[ SECRET POST #2514 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2514 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 033 secrets from Secret Submission Post #359.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Advice Column

[(Anonymous)]

ASK FOR ADVICE HERE! Change Subject to a short summary!

Should I have a baby?

[(Anonymous)]

I keep going back and forth. I'm 36, my husband is 43. I think I want kids, but I'm not for-sure-positive on it. Pregnancy and childbirth both kind of freak me out, as does the thought of caring for an infant. Older kids, though, say 3 and older, I really like. And I like the idea of being able to share my life with a child. I think I might like to adopt, but haven't totally given up on the thought of my own kid. What do you think, advice column?

Re: Should I have a baby?

[(Anonymous)]

I would try and be around some babies. Maybe babysit a friend's child? Is the caring for the baby because you have never been around them? And talk to your husband to see how he feels about babies. Maybe he could be a house husband. :)

And if you like older kids, just adopt (or foster).

I would also not be too worried about pregnancy/child birth. It freaks a lot of people out, even ones who have already had children!

Re: Should I have a baby?

[(Anonymous)]

Adopt. You can skip right to the age you're comfortable with and skip all the freaky body stuff. Adopting is definitely the way I plan on going when I want to have kids.

Re: Should I have a baby?

[(Anonymous)]

I definitely feel you on the whole being-freaked-out-by-pregnancy/childbirth thing; I'm very much the same way. I'd kind of like to raise a kid, but the idea of physically producing one kind of horrifies me.

Regardless, I think child-rearing is something you should be sure about before you enter into. Try this: imagine what you expect the rest of your life to be like if you don't have a child. Now imagine what your life will be like if you do (bearing in mind that nothing with kids ever goes perfectly, or even the way you necessarily expect). Which possible future makes you happier? Use that as a starting point in your decision-making process.

Re: Should I have a baby?

[(Anonymous)]

A lot of people are freaked out about pregnancy and infant care, so you're not alone in that. What matters is if you want to work through that enough to actually birth and care for children, or if it's just the same to you to go ahead and adopt a toddler or older baby.

My sister is freaked out around kids, but she feels like she wouldn't have the same connection with an adopted kid and has said that if she's going to raise children she wants them to share her genes.

I, on the other hand, see no difference. Kids are kids are kids and I'll be raising them so I'll be their mom, you know? And yeah, I'd skip right ahead and adopt an older kid. Babies are fun but I find them boring if I have them 24/7.

It's just really up to you. Either path is sound, it's just about what you and your partner feel comfortable and right in doing.

Re: Should I have a baby?

[(Anonymous)]

Adoption is a very hard process which can take very many years; it's highly stressful not just emotionally but also economically. If you and your husband decide to go down that road, be prepared for a lot a lot a LOT of effort; and then be equally prepared for the fact that the child you adopt will most probably not be the age or gender you originally set out in search of.

If you decide to have biological children, you're right- you have a time issue. Bear in mind that babies are, relatively speaking, VERY quickly no longer babies. Also bear in mind that, as few years as that is, they are ALSO highly stressful and emotionally and economically draining years.

Either way, the main issue is whether you two want to have the responsibility of raising a child - and of being responsible for nurturing and supporting that child even after they stop being a child and become a teenager and a young adult.

Re: Should I have a baby?

[making_excuses]

You could try out being a "visiting home"* if you have that in your country? The children range from age 0-18 and you can always request a specific age group.

There is also (again depending on country) a system in place where children who are going to be adopted away stay in a home for 3 months to make sure the parents of the child don't change their minds.

And as I always tell people who want children, but not necessarily biologically theirs: :foster kids always need homes, and they are just children and just need an extra set of parents they can live with.

*Part of the Foster Care system, but not foster parents, it is a home where children can visit about one weekend every month or so who need it for various reasons, among those: Parents who have troubles, foster children without family, children who are in a difficult situation and such.

...how obvious is it that I grew up in the foster care system?...

Re: Should I have a baby?

[(Anonymous)]

I won't advise on the actual "do I want a kid" issue, but if you decide you want one, adoption is a great option! And it doesn't preclude having a biological child down the road, necessarily.

I'm adopted, my brother is not, and at no point have I felt like I was a "lesser" child. And I've never thought of my parents as anything other than my real parents.

If you do adopt, I'd recommend telling your child about being adopted early. I can't remember not knowing. I don't exactly recall how my parents explained it, but they just treated it like a simple fact, so it was never an issue with me.

Being Antisocial at work

[(Anonymous)]

I work at a very small business. It is just 4 employees and our 2 bosses. I am the most recent hire (I knew 2 of the people who worked there vaguely). Since my boss told me I could, I have been using my headphones nearly 90% of the time at work. sometimes I go in there and only say like 5 sentences the whole day.

should I be more social? I have nothing in common with my coworkers. Sometimes they ask/talk about sex/personal stuff that I have no interest in talking about (one woman in particular). should I make an effort to interact with them more at work?

Re: Being Antisocial at work

[(Anonymous)]

As long as you're getting your work done and not doing anything you're not supposed to, I don't think it matters. There's no rule that says you need to be friends with your coworkers, and honesty, I think talking about sex at work is pretty unprofessional.

Re: Being Antisocial at work

[(Anonymous)]

No, you shouldn't make the effort. And that one woman asking those questions raises all kinds of red flags. She may be gunning for you (jealousy/feeling threatened/company bully), so steer clear of her as much as you can, try not to answer anything she asks that she can twist against you (which is probably going to be almost anything; some of them are so bad they'll make it all up whole cloth, if you even speak so much as a completely unrelated sentence to them).

Your boss told you that you could wear your headphones? Your boss knows something about the company culture he wants to spare you from. Keep those headphones on, keep your head down, do an excellent job, and if anyone tries to undermine you (especially the one woman you mention above), document everything.

Re: Being Antisocial at work

[(Anonymous)]

What's the atmosphere like? Is everyone else pretty social and chatty? If so, you might want to try to join in or at least wear the headphones a bit less. Maybe only in one ear?

At the end of the day it's your choice. If you don't want to be social or friends with these people and are comfortable just headphoning it up, go with it. But if you'd like a more social relationship with the co-workers, put a little effort in and give it a try.

Re: Being Antisocial at work

[comma_chameleon]

That's a really tough one. I'm social at work in the sense that I'll chat with my co-workers while working and know most of them well enough to make small talk, but I like to eat my lunch alone with my headphones and they all know by now that that time is my 'destress' time to decompress and get away from anything frustrating that happened in the morning.

I don't think it'd hurt you to make a concentrated effort to make small talk, but at the same time I'm definitely one of those people who don't think it should be mandatory for co-workers to act like BFFs. To me work is work and my social life is different.

Yes being on good terms with your co-workers is going to make things go more smoothly, but also if it makes you uncomfortable, as long as you're polite and do your work, they might think you're 'unfriendly' but it's not likely to really cause any problems.

Sorry that that was really teal deer and not too helpful. :/

Re: Being Antisocial at work

[flipthefrog.livejournal.com]

I'm going to go against the crowd here and say that if you expect to be at this company for more than about 6 months, you really should make an effort to be more social. Unfortunately for people like you and me, working at anything more than a temp job isn't just about getting your work done; it's about creating the impression that you really like being there and won't, say, jump ship the microsecond you get a better offer. All else being equal, the people who are more social are more likely to get raises and promotions, because they give off the impression that they care about their coworkers and the job as a whole.

My boss suggested to me that, in order to build up my socialization skills, I should ask at least one of my coworkers how they're doing every day, try to find out what's new with them, etc. It doesn't matter if you're actually interested in the answer, simply asking the question is enough to create the impression that you want to know how they feel--although if you can remember the next day to ask how their dog's knee surgery went or whatever, that's a bonus. After a while it becomes habit, which is weird as fuck to me since I catch myself doing it when I never would have before.

However, anybody who's asking about things you don't want to tell them can fuck right off (politely).

Re: Being Antisocial at work

[starphotographs]

Eh, if you're not shooting the shit all day, you're probably doing a better job of getting your work done.

My boyfriend once had a job where they refused to bump him up from trainee status because he wasn't friendly enough with his co-workers. :/ Excuse him for not getting distracted by small-talk.

Unexpected Job Interview ?

[(Anonymous)]

Out of the blue this evening, my prof. sends me an email with "If you have X skills and would be interested in Y job, come see me in my office tomorrow."

Now, I have x skills, and I would be interested. But his email was so short and vague that I have no idea whether this is something that is official, is something that pays, if I'm supposed to consider this a job interview, or a casual chat, or....

Please, people who have successfully navigated the mysteries of academia and/or jobs, tell me: what do I wear? (do I dress as I usually do for uni, or do I step it up a notch to a suit as I would guess is standard for an interview situation) what do I say? (is it appropriate to ask point blank what this thing pays or do I have to wait for him to make his offer?) how do I keep calm and not dissolve in a puddle of generosity before things even get started?

Extra monkey-wrench: he cc'd this to my thesis adviser. I don't know if this is something they're doing together, or if it's meant to be a hint to my adviser that I'll have less time, or if this is some underhanded power-play btw prof and adviser about my future post graduation, ... whether I am simply over-paranoid and going out of my tiny mind. Help!

Re: Unexpected Job Interview ?

[(Anonymous)]

Better to be over prepared than unprepared. Treat it like a formal interview.

Re: Unexpected Job Interview ?

[(Anonymous)]

Anyone else please feel free to contradict me, but I don't see the harm in sending a follow-up email asking for some clarification about what kind of interaction this meeting is going to be and what is expected of you, dress-wise and such.

Generally it's considered best not to ask about money until an offer is made, as I understand it.

Re: Unexpected Job Interview ?

[(Anonymous)]

Do you have an outfit that would be a happy medium? Not business suit, but not regular day clothes either. If not, I'd say more formal is better than too casual.

I have no idea how to keep calm. I am awful at focusing and calm in interviews. Good luck!

Do I need to find a boyfriend?

[(Anonymous)]

I'm at the age where most of my friends are getting married and the ones who got married young are starting to have kids, while I'm still single, and I hate feeling left out.

I'll think how I need to find someone but the reasoning behind it pretty much always comes down to "I want a boyfriend that I can take public places so people won't think I'm a loser for always being alone" and I'm pretty sure that is a really fucked up reason for wanting to be in a relationship.

To be completely honest, aside from being able to say I have a boyfriend, actually being in a relationship doesn't appeal to me at all, but I don't know how to get beyond feeling like I need one so I can be like everyone else.

Anyone have any advice?

Problems at/with church.

[(Anonymous)]

Exactly like it says on the tin.

I know there are a few of us of the the believing persuasion here on F!S. How do you deal with arrogant self-righteous hypocrisy without giving in to the temptation to whack the bearers of said bad fruits over the head repeatedly with the nearest copy of the holy text to hand screaming at them: "BUT THE BOOK DOESN'T SAY THAT YOU TOOL!"

Bulimia...?

[(Anonymous)]

I noticed the other day that one of my exceedingly slender, fragile classmates had scarring on her index knuckle and I think by her pinky knuckle. My mind automatically went to "bulimia", because she's just so thin, and a check on the internet confirmed that's probably what it was. And now I'm not sure what to do.

Should I just keep this as information to myself? It's really none of my business, but I'm worried about her.

I'm like pretty sure it's not from punching anything, since I'm damaged my hands from punching things before, and the damage pattern is totally different.

Dealing with period dizziness!

[(Anonymous)]

I have irregular and infrequent periods that are usually quite light. I'm in the middle of a very heavy one right now. Earlier I was paper-white and I've been feeling light-headed and weepy today. Anyone know if this is more likely to be due to iron loss or low blood sugar? Something else? What should I eat to get over it? I'm very poor right now, so something that isn't red meat would be a very welcome suggestion!

I really like my coworker

[(Anonymous)]

I work a really small company that only has 10-15 employees/volunteers coming in on a weekly basis, so pretty much there's no avoiding anyone else since we're all up in each other's business.

One of my coworkers is really nice, funny, cute, etc. When I started working there, he had a girlfriend, but they've been broken up for a couple months now and he's talked several times about wanting to find someone else.

The only thing is that he's at least 8 years older than I am, and I just feel so young. I'm pretty much the baby of the company. I'm not even sure if we pass the whole 'half your age plus seven' thing. That and because of my company's size, it's going to be incredibly awkward if I tell him I like him and he doesn't like me back.

But yeah, I keep telling myself that I'm young so there will continue to be plenty of other guys and that I'm happy being just friends, but I know that if he eventually does come into the office with a new girlfriend, I'm going to feel like I missed my window.