[ SECRET POST #2450 ]

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⌈ Secret Post #2450 ⌋

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 031 secrets from Secret Submission Post #350.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
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Comments

I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

We just moved and I'm looking for a job. We've been in this place for like three or four months, My parents really want me to get a job.

They are on me to apply to places everyday and if I don't apply i"m not trying. IT's like they won't be happy until I've applied everywhere twice.They say that backing off won't do anything and I won't actively look for a job ever. They keep talking about how I want to just live off them forever. If I take one day as break it's awful and horrible.

I'm told constantly that my 'whole life' is free time and 'the last four years has been a break for me' They will never stop seeing me as a 'slacker' even though I'm stuck in the house because they don't want to waste money sending me off to college. They don't want to "put others at risk' letting me drive.

I don't know what to do. I can't leave because I have medication I live off of. I keep hoping it's going to get better and telling myself they love me and don't want to hurt me. Escaping to a relative is not an option. I don't want to get them in trouble with anyone. I just want to be able to breath.

I actually filled out an application today and I still got a lecture and told I have to fill out more. I love them. I don't know what to do. I'm told i'm the one at fault but I don't see how I can do better.

I'm always remind to "be an adult" . I'm pretty convinced that my snacking at night has to do with my misery rather than just "being a pig". I know it may sound like i'm trolling but I just needed to vent ...again

Then I think I'll look up mental hospitals in my area. Because at this point that seems like a better option than here.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[bringreligiontothewamwams]

Have you tried just bucking your ideas up and doing what you are told? It seems like you just need to grow up, your parents are right. You aren't being hard done by, and you are being melodramatic. "Oh god, its so hard having to get a job jaysus I'll be going mad now and checking myself to the looney bin", give us (and your parents) a break here. Filling out application forms is hardly onerous, they take a half hour tops. Fill out three or four and it still isn't a day's work. Fact of life these days is you need to apply to hundreds of places to get a job, and you need to keep applying every month and sometimes every week to places you've already applied to.

You just need to learn what hard work is. Get a grip.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

go away

stop being the shittiest troll ever

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

Well, if you're an adult, you probably should get a job, and be self-motivated to do that. AS for college, it's not always feasible for parents to pay, but if you research, maybe there are financial aid options available to you? Or loans?

Not that they should be guilting you, of course. But yeah. If you're not a kid, it's up to you to get your life together, and working is a huge part of that.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

I know and I'm looking. I've applied to twenty places, a few places multiple times.

I just don't like being rushed.

I don't like doing what they say and then "okay now do it more /better" and getting a lecture about how irresponsible I am even when I do what hey want. They also kept trying to talk me out of learning to drive until recently and telling me there was no hope. Then complaining about how selfish I am when I want to go somewhere.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[saku]

it doesn't sound like they are being any harder on you than a lot of parents, mine included, but if they aren't taking your mental health into consideration then that's a problem. you should do what you feel is best for you. it seems like (and i would hope so) that your parents have your best interests at heart, more on principle than anything else, but sometimes parents are wrong.

i think it's natural for parents to want their kids to be employed if you're living with them and are a certain age. i'm sorry to hear that the effort you're putting into job searching isn't satisfying them. i can understand this from their perspective too, but at the same time it appears you are not in a good emotional/mental place, and putting that kind of pressure or stress on somebody in such a situation is unhealthy. your health should be your number one concern.

so if you feel like you need help, i think you should follow through with looking up a facility that can better accommodate you until you are feeling fit enough to go back home. their actions seem - from an outside POV - entirely justified, but only if you are stable. if you aren't then you need to take care of yourself, even if that means getting away from them for awhile so you have time and space to heal.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

sounds a lot more like OP is making excuses, tbh. Hiding away from the world to "heal" and avoiding real life responsibilities is NEVER a recommended treatment for the mentally ill - and I say this as someone who works in the mental health field. Having a mental illness or disability doesn't make you fragile and incapable, and hospitalization is NOT a "getaway" or resort, and they won't even admit you unless they have reason to believe that you pose a serious threat to yourself or others.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know, I think it's one thing to one your kid to get a job, it's another when you assume just filling out applications will get you one. If they're in the US, it is pretty hard to get work right now. Due to the shitty economy and the fact a lot of places are not hiring a lot of people, because they're going to get fees once the healthcare changes kick in, it's pretty hard to get a job.

There was a news article a week or so ago that said that a large chunk of people had actually given up looking, because it was almost impossible.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly if my kid was living at home, over 18, and not a student and not working, I'd probably call them a slacker and nag them to get a damn job, too. :-/

By your post, I'm shocked at the "my parents want me to get a job." Why don't YOU want to get a job? I think we've identified the problem right here.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

It's not that they want me to get a job.

It's that they expect me to get one NOWNOWNOW.

Also i get told when I feel buried in my emotions and ask to be sent to get help because I feel the urge to physically punish myself frequently due to OCD and just plain self hate. They think a job will solve my problems.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

Consider seeing a therapist.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[thene]

ugh that sucks. I always have the exact opposite perception - when I don't have a job or school situation settled, NOTHING is free time as I'm constantly either trying to fix the situation or procrastinating from trying to fix the situation. Just having a job is a relief. I've felt less stressed out working 60 hrs/week than unemployed.

Could you apply to college without their support? Are there any less costly training programs you could suggest to your parents rather than college? You could look at online courses, maybe - they're not worth much as qualifications but they might give you new practical skills that could help you find a job.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

jfc this thread

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. You should get a job - it's important to be independent and able to support yourself - but it's also important that you be, you know, sane and healthy and capable of working. Even if your parents are right about getting a job, it sounds like they're being intensely harsh on you in the process, which is not right. So just understand that, you know, they're not necessarily right about all things.

Please try to find any sliver of independence away from your parents that you can (and working can definitely help provide that), please seek help from anyone you can including therapists and friends, and please don't let your parents get you down.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Exactly.

I mentioned several times in this thread that I have serious issues that I'm concerned about.

I mentioned upthread that I have problems with compulsive eating and the compulsive urge to physically punish myself when I feel guilty.

I'm legit concerned about my health. But I'm selfish for wanting help because it would "hurt my sisters" to have me sent away. How many times will I have to say that stuff.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

Uhm. To be honest, it sounds like there's a lot more going on in your life than just your parents riding your ass.

I really don't know the scope of your limitations, or how much you've been conditioned to believe that you can't leave the situation and how much of that is objective truth, or even to what extent your perception of their treatment of you really is bullying or not.

With all things being equal, I think you maybe need to understand that as a grown individual, you have choices.

You can chose to leave, you can look into federal aid programs to support you (especially for colleges, if you're over 23 and/or independent, the government uses your salary rather than your parents to determine aid amount). Most college campuses have great support systems for disabled students.

But to put things into perspective, in spite of your problems, this is nowhere near as bad as it could be. Yes it sucks to have two people whom you love very much making you feel devalued, but you also have to understand that a certain amount of your behavior is totally under control.

For example, I've had some amount of emotional problems from brain damage since I was a child. This tends to get exacerbated when I'm under a lot of emotional stress, especially when I'm leaving my parents. However, I understand that I have control over how I affect others, so I moderate my behavior so as not to hurt them.

If you feel like your problems are not under your control, then maybe your parents' assessment of your capability to work or study is unrealistic, and you should probably seek medical evaluation. They could probably provide you with more options.

If you're not working or in school, then you can totally fill out applications all day long. While I was working for my parents 14-17 hours a day, I still took the couple hours break I had in the middle of the day to fill out job applications. It scared the shit out of me sometimes, but I definitely did it.

Nothing is hopeless. You can do this.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

Sounds like there might be more to this story than you've said here, if you're thinking of going to a mental hospital as your first viable option to get away. Do you have a medical/mental health condition?

The demands that your parents are making are completely reasonable, but I have no idea /how/ they're talking to you which could make the difference between reasonable and hurtful or cruel.

The only advice I can give you right now is to keep trying and work out a solid plan to get out on your own. Keep applying to jobs, maybe look into how you can make money on the side (etsy, drawing, cooking, anything you can do yourself and offer for sale/services) and save up until you can afford your medication on yoru own and can move out.

OP

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you very much. Very much.

Yes. Two years ago I thought of mental hospitals as limiting and hellish. Now I think of them as a breath of fresh air. I have been diagnosed with mild autism, and also severe OCD. In the past my OCD has driven me to do things like force myself to throw up for having a 'sinful' thought. When I was nine years old I went through anxiety hell.

Yeah , they think that they HAVE to threaten me with taking away my internet or my entire computer (a few years ago they took my computer and locked it away for no reason other than, "you're too obsessed" They did the same thing with a movie book series I liked when I was ten / eleven.

My dad has told me he wants me to search as if I "won't eat tonight". But then I shouldn't take it personally when I get turned down. I was applying like a madwoman during the first two months here. I was actually trying for two jobs. But then I realized what hell it was just to get one.

I do have one. When I can get money I'll save it up enough I have plans to get a place a ways away near a friend of mine.

I have looked for commissions on the side. But I feel pretty invisible right now. Maybe I could look into Etsy...I was making earrings at one point in time with my sister. I think I'll try that.

I guess the internet is a bad place to vent. I'm jeez I can't even vent about being burnt out and having actual mental illnesses ignored without being jeered at.

Makes me start to think some people have a point about the world being a shithole sometimes. Again, thank you for listening.

Sorry to waste your time.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

I'm sorry to say you're in an abusive home. Emotional abuse is abuse. You need to find a way out. I wish I knew how to help, but I don't. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and I finally ran away from home at 16 and never looked back, but I'm not bound to meds or other issues that require assistance.

Good luck OP.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

Ugh, you have no idea that it's abuse. telling OP that it's abuse doesn't help unless it is DEFINITELY abuse. this is a fucking horrible post to make.

just from the post it sounds like her parents are getting fed up with her not working and staying home doing nothing. fuck, OP is lucky they aren't charging her rent. her posts do NOT indicate it's abuse.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

Your situation sounds pretty awful OP, sorry to hear that.

My mum is an a-grade nagger and good at getting nasty if you don't do what she wants, and I hused to have such a bad reaction to her nagging that it would verge on a panic attack - which of course she dismissed as me being melodramatic and lazy. So in my teens and twenties I developed a technique of - first thing, before she had a chance to nag me - telling her what I was going to do today to immediately appease her. And then I would bugger off to my room, or the library, or a coffee shop, and destress. I was able give myself some breathing space - as well as allowe my mum to get on with other things in her life than nagging me.

Do you think you might be able to manage something like this?

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

that sucks, op :(

maybe try volunteering somewhere? it gets you out of the house, helps you meet people, and it gives you a sense of purpose and routine

who knows, you might find the circumstances aligning just right and you might find a job that way

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[elialshadowpine]

So, I've read this whole thread and the comments that have been posted up until now. OP, I think that you are in a shitty situation, but I also think you need a bit of a reality check.

You mention in one of your comments that you've sent out 20 apps. What sort of area do you live in? Because unless you are in small town nowhere where there is literally nothing, 20 apps was... what I would send out in a bad week when I was looking for work. Where are you looking?

Some people have suggested Vocational Rehab, and I actually would strongly agree with this suggestion. The state has resources to help people find work, and Voc Rehab is there specifically for that, and also to help you find work that you can do with your disabilities (I also have disabling anxiety and mental health issues that have existed since childhood, so I have a lot of sympathy for you there). They may also be able to help with things like resume building and interviewing skills, which I would suspect would be something helpful to you.

Something a lot of younger people do, too, is not apply for jobs if they don't meet all of the criteria. The criteria, in many cases, is a wish list. Most times, yes, they'll find someone that meets all the criteria, but if they don't, they may look at your app, because getting someone who needs a little more training is better than no person in many cases.

I ran into a similar issue with your parents with my ex, after I had taken six months plus to recover from a work related injury. She didn't understand why I couldn't just get a job NOW, because when SHE was my age, she could get a job in 3 weeks if she tried. Now, when she was my age, that was the early 90s. Big difference! Your parents probably have a similar thing going on, where they are judging not by today's standards, but by what they remember, which isn't fair to you... but at the same point, it also does sound like you could be doing more, which I've gone over above.

You say that you are on medication and that's one reason you can't leave. I'll be honest: If that medication is for your mental illness, it doesn't sound like it's doing the job. I've recently had to see a new psych because I was getting panic attacks 3x a day, on average, and she put me on a different medication that has reduced it to 3x a week, on a bad week. So, if you have the option at all to see a doctor about medication adjustment, I would definitely look into that. (Others have mentioned therapy, too, and since you mention having mild autism and OCD, that would also be useful, if your parents would go for it.)

As far as the license thing, unless you live in an area where there is good public transit, I think that is something you need to bring up with your parents, because how are you supposed to get and keep a job if you can't get to it? Are you supposed to rely on them forever? What if they aren't able to get you to your work? What if something happens? If you are in the US and outside of a big city, driving is IMPORTANT. Even if they drive you most of the time, having the option is major, and honestly, that out of everything here concerns me the most, because it sounds to me controlling and/or codependent.

I hope some of this is helpful. I really do feel for you, because with mental illness, all these things are a lot harder, but you still have to do them. Please keep us updated. *hugs offered*

OP

[(Anonymous)]

I apologize for bothering you all...my parents offered a little bit of help.

I shouldn't have said anything....God I feel like a horrible human being. I'm sorry everyone.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[tei]

If your parents actively prevented you from going to college and learning how to drive, it seems like they're as much at fault for your not having a job as you are.

This is shitty and I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I hope you do manage to find a job at least so you can get out of there and get help.

Re: I feel bullied in my home

[(Anonymous)]

If applying twice to every place within a ten mile radius is what it takes to prove to them that you're serious about your job search, why not do it? You don't seem to have much else on your plate.

Also, you're rather vague about your responsibilities around the house: do you have them? How much of your time do they consume? Do you ever volunteer to do things like prepare meals, clean the common areas of the house, or care for the yard, without being asked? There is a way of handling minor responsibilities that shows that you could handle greater ones if they fell to your lot: I mean, by doing the work that's expected of you consistently and with care, in a timely way, without other people having to remind you to do it, you show that you're a self-starter, that you can be relied on, and that you take pride in your work. Whereas if you tend to "forget" to do it unless someone nags you, act put-upon about having to do it, or do a half-assed job, you show yourself irresponsible and untrustworthy.

Are you doing anything to make yourself a more attractive candidate to the businesses where you're applying for work? Volunteering, as some people have suggested, would enlarge your skill set, get you out of the house (which would do you a world of good), and put you in contact with people who can serve as references or even put you in line for a job. Plus, having a routine to your day or week is very good for depression.