fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3767 ]

Official advertise your fandom-related event thread.

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If you missed it, yesterday was the Stargate SG-1 edition of the Fandom Secrets Secret Spotlight.

http://fandomsecrets.dreamwidth.org/1603794.html?thread=957183698#cmt957183698

DS9 attempts some cross-promotion with TNG (and, apparently, the in-development Voyager). The results? Not very good so far.

http://tv-366.blogspot.com/2017/04/day-39-ds9-maquis-part-1.html

Official clickables thread.

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General comments:

(If the thread contains spoilery/triggery content please post as 2nd comment so it collapses!)

Not literally, but as an unmarried woman, I feel like I've heard so many women claim that they love being married, then mention how they used to have more freedom before they got married. (Not necessarily that they had kids kids, just that they got married.)

Is there any credence to this that isn't alarmingly Stepford? Because while I can see it being true in the sense that you have to compromise more, why stop living? Why can't you still see your friends outside of formal/couples-only events? Am I missing something?

The people who complain about this are either in a shitty relationship or have personal problems they need to deal with.

The thing is the people who complain are the only people you are likely to notice.

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-27 23:13 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-27 23:14 (UTC) - Expand

I've been married awhile (20+ years). And when one is married, one can't always jump up and go do something on a moment's notice, one has a partner to consider. You CAN actually see your friends outside of a couples-only setting, but single folk do tend to stick together and married folk tend to do the same, and married folk with kids do it too. You in no way "stop living" (and really, if you don't feel that marriage is for you then you shouldn't get married, but please don't imply that life stops when you do, lmao....You sound like people who love to tell childless folk how empty and bereft of "real love" their lives are because they don't have kids). Bottom line is, marriage is what you make of it. You can still do all the stuff you did when you were single (with one or two exceptions unless you've got an open marriage). It's just that you're with another person now who is your spouse, and that person needs to be considered.

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

soldatsasha - 2017-04-27 23:27 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-27 23:39 (UTC) - Expand

I think as soon as you tie that much of your life to so!one else, you can't help lose some freedom. If you are still as free as you were before marriage you've lost nothing but you've gained nothing. Freedom, as always, is on one side of the see-saw with security. The more freedom you have the less security and vice versa. Marriage is partly about love but also about the security of having someone who HAS to be their to help with the rough times. You each lose the freedom to say ”Fuck it, this isn't my problem" But you gain a commuted ally for your problems. Male of female marriage is a trade of freedom for security.

Women who say this are either being overdramatic, joking, or they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Marriage is not actually a ball and chain to your spouse. I have known people who act like this in their marriage (only going out as a couple in particular), and they're all either divorced or fast heading in that direction. Not because they want to spend time together, but denying yourself independence and space away from your spouse is just a recipe for resentment. Or it's seriously co-dependent.

There are things that change, of course. In some ways it's *completely* different. But different is not over/ended/done. I just have someone in my life that I consult on major decisions, particularly financial ones. It's a partnership that I chose to enter for the rest of my life, and recognizing that is important. I don't fly off to Mexico for a random weekend with friends without first talking with my SO. We often do things together with other couples, even ones that used to be single friends from our own single days. But both of us have activities and friends that we will do on our own on a semi-regular basis. Less frequently than when I was younger, yes, but I think that mostly has to do with the fact that my life in general is busier, and I do want to spend time with my SO too.

Well, yeah, you have more freedom before getting married and/or cohabiting because you've arranged your schedules to match each other and changing one can sometimes affect the other.

I don't get how that's Stepford.

I loved having a dog, but I totally had more freedom before I had one, too, because having a dog came with responsibilities. Pretty sure the dog wasn't brainwashing me.

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-28 00:15 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-28 00:50 (UTC) - Expand

I've been married 10+ years and while I personally don't feel like I've sacrificed my freedom for marriage, I can sort of understand how others might feel that way. It's not as simple being in a "shitty relationship", it's... complicated. For starters, marriage usually brings with it a fresh set of responsibilities and that takes some getting used to. It also means that when you're at home, your alone time is significantly diminished. You're sharing your personal space now, and even in the context of a good relationship people don't always know how to negotiate their own personal space/time separate from their partner. It's not something you're taught and everyone's needs are different. Finding time to see friends as an individual (as opposed to half of a couple) can be tricky because you're still figuring out how to be a couple so you're juggling two things at once.

Then there's this:

http://www.metafilter.com/151267/Wheres-My-Cut-On-Unpaid-Emotional-Labor

In marriages, women often end up taking on a greater percentage of emotional labor without even realizing it or intending to. People take it for granted that you will, so many women fall into these patterns and it becomes the new normal. It's work that's unpaid and unrecognized, and calling attention to it often puzzles the people around you, like... what did you expect? This is what women are supposed to do.

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-27 23:46 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-28 00:13 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-28 00:16 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-28 00:25 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-28 00:55 (UTC) - Expand

Re: "After marriage, my life ended!"

(Anonymous) - 2017-04-28 04:30 (UTC) - Expand

Help. I'm trying to write a fic about character who lives in Glasgow, Scotland, in the early-mid 1990s, it is canon that they live in or near the city's center and has garaged parking and an apartment with a courtyard (they keep chickens in it, in defiance of the city council orders), and I've been trying find out a likely candidate for where they would live. The only clues are that it is "above Sauchiehall Street" and within walking distance of the Barrowland market. I've tried hitting Google maps and Google Earth, but Glasgow has changed a huge amount since the 1990s with a lot of redevelopment and new buildings, so they are not much use. Even the aerial timeline shots only go back to 2002.

Can anybody help me on this, please? I know this is insanely specific as an ask, so thanks in advance if you can help.