[ SECRET POST #2596 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2596 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


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02.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation]


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03.
[The Croods]


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04.
[Elementary]


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05.
[Final Fantasy XIII]


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06.
[SCP Foundation]


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07.
[Philip Seymour Hoffman]


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08.
[Twin Peaks]


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09.
[Richard Armitage]


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10.
[Reign]


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11.
[The Hobbit]


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12.
[Hunger Games]


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13.
[Don't Hug Me I'm Scared]


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14.
[Teen Wolf]


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15.
[Panic! at The Disco/Dallon Weekes]















Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 063 secrets from Secret Submission Post #371.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fix.

[(Anonymous)]

I'll try to condense the story as much as possible: Bf and I went on a weekend with some people from an organization we're both part of. We were really looking forward to it,but to put it not-so-eloquently: it sucked incredibly.

We didn't feel very welcome because of several reasons, and although we tried to make the best of it, instead of emotionally recharching us, the weekend ended up totally draining us. Adding to that, I came down with the flu.

I basically ended up just blowing up at some people on Saturday night, because I was so frustrated. On Sunday, the bf and I got into a stupid fight (over a board game of all things). Basically, he bought two games he's been nagging me to try, I reluctantly agreed to try them out, but never gave him a exact date for it. He was sort of assuming we'd do it this weekend, as a lot of games were being played, but I preferred playing something else with someone else.

He called me a promise breaker for not wanting to play, escalating into saying I "led him on about making him believe I liked board games" (I only ever like some, humored him with others, but never pretended to be more than a casual player). Basically it escalated even more from there with him saying I disrespect the things he likes, then moving to other issues like how he feels we are drifting apart etc. On the latter I actually think he has a point. I'm not great with self-control, especially if I feel attacked, and I said some nasty stuff too, like that I never promised him anything (which is technically true), that he ruined any chance of still salvaging the weekend, that he was envious if I had fun with other people, and how I never wanted to be in a relationship in the first place but he convinced me. I said he was holding me hostage, sucked the joy out of of things, and that I never should have let him do that in the first place. Upon with I walked out, he yelled something after me I didn't quite catch folled with "Bye then". I stopped for a second, by the door, but then left without saying anything. I went on the pass time with some of the people there that were still nice to me.

I swear, if I write it like this we sound like awful, petty people. But, we're usually not like this it all. We're calm, rational people who rarely fight at all. I think we had under 15 fights for all the duration of the relationship which has been several years. Emotions were high, and we were really miserable, but I do believe there was actually some general malcontentment on his side, suggesting he might have been unhappy for a longer time.

I agree I've been a shitty girlfriend. I've been mostly jobless for over a year save for a few temp jobs and freelance work) and have been increasingly more down with life. It's really hard for me to muster any empathy at all when I feel like shit all the time.

But anyway, as we drove back fro the weekend he barely said a word and was quietly crying for a part of the trip. He looked like he was a puppy that someone had kicked. I have never seen him like that, and frankly I half expected him to break up with me then and there. We spent most of the 3+ hour journey in awkward silence. I did try to talk to him; he said he wasn't angry at me, that he was just unhappy the weekend sucked so badly, but I'm not sure. I called him today, and we shared some basic info about our day, then decided hang up after we were silent for over a minute and realized we had nothing to say.

F'S, I feel like something might have broken permanently, I don't know how to fix it, if it even can be fixed, and if I should even try. I imagined growing old with this guy, though. It just feels so stupid and surreal.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

Stick it out, but talk. Tell him everything you've said here. Get it in the open. And try to do something different. Even if it's a small thing, it's the effort that counts. It sounds like you two have just been having a shitty time for a while. But if you've been with him for years (assuming they've been happy years) and you imagined growing old with him, breaking up over a fight like that would be a crying shame. Almost all couples get into incredibly dumb or hurtful fights, but if you can see a future, don't throw in the towel until you've tried everything.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

Agree with the above. Also, if talking seems too difficult to explain, or keeps going into awkward silences, try writing everything down (by hand!) and give it to him to read. That way, you can tell him everything you want, without it getting muddled up in lingering hurt or emotional reactions. And it gives him a less-charged way to "hear" it and process it.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

*hugs* if you want them

First, let me say I can relate to having been convinced to being in a relationship, sometimes feeling a bit o a hostage and like my partner is jealous o fun with other people. Having said that, that experience combined with the things he said to you, it seems like he doesn't feel like you value and want the relationship as much as he does. so if you decide you want to stay with him, you might want to work on showing him that's not true? Also, let him know you're in a shitty period and that's sometimes spilling into how you treat the relationship.

Anyway, though my advice probably doesn't help, best o luck.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

Okay, so I was giving the short version, but since you mentioned it I'm going to elaborate a bit.

We got together soon - perhaps too soon - after my ex broke up with me. I didn't want to, basically, because to put it crudely I was enjoying being single and wanted to fuck around and live it up a little. Hell, I wasn't ever sure I wanted a relationship in the first place. So I was like: I think you're cute, but I'm not gonna marry you, or have your babies, or play house with you, or make any promises in that regard.

And he was like: okay, let's give it a go. He was charming and sweet and I had the hots for him so I did. And suddenly we're six years down the line.

The thing is, though I love him, I still have very mixed feelings towards traditional relationships, and it even feel very alien to see myself a being part of one. So here's the core of the problem; I love him, but not necessarily the relationship.

I honestly thought he felt the same, but he said some things that might imply he's more jealous that I expected (which i itself scares me).

Anyway, I've mentioned the shitty period. Several times. But, he wasn't in my life the last time I was depressed and though he acknowledges what I say, I do not think he truly grasps what it means. *Sigh*

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

(same anon) OH. Now I relate even more. Reason I didn't want to be in a relationship is that I'm not into traditional, monogamous relationships. But I decided to give it a go. Years later, I realized I couldn't keep up with it, so we took a break and ended up opening the relationship. It's still our major struggling point though.

so I know how hard it is to see your future with someone whose relationship idea is foreign to you. Have you talked to him about it lately? Because doing it for him ends up making you resent it and that might be at the roots o your issues which the fight brought out and also his insecurity if he knows.

And about the second point, yeah, it's just really hard explaining it to people who haven't been depressed. Or even to some who have, but in a different way. I hope you can get out o this dark place, anon.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

I think, if you still want to be in this relationship, it's definitely worth trying to fix things. I think the first step involves saying something like this:

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry this weekend was so terrible, and I'm sorry for the things I did to contribute to that. I feel like things spiraled out of control between us on Sunday, and I know I said some awful things that I don't really mean. Part of it was because I was feeling terrible already, emotionally and physically, but that doesn't excuse the hurtful things I said. I'd like for us to talk about what happened, and then maybe we can try to make things up to each other. Most of all, I want you to know that I love you and that I'm sorry."

Then, hopefully, you'll be able to talk about what happened, and how you both felt, and if there are underlying problems that need to be worked out between you. Afterwards, the two of you should try to decide on an activity that you'll both enjoy doing together, to make up for the shitty weekend you both had.

If he doesn't want to talk right away, try to respect that, but let him know that you're concerned and you want to try to make things better, when he's ready to talk.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

I pretty much already said as much on the car trip. I believe him when he says he's not angry. He just looked so...defeated. I'll just have to see if communication goes back up, but I probably won't see him in person until on Valentine's, which sort of makes it extra painful/awkward.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[chardmonster]

escalating into saying I "led him on about making him believe I liked board games"

Dump his lousy dork ass. You do not need this nonsense in your life. I mean really.

He called me a promise breaker for not wanting to play,

IS HE TWELVE

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[littlestbirds]

legit.
Sorry OP.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

To be fair, neither of us a shining examples of mature adulthood, despite being old enough to be so.

Fair enough but...

[insanenoodlyguy]

You said some shit. Both of you. Some shit you can't take back. the biggest one being YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Now i assume you are telling the truth about that, that you didn't. So what changed? He pressured you into something, you accepted, but did you really come to enjoy it? Usually when you start doing something you don't want to do, that's poision for sure.

And you still dont' want to be in a relationship. Maybe you do care for him, but that's not enough, obviously not enough because you still feel that way. And now he knows it.

That's going to eat at him. It's been eating at you. this thing is done. Get out now as clean as you can for both your sakes.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[chardmonster]

Listen.

None of the shit you said has anything on a guy who's jealous when you hang out with people, accuses you of LEADING HIM ON about BOARD GAMES, and calls you a "PROMISE BREAKER."

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[herpymcderp]

CHARD. THAT ONE TIME WE PLAYED CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY YOU LEAD ME TO BELIEVE YOU LIKED CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY BUT WE NEVER PLAY IT.

How dare you play with my emotions like this.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

"He called me a promise breaker for not wanting to play..."

You should totally stop dating ten year olds, OP. Unless you yourself are ten, in which case keep dating ten year olds but dump this one for being immature even by the standards of a ten year old.

But seriously. If you want to salvage this relationship, communication is key. E-mail if you can't talk it out in person. That might actually help if you both have difficulties expressing yourselves or your points of view without getting derailed.

First, your BF seems like he's emotionally invested in you trying those board games. This... isn't rational. I don't know if he's interpreting a rejection of the board games as a rejection of himself, but if so, he should probably stop doing that because it doesn't make any goddamn sense. Second, you weren't even rejecting the board games. You said you'd play them with him, which REASONABLE adults understand is a general agreement, and not a hewn-in-stone promise with a sell-by date.

Your BF's mistake was 1) making an assumption about what you meant instead of simply asking you whether or not you wanted to try them THIS WEEKEND and 2) upon discovering the miscommunication, acts like you personally squatted and took a shit on the gaming board in front of him. "Led him on about making him believe I liked board games"? WTF? Like you're a board game cock tease or something? This also is highly irrational.

So yeah, definitely something else going on with your relationship that's manifesting in weird ways. The key is whether or not you can both talk about the actual issues rather than getting sidetracked with all these nonsensical red herrings. But if some of the things you said you were true-- does he suck all the joy out of life? Is he irrationally jealous when you have fun with people who aren't him?

Even if he doesn't ordinarily say nasty stuff about you in day to day conversation, if it comes out really easily in your (albeit rare) fights, guess what? It was there all along in some form or another.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

"definitely something else going on with your relationship that's manifesting in weird ways"

I think this might be the case, but don't know how to address it. No, normally he does not suck the joy out of me, he just did that weekend. Same with the jealous thing. He pretty much never showed signs of being jealous before, which makes it all the more weird.

All in all most things about the fight were atypical (except the fact that most our fights were over seemingly stupid shit like this, so I think they're generally a front for other discontentment).

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

I'm with the posters who have a hard time taking seriously a person who accuses you of having "led him on about making him believe [you] liked board games" and makes a major issue out of it. Perhaps you should also weigh whether you really feel the things you said in return--that he's envious if you have fun with anyone else, and that he somehow pestered you into entering a relationship with him. If so, it's worthwhile to ask whether this relationship is making you happy.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

I think the led on ting might be connected to the other thing he mentioned - that we're growing apart. I think he's noticing we have less common interests now than we first met and maybe this is his way of channeling it, I'm not sure.

Honestly he never really struck me as envious or jealous before...quite the opposite. Which is why it struck me with such surprise and I reacted so strongly to it. It was very out of character.

As for the relationship, it's complicated. Basically I like some individuals, but I have mixed feelings about relationships in general (he knows this fact). See also above comment to DA for ore elaboration.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[nyxelestia]

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have weathered some rough times together, and that this weekend was not some kind of regular occurrence or sign of serious underlying problems. It sounds more like you two have just been bottling some things up, and once you hit your low point(s), you both just snapped.

All the stuff you've just told us here? Tell him. Hell, send him a link to this very thread, let him see how you present this information to people outside the relationship - in essence, 'an external perspective'.

Also - I don't know what your living and interaction situations are like, but sometimes people need space from each other and that's okay. It doesn't mean they love each other less. Maybe spend some time apart and get to know who you are on your own, then come back together. If nothing else, time apart means that you should have some stuff to say (in terms of at least being able to tell each other what your time apart has been like, any self-discoveries, etc).

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

We live apart. I haven't seen him since Monday morning. I called him about 3 times, but conversation was strained and his answers very short. In all cases it was me trying to start a conversation but him not giving much in return. Honestly feel like if we call in a full break now that will be the end of it altogether

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

Fuck him. He sounds like an absolute dick. Get out now while you have a good reason, before he drags you back in. Guys don't understand exactly how much of ourselves we have to let go of to be held in a relationship with them.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

*Most guys.

Sorry. generalization. I'm trying to stop doing that. Most guys don't get it is what I meant to say.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

I'm in the territory of breaking up with him, if only because his arguments were super fucking manipulative and set off quite a few red flags, and because you say the two of you are drifting.

Especially after reading your response up top, with you explaining how you weren't ready for a relationship when you two started dating, that is stuff you two NEED to talk about or it will create too much resentment that can potentially ruin your lives in the long run.

Just make sure neither of you use this argument as ammunition in the future to prove a point or something; if he does so in the future, dump him.

If you want you can write into an advice columnist person I like to frequent, Captain Awkward (captainawkward.com). She deals with relationships a good 90% of the time, and gives pretty good advice.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

I'm seeing a lot of "dump the guy" etc in this thread in general, but there were definitely errors on both of your sides.

I can see why he was upset though. It sounds to me that it was supposed to be a weekend where the two of you were to do things together. But then you wanted to go do an activity with someone else, and I can totally see why he flipped his shit, especially if you has been sick and unable to do anything that weekend so far. It was to be time for the two of you to do things that you enjoyed, and with each other. Basically, it was akin to you guys going on vacation together and you ended up spending more time with someone else other than with him.

I'm not sure how you can fix it or if you can fix it, since some really nasty things were said. Communication is definitely the key, though. Good luck.

Re: FS, my bf and I got into a stupid argument, and I think I might have broken something I can't fi

[(Anonymous)]

No, the OP isn't blameless, but you're doing all kinds of mental gymnastics to excuse the boyfriend for behaving like a passive-aggressive brat.

It was supposed to be a weekend where the two of you were to do things together.

It wasn't "akin to going on vacation together"; they were participating in an event with a bunch of other people from an organization they belonged to, so both of them could be expected to interact with other people instead of being focused on each other all the time.

I can totally see why he flipped his shit, especially if you has been sick and unable to do anything that weekend so far.

Wait, if a friend is ill and unable to do anything fun, do you really think that is to be held against them and treated as a bargaining chip?--something like "You owe me some time now, because you didn't do anything with me while you were sick!" Because this is exactly how you sound right now.