[ SECRET POST #2939 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2939 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


__________________________________________________



02.


__________________________________________________



03.


__________________________________________________



04.


__________________________________________________



05.


__________________________________________________



06.


__________________________________________________



07.


__________________________________________________



08.


__________________________________________________



09.


__________________________________________________



10.













Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 036 secrets from Secret Submission Post #420.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

So, my sister called me and told me my neice was being bullied. She is 16 and overweight (she also dresses very gothy with odd makeup). I guess someone photoshopped her face onto a whale.

I have NO idea what to tell her. I don't want to be victim blame-y but I mentioned last time I saw her (last year) I did mention she might want to think about losing weight. She gained alot very quickly and doesn't seem to care.

So i want to offer her some advice without making her feel worse.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

Don't bring up your niece's weight to her.

My parents tried this with my sister and it made her depressed as hell and didn't help her lose weight. She lost well over 80 pounds once she got to college, however, after a few years.

The thing to do is to talk to your sister about food in the house. Stop buying cookies/sweets/super-fattening foods. Try to make healthy meals and make sure people don't snack in between. Make it a family endeavor and don't single the niece out.

From my experience, putting pressure on someone to lose weight only makes it worse. I imagine, now more than ever, she's aware that she's at an unhealthy weight and putting more pressure on her is only going to make her feel worse.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly....I don't think losing weight will keep her from being bullied. Kids will bully over anything and everything. It might mean she might not be bullied for her weight....but kids will find anything.

Although, I guess I would suggest getting a psychologist.

Also, I dunno if this is advice but...maybe just an offhand thought....I can't help wondering if her eating habits could possibly be tied to her being bullied, if she's been bullied for a long time before that. I'm just speaking from experience. I was bullied all throughout school (for different reasons, like being in special ed) and by my junior and senior years of high school I developed bingey eating patterns that grew into full on overeating.

SA

[(Anonymous)]

Also I agree with the person above me.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[othellia]

There's a difference between thinking someone's fat and photoshopping their head onto a whale.

If she was concerned about the former, then yeah. Weight loss is a valid suggestion. But the latter is just vile, and the blame does lie squarely with them.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

Teenagers physically lack empathy, so I'm not surprised at all by this behavior. Tie that with shitty parents letting their precious angels do whatever the hell they want and you get a bunch of assholes. Luckily most people grow out of it when they get to their mid twenties.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[herpymcderp]

If your sister hasn't already gone to the school about this problem, then it's time to.

Other than that, it's exceedingly difficult to do anything unless she happens to know the parents of the kids who are doing the bullying and those parents are the type of people who would care that their children are acting in that way. You can give all sorts of advice about how to deal with bullies, but it's usually such a complex and individual issue involving interpersonal dynamics and other external factors that there is no "one size fits all" strategy here.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

Ugh. If you don't want to make her feel worse, don't even talk about her damn weight. People whined at me for years to lose weight, just change how you eat, go get active and it'll drop right off. That's not the point, and I just wanted to tell them fuck you too. She'll lose it or not in her own time, and you and your sister bringing it up will always make her feel worse.

If she doesn't care, and she's happy besides the bullying don't harass her about it. It just feels like you're getting bullied by your family, too. If she's going goth and wearing "odd" makeup, it sounds like she's trying to convince everyone she doesn't give a rat's ass what people think of her appearance, WHILE trying to figure herself out.

If you want to help, or give your sister advice, get involved with what she likes. You don't have to listen to the same music, or anything, but maybe talk about the makeup? See what kind of look she's going for, and see if you can help her get there without it looking "odd," or at least more cleaned up and defined. Someone have weird, crazy makeup because it's all smeary and the lines aren't clean, or they can have crazy makeup very intentionally because that's the look they're going for, and the lines are clean and deliberate.

For the bullying part, first tell her to walk away and not engage. Then take it up with the VP or principal, whoever's responsible for the disciplinary stuff. That way she can say she's DONE that, already, and it didn't work, especially if they pursue her. Have her keep a record of everything they do, with dates, times, and deets. Keep that poster. There's going to be several people involved, but usually just one ring leader. If you can single that kid out (probably a girl, frankly) and take them to task, you can start to resolve the issue. And don't let them do any of that "Apologize, shake hands and be friends now" crap they try to get away with in school. The bully always lies, and the victim gets it worse later on. Tell them they are not allowed to interact with your niece outside school, or hell outside academic pursuits.

Is there a teacher she trusts? Or even one of the counselors? Tell her to talk to someone and stick to her guns. Especially if the kid's popular, or considered a "good" student, the adults are going to be wont to believe that person when they lie their faces off and say they haven't been doing anything. Tell her she can absolutely insist that these people did these things, whatever they might say.

She should either ignore them, or give them a lofty stare when they try to talk to her and put her down. My parents, when I was getting it bad, made up a whole list of insults in English and French (cause it was French class). I got the added bonus of the guy getting flustered cause he didn't understand me, and as soon as he said, "It doesn't count if I can't understand it," I knew I'd won. (He should have. They were all words we'd been using or learned from movies in class, combined perfectly correctly.) Turnabout isn't the most classy way to get back at them, but it's a great feeling, sometimes. ;)

If they go into someones office, tell your sister not to let them have the bullies in there with your niece. It never works. Too often the victim clams up, and the bullies run the show, swearing up and down they never meant any harm, they were just having a laugh, and it was just a joke.

It sounds like something that's been going on for a while. Have your niece's back. And seriously, get the fuck off about her weight. You're not going to help if you keep bringing that up.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly?

I think you're possibly the worst person to try and help her.

You're already incredibly judgmental of her -- her clothing choice, her "odd" make-up, bringing up her weight and assuming she doesn't care when you have no idea how she really feels -- that I think your attitude will only do more harm than good.

You've already made her feel worse. Time to step back and let someone else help her.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

+1

Your job is to be sympathetic to your niece, not to "fix" her.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[kallanda_lee]

Basically - the niece sounds a bit like me at that age, and that would have been the worst advice ever.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[caerbannog]

+3
OP you just don't sound supportive :/

Re: Advice in regards to bullying, here is a site she can go to

[(Anonymous)]

http://tiny.cc/afbv Have her print and read this message every single day.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

The good thing about online bullying is that you always have evidence of it. She needs to screencap every instance of online bullying, print it out and then present it to the school authorities and parents of the bullies as evidence of what these bullies are doing and saying.

When I was in school, nobody cared about bullying. But more recently, because of suicides and other tragedies related to bullying, schools are taking it a little more seriously.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Asked her if she wanted to talk. She said no. So I told her if she wanted to talk to me she can. She has a therapist so perhaps she will talk to her.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

Don't. Just based on what's here, you shouldn't be giving her advice about anything to do with her daughter. You don't sync well with the niece, and any sentence that start with "I don't want to be X but..." only ends in judgement. Or in this case victim blaming. It's not your niece's fault some bitches are bullying her, and were dumb enough to make print evidence of their abuse. That's really the only good thing to come out of this, is them making something tangible to use against them.

It's clear you already think she looks odd and needs to change things about herself to get rid of them, so don't even touch it.

Tell your sister to get help from the people resposible for running the discipline track at the school.

Troll?

[(Anonymous)]

Anyone?

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[lb_lee]

Not sure if you're serious, OP, but honestly, when I was getting shit from others, I would've loved most to just have someone I could TALK to about it. Not someone who tried to tell me what magic trick would solve the problem ("don't react; that encourages them!" "Fight back or they'll know you're a wuss!" "have you ever considered just not being a weirdo?"), not someone who came up with a magic solution that might actually be impossible to implement ("just go to the cops or any future incidents are your fault!"), just someone who would listen and comfort me.

Also, if I was getting bullied a lot, I probably wouldn't give much of a shit about my weight either. (Though I went the opposite direction.)

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

Ok, if you're serious, and you really wanna help, you shouldn't get involved. For one thing, too many cooks, for another... it doesn't sound like you and she resonate, and that subtle disconnect will not help.

Tell your sister to take the evidence into the office -- they listen to parents much more quickly than students because they want the parent OUT of their office. Tell her call it bullying, harassment, and slander. Tell her to use those words, because they are 100% accurate to the situation. They are key words, and don't let the admin she talks to quiet her down or convince her to change terms. If your sister uses those words, more likely than not, the district requires certain procedures be followed. Now, hopefully, they are current with the times and don't settle of hand holding nonsense that has been proven to not only not work but worsen the situation. But make sure the file gets started.

The parents of the other kids, depending how far it gets, might want to make amends as well, but don't take a simple sorry as acceptable. They're trying to sweep it away almost as fast as the admin.

Your niece needs to feel like someone is on her side, right now. Don't force her to talk, don't ask how it's going incessantly. Tell her you love her, and get her talking about something she likes. Sometimes that kind of distraction actually does help, and can rebuild some confidence.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

DO NOT mention her weight. Just don't.

She knows. Trust me, she knows, and she probably does care if they're bullying her about it. You do not need to remind her. I wouldn't be surprised at all if the bullying is actually making her gain more weight due to the stress and low-self esteem it causes.

Mentioning it will only make her feel worse.

It doesn't matter how fat someone is, they don't deserve to be bullied.

(And honestly... it often doesn't matter whether someone's fat or skinny, bullies will pick ANYTHING, the smallest most inconsequential thing to hurt someone over.)

The usual advice applies: Tell adults. Tell the teachers, tell the school. If the teacher doesn't do anything, go higher up. And keep going higher up until someone DOES do something and acts like a competent adult.

I wouldn't necessarily tell her to ignore the bullying, though. But it can be good to try to avoid the bullies in the meantime.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[saku]

overweight or not, your niece does not deserve to be bullied like that. if your only advice is to tell her to lose weight then you are failing her

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

Addressing the weight issue is a tough one. First of all, I'd urge your sister not to bring it up as if your niece doesn't realize she's fat. Believe me, she knows. Unless she's particularly sheltered or ignorant, she also knows about diet and exercise and avoiding junk food because I have yet to meet a single overweight person who doesn't know about these things, myself included.

But... rapid unexplained weight gain is a health issue. People generally don't just pack on 50 lbs. for no reason, and finding out that reason is key whether it's a hormonal issue or a psychological reaction to trauma or what.

I think I'd ask the niece what she wants to do about it. Stress that you love her and she's a worthy person no matter what her weight is, but if she'd like some help with that, the whole family will get behind her. EVERYONE diets and exercises, not just her. She's already an outcast at school, so making her an outcast at home who needs "special food" or is restricted from sweets the rest of the family is free to indulge in is extremely demoralizing and will only make the problem worse. I'd take up the issue with the school and ask what their policy on bullying is and how they enforce it.

I'd also explain that teenagers can be horrible little shits lacking in empathy, and that empathy is something most people learn... but not all. It's not about her, it's about them. Your niece needs your sympathy and compassion more than she needs your judgment, even if seems like common sense ("just lose some weight and people will stop picking on you!") to you. I remember what it was like to be her age, when everyone felt so alien and hard to understand. Be there for her, she'll need it.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[caerbannog]

She knows about her weight. Nagging her about it won't help.

Try talking with her. Compliment her on stuff. Help her feel noticed and worthwhile. If she mentions the bullies directly - instead of focussing on how she's overweight, talk about how the behaviours of the bullies is not cool. That it's rude, disrespectful and they are purposely being dicks.

Are there things she likes? Buy her more goth make up? Be supportive?

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

Be outraged on your niece's behalf. Tell and show her that what those bullies did was not right at all, and that you are on her side without question. What you should not do is bring her weight up. Seriously, it is a little like victim-blaming, linking her weight to what happened to her. She shouldn't change, her bullies should.

Re: Advice in regards to bullying

[(Anonymous)]

Don't give "helpful" advice on losing weight. Just don't. She already knows she's fat. Trust me, it is physically impossible to be overweight in this culture and not have some concern troll "helpfully" point it out to you.

Losing weight is not some easy fix, if it was easy (or even merely difficult) a lot of people would have done it. Only 5% of people ever manage significant and sustained weight loss, and most people just yo-yo diet their way into health problems and possibly eating disorders.