[ SECRET POST #2820 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2820 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 045 secrets from Secret Submission Post #403.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

Today my friend found out that her tuition for this term is going to be $600 more than she thought, so she's decided that she's not going to go to any conventions this school year, none at all.

I just feel kind of hurt by this, because we had a partner cosplay planned, and the con we were thinking about going to is next April, plus it's with our school group, which cuts costs a lot, but she's already made her mind up, and decided that she doesn't think she can come up with the money in seven months.

If she was paying for rent/college, I could understand, but her mother is paying rent, and she has a savings account with a shit ton of money that she's using to pay for her classes, and is only for classes/college. On top of that, she does have a job, but she says that she only gets 7 hours/week, unless she takes night hours, and she refuses to ever take out any loans, something I can understand, even as I think she's being unrealistic.

I just. I feel really hurt, because we've been planning this cosplay for months, and there's still seven months until the con, and she's already given up. It just feels like it's not important to her, and it wasn't important to her, and by extension, it feels like I was never important to her.

I know it's dumb, but the speed with which she just stopped caring makes me wonder if she ever cared about what we did as a group, or if she was just humoring me. If it was a tentative "I don't think I can do this" that'd be one thing, but it's "nope, nevermind, even though there's SEVEN MONTH's to try and raise the money, I'm not even going to bother trying. At all."

I don't know, I just feel so hurt that she dropped it so fast, when it had been something we've been planning for months, and we still have a lot of time to get the money together. Plus, since it's a school club, fundraising is an option too!

Sorry, this just came up this morning, and I've been feeling really dumb about it all day, and I needed to talk to someone about it.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

I understand your hurt, but I think you need to understand that this can't have been an easy decision. I was actually in a similar situation - no loans through college, I worked, lived at home, etc. - and yeah, I watched my money and had to pick what "fun" things I did. After all, I wanted to save money for things. I almost didn't go on a dream trip because it was too much! (I changed my mind at the last minute - maybe your friend will, too.) It may be that the cosplay isn't as high a priority as other things - not that she doesn't really want it, but there's other important things as well.

Can you guys cosplay at a more affordable venue? Would that be a compromise? I know nothing about cosplaying and very little about fan conventions so I'm not too much help there.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

SA - *why you're. Gah.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

Maybe. It just makes me sad because she's saved and gone to cons with other people before, but as soon as it comes to this one with me, she's like "nope". If she was paying for rent or actually paying for college, that would be one thing, but she's not paying for rent, and she has a fund for college, so none of her paycheck has to go to rent/school, and she's even dismissed the most affordable one because she just doesn't want to go to any cons now.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[iceyred]

How dare she prioritize her education and staying out of debt over cosplay? Doesn't she realize how important dressing up as a fictional character is? What is she thinking?

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

If her reasoning was that she is afraid of going into debt for this con, I swear I wouldn't bring it up, but her reasoning is that there's no reason to even try to save up money for it. It's not like we're both jobless, we're both employed, and she doesn't actually have to pay for either her rent or college out of her paycheck; her family is paying for those things.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

To some people $600 is a lot of money and can really change how they budget and live their life. And it can effect not only right now, but yes even seven months from now. I think your friend sounds like she's making a really solid adult logical decision to her issues, and you're being kind of a selfish person to push her on this and make it a big deal. I know if it were me I'd feel pretty shitty having to tell someone about my money issues and explaining why I couldn't go to a super fun event only to have them continuously push and bring it up.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

Education > Cosplay.

And I expect she understands more about her finances than you do.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[nayance]

I've been on both sides of a version of this situation, and they both suck.

My best guess would be that it's a gut reaction. She found this out and panicked, and hasn't yet had a chance to think about it rationally. Give it a few days and then try talking to her again.

Ask what the deciding factors were, and ask whether she's considered all her options. Lay her options out for her, too. Break it down so she can see how much she'd need to save and how much extra work she'd have to do; if she saves about $25 a week, it would cover the $600 - not including extra help she might get.

Be supportive of whatever she decides to do, and let her know that if she does decide to give it a shot you will support her in handling the extra financial pressure. Hell, offer to help her out by donating a bit on Christmas/her birthday/whatever.

Like I said, I've been in situations like this before, and the scariest thing was feeling that I was doing it by myself. Yeah, it's not really a situation that you can do much more than offer emotional support in, but having someone to root for you does help. I ended up not giving up, and a huge reason for that was because I had people rooting for me and helping me with logistics of what I needed to do, and helping me break down this Big, Impossible Task into a manageable level.

tl;dr - it might very well be a panic response, and talking it over rationally could help her see that it's not an impossibility.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

Your friend is being financially responsible, that's all.

Yes, maybe there are ways to raise that money in that time, but for that she would need to invest time she needs for other stuff, like studying or even spending time with friends like you.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

You should be feeling dumb, because you're being a brat. So your friend is going to school and working too, is trying to get her education without taking out loans, and has just discovered that she's going to have an additional $600 worth of expenses this term (and who knows what else in the spring). Giving up on one pricey activity is a sensible course for her to take.

Sure, maybe she could scrape together the extra funds in 7 months, but maybe she's decided that she doesn't need the extra worry on top of her classwork and whatever other activities she's involved in. Maybe she could dip deeper into her savings, but maybe she feels those funds should be reserved for, you know, actual needs, rather than fun stuff. And maybe she also feels that the time and energy you expect her to invest in your cosplay could be better expended on school.

People give up things they've been planning for months: that's just life. I'm sure it's a disappointment, but she gave you seven months' notice, and it's not like you can't do other fandom things together. It's ridiculous to extrapolate from "she gave up too easily on this thing that I thought was important to her" to "I thought I was important to her, but I guess I'm not." Let me guess: you're pouting and being all passive-aggressive! Try to bear the disappointment gracefully, or she actually may dump you.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

Let it go for now. Her situation might improve and she could change her mind. Remember that there might be more going on her life that you don't know about.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[mekkio]

If you are so hurt, surprise her and pay her way. Room, travel and tickets. Buy a cooler and stock up on food. All she has bring is spending money for trinkets. Surprise her with it.

If you don't want to do this because you think it's too expensive, how do you think she feels with the new tuition cost hike on top of it?

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

I think people are being a little harsh to you, because you're clearly speaking from a place of fresh disappointment. Take a few days and to try to distance yourself from the news, and then see how you feel about the situation. That's the best advice, in my opinion, for immediately reacting to a sharp disappointment.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[a_potato]

The first thing you need to understand is this: it's not about you. The fact that she thinks that she can't do this doesn't mean that you are not important to her. It only means that, as regards her current financial state, she believes that she can't afford to do this with you.

I am an extremely savings-oriented person. This comes, in part, from the fact that I had to watch my mother spend her way into bankruptcy and drag family members down with her (she took out credit cards in the names of relatives. I was one of those relatives). It is very, very difficult for me to react calmly when confronted with situations where I might have to spend more than I expected or where I might not be able to keep as much money as I would like. $600 would be a huge deal to me, and the knowledge that my parents were helping me would not assuage my panic, as I would feel beholden to them. I can't say for certain that your friend might be experiencing something similar, but it's entirely possible that she is. Even if she isn't experiencing something like that, she is prioritizing a need over a want, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Realistically speaking, it's possible that your friend can afford the con. It's possible that she might realize this some months down the road. But it's also possible that, despite what you think you know about her financial situation, she really can't afford the con. Either way, it's got nothing to do with how she feels about you.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

If you don't mind me saying this - and I'm really not being sarcastic - is this possibly about something else? Are you worried you're drifting or that your interests are becoming different or something? Reading the comments you seem to be concerned that she specifically decided not to do the con with you. Is there any chance that's part of the problem? And if there is any chance that's really what this is about, don't feel bad, but you might want to look at this from a different angle.

Here is some perspective, op!

[chardmonster]

SCHOOL IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN PRETENDING TO BE ANIME CHARACTERS WITH YOU

SHE SHOULD NOT TAKE OUT LOANS SO SHE CAN AFFORD GEEKY VACATIONS

IN THE NEXT SEVEN MONTHS PLEASE GET A LIFE

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

yeah, I think she used this as exuse.
If she really wanted to, she would find a way to go. This is a good opportunity for her to say no in a way that seems sensible and not personal. Because while this is a private anon venting post, I suspect you might show more of your expectations- and your disappointment- than you realize.

The thing is, that's ok. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, or didn't like talking about the cosplay. I visited a con with friends and didn't go a second time because I didn't get my money's worth of quality time with my friends, for example. I would rather go on a road trip with them.
Maybe they expect something similiar. Maybe they just feel nervous about rooming with other people, or a thousand other reasons.

What I think you should do (and what you probably intend to do) is to not show it, be supportive and get over it. Prove that she doesn't have to make an excuse next time if it is indeed an excuse.
Offer other opportunities to spend time with you and to cosplay together. Chances are she'll take you up on it.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

At least she was kind enough to tell you in advance, OP.

Here's the thing. It sounds like her budget is already tight. Yes she has school and rent paid for, but really, seven hours a week of pay isn't much for food and bills and other expenses. And what about unexpected expenses? You never know when something might come up out of the blue.

Just let it go. She's obviously at a comfort level of what she's willing to juggle for work and school and expenses, and it's kind of crappy for you to try and push her past that.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[lunabee34]

I think people are being a bit unnecessarily critical here, Nonnie. I don't think it's wrong of you to have hurt feelings. If we could prevent our feelings from being hurt or becoming annoyed or falling in love or anything else to do with our emotions, I imagine we'd all be a lot happier than we are now. I think venting about this situation, especially with it so freshly occurred is certainly no beyond the pale.

I do think other commenters make a good point that she's probably making a wise financial decision even if it doesn't feel necessary to you, and your comments indicate that while you're disappointed, you're not actually being an ass or behaving badly in return.

*hugs*

I hope you start to feel better about it or can surprise her with a ticket as someone else suggested.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[dimestoresaint]

OP, her decision isn't about you. Stop making it about you.

You have every right to be disappointed, but the fact that you keep bringing up her parents' money makes you sound like a real asshole. As other people have already said, just because her parents are paying some of her expenses doesn't mean she can feel free to spend her own money frivolously--if she's anything like me, she probably feels guilty spending any money at all on fun things while her parents are covering her necessities, and/or is taking the opportunity to save as much as she can for the inevitable rainy day when they'll no longer be supporting her.

At any rate, it's fine to be disappointed that this thing you were excited for isn't happening, but it is not fine (and is, in fact, incredibly shitty and selfish) to treat your friend's finances as a personal insult to you.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[riddian]

It's natural to feel a little hurt, but keep in mind that she's probably feeling a little hurt about it too. And she's making the grown-up decision, using her savings account for just school and not doing fun stuff. Seven hours a week is not going to add up to very much, even over seven months.

Sulk a little bit, to yourself, and then get over it and try engaging her in some kind of non-money-costing activity. She'll probably be happy to do something with you if it's free.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

If she can't afford it, she can't afford it. It's not all about you.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

People are being harsh on you, OP. You have every right to feel sad and disappointed, it's only human. And at least you're venting here instead of sulking at your friend...

I wonder if there's more going on in your friend's life than you realize. How close is she to graduation? Will the college fund cover all of it? Will she have to spend a semester scraping by, or dropping out to save cash and then coming back? Is she going to have to worry about finding a full-time job in her field at around the time the con is happening? Is she maybe feeling guilty about relying so heavily on a fund and her parents' generosity?

As a couple people mentioned, she might be in panic mode. She might change her mind in a month or two. Or she might not. My perspectives are a little extreme as I've just finished with a pretty serious doomsday budget, but being financially independent, not relying on parents or friends or credit card companies or whatever, feels SO good. She might just need a year of austerity. Or, she might have a few months of no-spending-ever and decide that she needs to reward herself (aka go to the con in April).

I also think the anon's suggestion to pay your friend's way is a good one. But if she's feeling like she needs to be financially independent, she might completely reject it. If she does, it has nothing to do with you. If you're worried about you guys drifting apart (which I get the feeling you are), you need to talk it out and not get money decisions tangled up in friendship decisions.

Re: I just need some perspectives

[(Anonymous)]

It's normal to be hurt and disappointed, but... you can't make someone care about something more than they do. Being adequately dedicated to cosplay isn't something they owe you or anyone, and yes, maybe they did decide that it isn't so important to them and they're using the tuition as an excuse.

But even so, you cannot put yourself in a position where you think people ought to spend more money on a hobby than they're willing to spend. No, not even if you know all about their income and expenditures, because 1) there are things you may not know about her financial situation since people tend not to be as open about being broke and 2) you just don't get to decide how other people spend their money and what they "should" buy.

So yeah. You're right that your friend has let you down. You're right to say that if she wanted, seven months is a lot of time to raise $600. You're right to be frustrated and upset that the plans you were looking forward to have fallen through. But if she's not a good enough friend to talk about this with her honestly (without accusing, guilt tripping or demanding she justify her decision to you), then she's probably not a good enough friend to keep.

You've got seven months advance notice to figure out a new cosplay plan. Good luck, anon.