]

[Picture is a grayscale photograph of a woman sitting sadly on a bench somewhere grassy. Her back is to the camera. She is wearing pants and sleeveless blouse with a sweater drapped over her back. She has long dark hair.]

I needed a break, so I disappeared from fandom for a month.

None of my fandom friends noticed I was gone. No emails, no PMs, no "hey, has anyone seen [anon] lately?" in our group Skype chat.

I feel stupid for caring about them all so much, when they didn't care abuot me. At least now I know my online friendships are meaningless, and I can try to carry on with my life outside the Internet.

[akacat]

THANK YOU.

I have an online friend I haven't seen in weeks, and it seems like the only time I think to message her is when I'm in my car. Then it falls right out of my brain until the next time I'm driving. I read your secret and immediately sent her a message.

(Maybe your friends are just absentminded like me?)

[tasogare_n_hime]

I'm not sure too many people would notice if I went away for a while. I don't post very often except for one or two places.

I know a girl on Tumblr who I haven't heard from for a while, where in the same fandom with the same OTP so we follow each other. She lives in Syria, and I'm scared something has happened to her. At the same time however other than fandom I don't know her at all, and all I can really do is hope she's ok.

[(Anonymous)]

I can go a month without talking to my real life friends, to say nothing of people I only know from fandom. Maybe your fandom friends are just laid back? Or maybe they figure you have real-life stuff going on, and don't want to bother you?

[gamma_orionis]

You aren't someone I know by any chance, are you, OP? You sound like someone I know...

[(Anonymous)]

This will always be true of nearly all "friends," either online or otherwise. It's unfortunate, but there it is. At least they didn't turn on you-- I've had fandom after fandom of friends who ignored it when a few people in the fandom turned on me, and a few of them even joined in. Too often, people are fickle and nasty when the chips are down

Enjoy fandom as much has you can, but always remember you can't rely on others. *BIG HUGS*

[(Anonymous)]

If I notice someone actively staying away from my corners of the web for a while, I try really hard not to disturb them, assuming they need a break for some reason. If there's some extra special occasion, like their birthday or something, I might send them a PM with best wishes etc., but take care to mention that while I miss them, I understand that RL make demands on everybody and that I hope they're okay wherever they are and whatever they do - and that I will be here when they're good and ready to come back.

true

[(Anonymous)]

Well, that's right. Online friends are useless in real life, so what? Come to thik about that, most offline friends wouldn't call you either. *Sigh*
Personally I wouldn't want to bother someone in such a case. Maybe if we talked exlusively, one-on-one... than maybe. It hasn't happened yet.

[(Anonymous)]

and I can try to carry on with my life outside the internet.

Good for you. I say this without sarcasm.

I don't get why most people seem to be assuming you're just a whiny egocentric unable to read the situation correctly, when this sort of thing happens all the time.

It's a lot easier to misjudge the level of intimacy in online friendships.

Try looking at it this way

[(Anonymous)]

A few months ago my beloved grandmother died of cancer. It all happened very quick even though the doctors had told us the cancer was in remission.
So naturally her death shocked me. I couldn't even be at her funeral because I was in the midst of finals and living on the other side of the country.

From one day to the next I found myself in a state of depression and grief and I didn't feel like talking to anyone about it, so I just told my group of fandom friends I'd be on a hiatus for an unknown amount of time and - my inbox almost exploded. They wouldn't leave me alone, they wanted to know what happened, they very aggressively told me they suspected me of trying to create drama. Half of them suddenly revealed their paranoia; they talked to each other about how they thought I was taking a break because of them. Others then labeled me an attention whore.

Needless to say I dropped out of this particular circle of "fandom friends".
So you see, when people care too much about you it can get really nasty real quick.

Btw, investing in your RL friendships is never wrong. But you can have both. It's not an "either or" situation.

[chordatesrock]

It's the internet. It's very easy, online, to read things without being seen reading them. For instance, if you're on AO3, have you ever looked at your hits-to-kudos ratio? What is it, on average? Thirty to one? Fifty to one? This is a known trait of internet interactions: people can be right there, hanging on your every word, without being visible.

When internet acquaintances don't show up to post or comment for a while, I assume they're listening quietly and don't have anything to add. Maybe nothing interests them enough to post about it; maybe they're too interested in a new fandom to make time to post. Maybe they don't comment because I haven't posted anything relevant to their interests, or because my posts got lost in their friends page.

For another thing, a month isn't that long, either. It's not unheard of for someone to desperately want to continue a friendship without necessarily panicking immediately. As you know, people sometimes take month-long breaks, so there are those who would wait longer than that before speaking up.

I would expect an unannounced absence to be noticed faster if you posted on a schedule than if you post whenever.

In my experience, it typically takes longer than a month between disappearance and "hey, where are you?"

That said, it's true that most internet friendships are never given a real test. You're not likely to know whether an internet friendship is real because few internet friendships involve one person being in a position to help another through a crisis. Does this mean they aren't real? It doesn't. It means you don't know.

I think you're right to cultivate RL friendships and recognize that you're not the center of your fandom's world, but nonetheless, I want to reassure you that your unproven internet friends might care more about you than you can tell.

.

[(Anonymous)]

I've been there. I didn't drop out specifically for attention, I honestly needed the break, but still it hurt that nobody actually noticed my disappearance.

The thing is, while I obviously understand the kneejerk hurt reaction, if you want something you're not getting from your friends you've got to be an adult and talk to them about it. If you're feeling hurt or ignored, let them know. I think we all have those "nobody ever notices me" moments, but at some point we all have to grow up and stop sulking, you know?

Good luck, OP. And I'm sure your friends miss you.

[dancing_clown]

You're not the center of everyone's universe. I mean, sorry you feel bad, but people have their own shit to do and think about -- and probably assume the same about you when you disappear.