[ SECRET POST #2008 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2008 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 088 secrets from Secret Submission Post #287.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Can I use this secret to ask a question? What is an appropriate, not-annoying attitude for a teenager to have about relationships?
I'm 16, I like this guy that I've been friends with for two years, and I know very well that if we were to date, we wouldn't last 4evah, obviously. However, if I admit that yeah, I just want to date to have fun and not be too serious and boys are pretty and sometimes good company, than I get called shallow and slutty, but if I say that I want to date him because I'm in love with him and I want to be together forever, I get called unrealistic and annoying. Should teenagers just not date? I'm not trying to be obnoxious or cheeky or whatever, I'd just honestly like to know, because most people on here are older and more experienced than me and seem to have opinions on this stuff.

[(Anonymous)]

Should teenagers just not date?
That would be ideal, yes.
Jokes aside, you don't need to actually tell anyone why you're dating him. As long as you're having a good time, that's all that should matter.

[the_glow_worm]

Gurl, there is nothing wrong with dating for either reason. Date him because he's cute and then stay with him forever, or date him because you want to marry him and dump him the next day. Whatever you want, honestly. Don't you worry what some older people have to say on the matter.

[rhosyn_du]

This exactly. If you want to date someone, the only people whose business that is would be you and the person you want to date. And it's totally fine for your reasons to change over time, too. There is no One Right Way to date, regardless of your age.

[(Anonymous)]

there's no universally-accepted 'appropriate non-annoying attitude' on dating. you'll get judged by people no matter what you do, because some people have too many opinions that they can't keep to themselves. people also think it's their place to judge other people's decisions when really, they have no idea the full story.

if i were you, i'd do whatever the fuck you want. if you want to date someone, go for it. if you don't, don't. and if someone asks you why you want to date someone, just tell them "because i want to." it's not their business.

[anonymouslyyours]

Teenagers should totally date. I bought into that whole maturity thing and didn't date. Here I am at twenty-one with no idea how to act on a date or in a normal relationship. You have to cut your teeth and learn how to be in a relationship and get all the learning experiences out of the way while you're still young enough for it to be understandable and not completely frustrating for someone who already went through their high school drama. Whether or not you guys end up together forever it's a win-win.

[fadeinthewash]

I absolutely second this.

[bored_bitch]

I think it's kind of frivolous to date casually,
but do what you want.
People will always have something to criticize, and the sooner you learn to filter the junk crit from that which would actually help you, the better off you'll be.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't have much advice except to do what ~feels right. When I was a teenager and no longer able to talk myself out of the futility of relationships (and I knew it wasn't futile, it's a learning experience to date when you're younger and all that, but knowing that didn't make me able to forget my cynicism enough to feel very in love with anybody), I didn't date for years, and when I did end up with somebody it was because of a very sudden realization that I was already in love with one of my best friends. For the record I'm almost 26 and still with that best friend, so if anybody at that point would have actually been saying I was stupid and unrealistic they would have been proven a bit wrong. And if I'd chosen instead to casually enjoy sex anyone who'd called me a slut for it would not have been my friend.

Same Anon

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks for the advice :) (and your story is really cute.)

Same Anon

[(Anonymous)]

okay, you're all saying to do what feels right and follow my heart and stuff... but wouldn't that potentially lead to the annoying teenager-who-thinks-they're-in-love trope that you all seem to loathe? I'm sorry, I'm really not trying to be difficult and I'm not being deliberately obtuse, I just really want to understand.

Re: Same Anon

[(Anonymous)]

There's nothing to ~understand~. If you're prone to act annoying about it, you probably will. If you aren't, you won't. And stop giving fucks about what tropes other people like or not.

Re: Same Anon

[(Anonymous)]

okay. I think it's a little odd to go online and rant about a behavior and then get annoyed when people try to change that behavior, but I'm bad at understanding these things anyway.

Re: Same Anon

[anonymouslyyours]

I think the annoyance comes from overbearingly smug teenagers who are all "I know everything about everything and I do what I want" and doesn't acknowledge a family member or friend's legitimate concern about their relationship because they're so in love. You definitely don't seem to have that problem.

And now I realize you probably meant the trope of this secret. That's more a frustration at poor writing. Most high school couples don't end up together forever and when they do it's usually a lot more choppy and it's boring to see them continually portrayed as having no relationship problems and just coasting to a happy ending.

Re: Same Anon

[(Anonymous)]

The thing is, there's a difference between portraying teenager-who-thinks-they're-in-love as True Love That Lasts Forever and Ever, and just teenagers being teenagers and honestly thinking it'll last forever and then realizing no, most people grow out of that and teen romances are just that - teen romances.

I think the problem people have with the trope is not teenagers being in love, but works portraying that as True Love and an Endgame. Make sense? It's late here and I ramble.

Re: Same Anon

[rhosyn_du]

Finding something annoying in fiction is not the same thing as thinking it's bad for real people to do it. Most teenagers are going to think they're zomg-in-love-forever-and-ever at least once. And you know what? That's okay. Like overactive sebaceous glands and a nearly insatiable appetite, it's one of those really common teenage things.

And the reason that a lot of people find it annoying in fiction is not that the teenage characters believe they will be together forever, but that the narrative also indicates that they actually will be together forever. The problem (for me, at least) is that ficional narratives set up these unrealistic expectations about everyone finding their soulmate at 16, which is both frustrating as an adult reader (because I have a hard time suspending my disbelief and it throws me out of the story) and as someone who has seen how seriously taking that message to heart can fuck up some young adults' expectations about love, romance, and relationships.

Re: Same Anon

[unicornherds]

The sad truth is people are going to judge you harshly no matter which way you go. Not everyone, but people. Girls are either sluts or virgins and neither is good. You're either hysterical/overly emotional or a cold bitch. So really what you should focus on is learning to not give a fuck about some people and cherish the support of others and find out what exactly you care about and believe.

Re: Same Anon

[(Anonymous)]

Don't give a shit what people on the Internet think and I think it's as unhealthy to go into every relationship with the believe it's gonna last forever and you'll be perfect as it is to be in love but be sure beforehand that you're not gonna last anyway.

If you'll last, you'll last if not, you won't. You can't predict the future so you shouldn't worry about it and just go for it.

But be sure to tell the guy the truth about what you (don't) feel for him, stringing someone along is not nice.

Re: Same Anon

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, but you *are* a teenager. You're allowed to feel what you feel and think what you think, and that's fine. The whole point of dating is that you don't know how it'll end or not-end.

It's not annoying for you specifically to be more in love/obsessed with the person you're dating than anyone ever before - it's part of growing up and you figuring out who you are. It's not even annoying for fictional teenagers to think that their relationships are going to last forever.

It's annoying when all the teenage relationships do work out and they all live happily ever after, because that's a little weird and though some people do stay with the same person forever, most people don't. It's not you/the characters that are annoying at all, just the author, because at 40-odd year old single parent with a divorce behind you, pairing up all your characters and keeping them in the same relationship as they were in at 17 seems like wild wish fulfilment.

[biohazardgirl]

Just date him! When you're young, dating is supposed to be fun! I was pretty sure when I dated my last boyfriend (I'm nineteen, nearly twenty), that it wasn't going to last forever, and he was pretty sure of it too. But it was totally ok because I still feel like I benefited from dating him! It made me feel confident and pretty and it was nice to have someone to snuggle and share ideas with.

Plus, if you've dated before then you're experienced and you won't make so many mistakes on other dates (like a date with the person you end up marrying!) Have a good time! Don't listen to anyone who calls you shallow/slutty. They're painful words, but after you graduate you won't ever see most of those people again anyway.

[cassandraoftroy]

Date a guy because you like him, and because you want to see where it goes. The unfortunate reality is that, if you're a girl, people are going to judge you for your choices -- there is actually no win-option here, with some people. Women get slotted into narrow behavior stereotypes (clingy, over-committed girl vs. dirty slut) with no middle ground between, so don't waste your time trying to find a middle ground that doesn't exist. Do what's right for you, what's going to make you healthy and happy, date who you want to when you want to for the reasons you want to, and anyone who tries to force you into a stereotyped box can go hang.

[(Anonymous)]

People will criticize you no matter what because that's how many people are. Complaining is a very commonplace occurrence.

The best thing you can do is listen to the criticism and compare them to your behavior to see if they match and whether they have a point or not, but don't let them get under your skin.

Easier said than done, of course, but best to strike a balance.

Same Anon

[(Anonymous)]

Alright, I guess. It's just confusing for me as to why someone would complain about a behavior but not offer an alternative to someone who honestly wants advice. I know people complain about things, but this whole "let's complain about something on the internet and get upset when people actually care about our opinion" thing doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me. I guess it's cause people don't often take my opinions seriously at all, so I can't imagine how having people listen to your opinions and care what you think would be bad things.

[thene]

you know what? Whatever you choose to do, no one's going to judge him. So fuck it.

^that was semi-serious advice; whatever you do, you'll get sexism up the face for it, so imo you should just date and have fun. Who you 'admit' it to is up to you, although I'd urge you to be honest to the guy and not offer forevahs. That would get obnoxious for everyone involved.