[ SECRET POST #2860 ]

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⌈ Secret Post #2860 ⌋

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Notes:

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Comments

does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[diet_poison]

So my sister and I had a small fight, and afterwards (like after it was done, and I had already moved on) I got up to leave the room, and she made a bratty snipe to me as I was leaving.

I turned around and confronted her, wanting her to know that I wouldn't put up with it. My mom yelled at me to stop making it worse and just ignore it.

My question is this. Do most people stop being disrespectful if their disrespect is ignored? I feel that as a kid (and maybe even now) if I said something that was challenging or disrespectful to another person, I didn't want them to challenge me back - I wanted to "win", to be seen as the dominant party in the interaction or at least to be seen as an equal if that was fighting for, and for this to be acknowledged by the other person. Ignoring it would have just made me more angry and more likely to escalate the next time. When I was growing up, adults always said "just ignore it" and it didn't make any sense to me, because if bad behavior wasn't challenged, would it be stopped? And was my sister just trying to make me mad? Because I don't see any logic in that. They always say "they're just trying to get a rise out of you" and I have a hard time believing that people make other people upset just for fun, with no other goal in mind. It doesn't strike me as being very entertaining. I always assumed there was another motive.

If someone says something mean or rude and I ignore it and walk away, I feel like I'm slinking off with my tail between my legs. It makes me angry and sours whatever I'm trying to do next. My instinct is to defend myself and hold the mean person accountable, and it's always a snap decision. I think this is because I'm projecting my own motives onto other people, and I guess we all do this, but what I really want to know is: are my motives unusual, and are the people who say "just ignore it" usually right? And if so, what can I do to not feel like a loser when I walk away?

Anyone else have any similar experiences, or opposite experiences, or related stories/questions?

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

Okay I don't have time to write a big long post, but: I think there's different questions going on here. One the one hand, there's the question of what is going to resolve the conflict and deal with the person as effectively as possible. On the other hand, there's the question of your feelings and your anger, demand for recognition, etc and how those get expressed.

And the point I want to make is just that those are two different, separate things. Not that either of them is invalid, just that they're different. So if you're trying to talk about the effectiveness of an action, or whether ignoring someone works, that's different than talking about how it makes you feel and whether you feel the need to defend yourself. And, again, neither of those urges is inherently bad, I think it's just important to recognize that difference.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[dreemyweird]

That is very true.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[diet_poison]

To me those things are similar. I can "deal with it" by walking away, and the conflict will (probalby) stop, but it doesn't actually resolve it for me. It's still there. it that makes sense.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

I didn't have siblings, so take my contribution with a grain of salt, but tbh I think you've answered your own question. At least partly:

...if I said something that was challenging or disrespectful to anoher person, I wanted to "win", to be seen as the dominant party in the interaction or at least to be seen as an equal and for this to be acknowledged by the other person...

See? You've said it yourself--"winning" requires that the other person treats you as if your challenging/disrespectful behavior deserves a response. If they treat it as if it isn't even worthy of notice, then they are definitely not seeing you as an equal and they're letting you know that they don't.

Also, yes, of course people make other people upset for fun. Are you about to deny the existence of internet trolls who do exactly that?

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[diet_poison]

Also, yes, of course people make other people upset for fun. Are you about to deny the existence of internet trolls who do exactly that?

Yeah, I know...I know it exists, but I really hope every single person who ever says something assholish does so just to get a rise. And it's also just never made sense to me.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

If they treat it as if it isn't even worthy of notice, then they are definitely not seeing you as an equal and they're letting you know that they don't.

Not necessarily. They may consider the behavior itself to be beneath their notice, regardless of what they think of OP generally. Ignoring it could, in fact, be their way of clueing OP in that this is unworthy of them, and that the other person expects better of someone they respect.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

By ignore it people don't mean pretend it isn't there, it means acknowledge it, show that it doesn't get to you, and go on your way. There's nothing more demoralizing to someone who's trying to get to you, than to have their efforts be acknowledged, shrugged at, and dismissed. The acknowledgement is important so they don't make the mistake of thinking you missed it or that you are just making a show of dominance yourself by pretending it didn't happen.

Try giving them a calm nod and leaving next time. "I heard you, but you're not getting what you want."

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[diet_poison]

:|a yeah, this is a good point.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[nayance]

No, never. It just lets the person get away with it, and lets them know they can continue to be a little shit, they will. People expect you to just slink off because it's apparently in bad taste to confront people because it's 'making a scene' or whatever, but if you don't tell people where to go, they won't stop.

There are situations where you need to walk away and remove yourself, but that isn't ignoring the behavior; it's saying that you aren't going to allow yourself to be treated in that manner, and stopping it. So long as you don't go about pretending that things are fine afterwards, it's not 'ignoring it'.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[comradesmiler]

Not at all for me, in regards to bullying until recently. Doesn't help that I thought the people telling me this seemed like they couldn't be arsed to intervene. I still feel though it doesn't stop people from being cunts to me.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[a_potato]

According to my admittedly subjective experience of being bullied when I was young...no. Ignoring it does not make it go away, or make it stop. I even tried what one anon suggested above: I acknowledged them, reacted calmly, and dismissed them. Their response was to beat on me during gym glass, using the game as a cover. The only thing that made them stop was the one thing that my parents, the guidance counselors, and the school administration kept telling me was the worst possible course of action: punishing the offenders. And I had to show up in the assistant principal's office with a gash on my arm for that to finally happen.

That said, this was in middle school. Older people act differently. Still, I do think that unacceptable behavior should be confronted at some point.

The key really is in the response. A calm, measured response almost always works better than an angry one, and sometimes, it's necessary to walk away and try to address the issue later. When it comes to a situation like you described, continuing to walk away probably would be the best course of action. She was angry, and probably lashing out, and giving her a little bit of time to cool down before confronting her on what she'd said would make it more likely for her to listen.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

I believe that the snipe and the response to the snipe come from the same emotional source.

"Just ignoring it" will end the confrontation, because it stops the chain.

This reminds me of an article I read in the NY Times Magazine years ago, about a sociologist who had found success in treating revenge killings in gang-ridden neighborhoods by regarding the chains of violence as an infectious disease. When the "disease vectors" were stopped, the violence didn't spread.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

I can sympathize with the wanting to win (and yeah, I do get some enjoyment out of making someone upset- or at least angry- sometimes. not proud of it, but it's like a mental exercise to strike).

"just ignore it" sometimes saves a lot of energy, and if you know they would prefer you to answer to find a way to hurt you, I think it'll annoy THEM more if you don't.

on the other hand, if you care about that person, and want to give them the benefit of the doubt- if it's really more about both your egos- then sometimes answering can stop the fight. Giving them the chance to be sensible, or breaking the tone by making a joke, actually sometimes conciliates people. Because they really just wanted some respect or attention. Especially for children or people who feel frustrated at being swept away by anger/ignored/talked down to/humiliated by being wrong.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

It kind of depends. If you keep fighting it won't really stop but if you don't say anything they can gd the the impression that they can get away with talking shit. Trying to find a balance is easier said than done. But the response your mum gave is really annoying to me. It's just the sort of response that implies that you are equally wrong. And if she is provoking you she should be told to shut up as well.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[solticisekf]

Ignoring such things in school or work doesn't work for sure.

Family is diferent and it all depends... I'm not sure that parents should take part in arguments after kids turn a certain age.

My sister mostly lets me have the last word, because she doesn't like open confrontations (I do). I feel guilty afterwards... She lets me blow off some steam which is very nice of her.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

You're thinking in oversimplifies terms.

Someone being disrespectful is not always something that should be challenged, at least not immediately.

If it's an emotional response, ignore it for the moment and if they don't apologize later, bring up the subject *calmly*.

If it isn't or they behavior is seriously bad, then yes, answering may be better but even then the *how* matters. Most of the time, answering in the same way just makes thinks worse.

But a small fight between siblings? It's probably not a big deal and being mature is not "slinking off with your tail between your legs", but instead accepting that is nothing serious and that's better to let it go instead of making it worse.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

NO.

I was bullied by a sibling for years, was repeatedly told to "just ignore it", and now I have severe self-esteem issues, panic attacks and an anxiety disorder.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[dreemyweird]

I think they're usually right - for the exact reason you've indicated. A person who tries to insult you wants to feel superior. Do not engage in the conflict unless you're sure that you can end up being the winner OR that you can show them that they're behaving like a five-year-old and that this is not the right way to handle arguments. Remaining silent/walking away is, under normal circumstances, the safest strategy to avoid being hurt/letting the conflict spiral out of control.

And honestly, if they perceive your refusal to engage as a challenge, why don't you consider it an assertion of your dominance? Sure, it may be banal, but the person who does not engage is the more mature one in 99 cases out of 100.

All of the above applies only to insignificant conflicts, of course. Sometimes people need to be called out on what they say or do. But that's the moral part of the issue, and hence a different consideration entirely.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

I think it depends. In cases where the person in question is behaving that way to seek attention or validation, or even a sense of control over you (e.g. "I can get this person to react just by saying X!") then ignoring it is a very good tactic because a) you're not engaging yourself in their conflict and b) they're actually not getting what they want, which is a win for you. You're denying them the fuel that keeps the conflict burning, and they can't carry that on by themselves. At least not in any way that gives them the satisfaction they crave.

(Obviously, harm that causes a direct impact on your personal well-being in any shape or form might need more serious intervention, but in a lot of more 'nuisance' cases, it works remarkably well).

I think it ties into when you said:

"They always say "they're just trying to get a rise out of you" and I have a hard time believing that people make other people upset just for fun, with no other goal in mind. It doesn't strike me as being very entertaining. I always assumed there was another motive."

Yes, they are trying to get a rise out of you (see above re: controlling your behavior), but I think you might be seeing the goal in the sense of it being something that's about you when every single instance of someone behaving like this is actually a reflection of them. Their problems, their anger, their inablity to express their emotions healthily, any number of things. So yes there is most definitely a motive, but it might not be the one you think.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

Depends. If the other person is just trying to get a reaction and you don't give it to them, eventually they may move on to another target, if another target is available.

I think the point, though, isn't necessarily to make them stop; it's to stop yourself from dwelling on it, wasting your time and energy on it, and letting it get to you. Ultimately our ability to control the behavior of others is sharply limited compared to our ability to control our own.

Our emotions are not automatic responses over which we have zero influence. You might not be able to avoid an initial spark of irritation when your sister says something bratty. But you can choose whether to rise to the bait, and whether to continue fuming about it; or to instead acknowledge to yourself that yes, she's being a pain, but it's a very minor thing in the grand scheme and not worth expending a lot of rage, resentment and frustration on, and then turn your attention to more important (and pleasant) things.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

I've felt a lot like that before, especially with all the lies I was fed about how amazingly assertive I was as a child (note: I wasn't assertive, just blissfully stupid and without a word filter).

Responding to nasty comments or ignoring them... which is better? That can depend. But if you have some compulsive need to respond to every. single. jab. that some person makes, no matter how big or how little, then... well, this is going to sound jerky, but that sounds more like a personal problem. It sounds like your ego talking. What are you really gaining by sniping back? What do you hope to gain? Do you just want to put some jerk in their place? Say you do snipe back and make them feel bad. Do you feel better about yourself then? Does it really help solve the problem?

You can't control what other people say/do/think. So your sister thinks she's "won" if you don't respond back to her jab. Why does that bother you? Is she going to use this little victory as a way of gaining some control over your life? If not, what do you have to lose by being silent?

Some things aren't worth responding to. If you respond to it, you dignify it, you give it value, you make it matter. If your silence would lead to the harm of innocents or something, that's one thing. But if the worst that would happen is that you look "weak" in the eyes of someone else, that's an ego thing.

That need to "challenge" someone's behavior is part of "they're trying to get a rise out of you." For some folks, if they can get you to react to their shitty behavior, then they've won. It can be their way of playing you -- when you predictably react to their nastiness, you've given control back to them.

I'm not telling you to not ever be offended or to take your mother's advice, because there are always people who will say some horribly triggery things, but it helps to ask yourself... what's important here?

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

Depends on the person. Some people are just trying to illicit a response. Others will pick fights with anyone and everyone. I found it's best to keep myself busy and preoccupied. It helps me keep my emotions and reactions in check.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[(Anonymous)]

whenever my brother says something shitty or acts like a selfish asshole, my parent's response would always be "just ignore it"

and then they'd get mad at me for reacting to him
and i was always like: "why are you mad at me? why aren't you mad at HIM for being a little shit?"

it still pisses me off. because i don't understand what it accomplishes, other than to teach him that being awful to people has no consequences.

but, you know, now he's an adult and he's even more of a manchild and a selfish asshole. so he hasn't learned anything.

Re: does "just ignore it" work for most people?

[elialshadowpine]

I'm coming in late, because I've been busy with Nano and RL >_> but I had this open to reply to. I'm going to chime in with the "no, don't ignore it" -- but I think I'd a few things I haven't seen mentioned. One, it sounds like your sister wasn't trying to do it to get a rise; it sounds like she was still upset about the argument and being passive aggressive. In this case, I probably would ignore it -- and in a day or two, when emotions had time to settle, talk to her about it when things would hopefully be more calm. That is, if it's something that's still bothering you. But, this is the conflict resolution side (especially since you mentioned in the thread this is unusual behavior for your sister).

There are definitely times where it's appropriate to hold your ground, but -- and I admit, being autistic, I have to take some time to think about things, even if they're thought about at lightning-speed in my head, before I actually say anything -- I try to ask myself if this is something worth fighting about. I also try to ask myself what outcome I want, and how best to get that outcome. Sometimes, what's been said is nasty enough that yeah, I'll get into a full-blown argument. Sometimes, the other person is just having a bad day and is in a bad mood; if it's out of the ordinary for that person, I'll try to give them space, and then talk to them about it later. Rarely do conflicts get resolved when emotions are running high.

But, that's me, and that's also fundamentally different from wanting to "win". Which, I think everyone wants to win, really. But sometimes the question is, which is more important, winning, or resolving the conflict? That's an important question to ask on a case by case basis. There are some things that I won't back down until I've "won" on (or until I've hit the point I've decided the person is no longer worth engaging with; ie, feminism-related topics are a good example of this), but there are other things that my relationship with the person is more important than "winning". This is completely individual and personal.

I think, though, that feeling like you need to "win" all the time is something that probably should be worked on, because that's not a healthy way of interacting with people and it rarely resolves conflicts. That kind of attitude, taken to an extreme, or done repeatedly, can lead to broken friendships and relationships. I've been in relationships with people who had to "win" all the time, when I just wanted to resolve the conflict (and sometimes, all that I wanted for resolution was to have my feelings acknowledged and validated; that's a very, very important thing for me, regardless of the overall outcome) and move on. Now, from what I've seen of you here, I doubt you're taking it to extremes, but it is something that I would personally try to remain aware of.

Hope this is helpful! *hugs*