[ SECRET POST #2240 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2240 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 060 secrets from Secret Submission Post #320.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 3 4 - trolls that were a little too obvious; come on, at least don't capitalize the same word in every secret. The others can slide by!].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

09. http://i45.tinypic.com/1t5wdi.jpg

[(Anonymous)]

You should consider yourself lucky not to have those problems, but unless you have been retained as their therapist, their problems are not your problems, and you should not feel guilty about not wanting to be covered in them at all times.

[elephantinegrace]

Just because you're happy doesn't mean you owe anything to people who aren't, ESPECIALLY if you're starting to not be happy because of that.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't think that many people in fandom are really depressed, unstable etc. Some of them are, of course, but I think a lot of people just like to feel sorry for themselves, don't get the attention they want IRL, but if they complain about their self-diagnosed depression, anxiety etc. online everybody supports them. So I'm sure there are actually way more people in fandom who have happy lives just like you, but who simply think that not having a perfect life means you should complain 24/7 to your online friends.

[kluify]

It's okay to feel like this OP - you aren't qualified to deal with all your friends problems, and shouldn't be expected/expect yourself too. And that's why I like F!S and the general comments section - you can go anon or not, and just skip over wanky threads if you can't handle them at the moment and stick the fun fannish threads. Hope you find a balance in your fandom life, OP!

[eaten_by_bears]

It's okay to back off a friendship if you need some space. And it's definitely okay to refer someone to a hotline instead of trying to be their therapist and burning yourself out. I say this as a panicky, jittery, depressive fan myself. Just because you're healthier than your friends doesn't mean you don't have a right to take care of yourself.

[(Anonymous)]

I've been on both sides of this situation, and yeah, it is really exhausting to be someone's entire support system. Don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry, but I can't really help you with this tonight." There are people I know not to bother when I'm having problems, but I still consider them my friends and love to do talk about fannish things with them. It actually made our friendship stronger once they were honest with me about limits and I learned how to back off.

[omens]

I get it. I have brain problems and it still exhausts me sometimes, too. (My own brain problems also exhaust me sometimes, but what can you do. I don't tend to seek support from the internet, though; I use it more like a void for rambling into, hehe.)

I think the tone of your own journal/chats/emails/etc will probably decide if people come to you with emotional problems. So, you probably can avoid it, if you try? I don't know if it would make you feel better or worse, though. Sorry. :s

[chardmonster]

They're probably in an echo chamber that tells them that all their self-diagnoses are accurate (and anyone skeptical is a bigot), that all forms of personal sadness and malaise are symptoms of a medically diagnosable condition, and that there is no division between the personal and the public. If you feel sad today everyone needs to know and you must not attempt to cheer yourself up

If people are dumping on you all the time I suggest making new friends or waiting until they grow out of it or work on getting better.

If they never grow out of it and never end up actually diagnosed avoid them.

[(Anonymous)]

I had to stop reading the other comments because it really just seemed like people don't understand. I do. I let it get so bad that it chased me out of fandom. I deleted all of my accounts everywhere because it was the only way to escape people dumping all of their problems on me. It is very easy to say "Don't let it get to you. Back off a bit. Tell your friends to back off." It is very difficult to do. In some cases it's even impossible. And it sucks. It sucks even more when you get up the nerve to do it, tell someone to back off or even just back off a bit yourself, and then find yourself the target of abuse because you don't have those problems. And if some of those problems are emotion instability, the abuse can get very scary. Your so-called fandom friend can turn everyone else against you. It can spill out of the fandom and over to other parts of your life if you've let anyone from fandom in through twitter or facebook or anything even more personal, like your phone number. I don't have a solution. I don't know that I ever will. But I do understand where you're coming from because I've been there. And I will never put myself in that situation ever again.

[insanenoodlyguy]

No, you need to stop being a doormat.

It sounds like people have figured out you are "the shoulder"

And trust me, they'll use you. Man oh man will they use you. Thing is, you aren't helping them 90% of the time listening to their inane shit. If venting cured problems, we'd see a lot of horrible forums that started up then became extinct in a week, instead of being perpetually shit.

You are obviously in a better place, but being that person everybody dumps their problems on? That's fucking draining as shit. You will end up with precious little energy left for yourself. That's not going to suddenly give you depression, but it sure isn't you being happy.

Remember that you are obligated to shoulder anybody's bullshit but your own. And if they start saying you are the only thing keeping them from their stupid decisions? Cut that person off like you would any other parasite. That kinda false responsibility is manipulation of the first order.

repeat?

[(Anonymous)]

Is this a repeat, I could swear I have seen this before, same picture and yellow text and all.

Well, if it isn't a repeat, at least know that it's not just you, OP.

[(Anonymous)]

I know that feeling all too well in real life. I'm just glad that at least one of them is getting real help now.

[(Anonymous)]

You are absolutely allowed to set boundaries for yourself and say, "I'm sorry you're going through some rough times. I can't the person who helps you. I am sorry, and I hope it gets better."

Read Captainawkward.com! She's great at explaining how to set boundaries!

You have the right to not be emotionally exhausted! You have the right to come to a fun place and have it be fun!

I hope you make it work.

[fuchsiascreams]

I don't think you should feel guilty. You can have a great life and appreciate it and be a good friend and still feel drained by people sometimes. It happens to everybody. You are not a bad person or a bad friend or being an unappreciative twat just because you don't want to have to listen to somebody's problems 24/7. If they're going to try and guilt you for being a "bad friend" for wanting some time to spend on you for once, then cut them out, because that just isn't fair. Relationships only work when both people are getting something out of it, not just one of you. It just isn't fair if it's completely one-sided.

[(Anonymous)]

To echo some of the above comments: Speaking as one of those fans who has pulled through several bad spots with the help of fandom, YES, feel free to draw back as often and as far as you need to stay happy. Trust me, misery doesn't actually love company (or shouldn't, since making more people miserable doesn't actually solve any problems).

It's not on you. Your first responsibility is yourself. If you can help after that, do, but keep yourself steady first.

[(Anonymous)]

Uuuugh! * Panic Attack!!! * NO. I am so sick of everyone&theirmother claiming that they have panic attacks. Literally everyone I know in my close circle of friends, claims to get panic attacks. Well... I've NEVER seen any of them have one. The only person in my life who I've been around when they've illegitimately had one, is my Aunt. She is also the only person I know who suffers from a panic disorder, who doesn't endlessly talk about suffering from a panic disorder. SMH.

[avatarmn]

"I hate myself for feeling this way." You sound like you have a horrible life and are emotionally unstable, bro.

[arise]

i completely burned out on fandom for this exact reason, tbh. D:

[diet_poison]

Hmm...

I've had (real, diagnosed) depression and for a few years I really leaned on my mom to the point of putting a lot of stress on her and being a total "leech" as some people have said in that relationship. So a word to those who are suffering: try not to do that; it doesn't really help and it hurts people who you care about and who care about you. Yes, lean on the people who love you, but find a network that includes more than one person and GET HELP at the same time. Make it better. It sucks, but you have to do something.

A word to the people who are going on about fakers (by which I specifically mean, people who latch onto this and assume everyone much be faking oh noes): really, shut up. We get it, some people fake for attention. But please don't extend your resentment to include everyone ever who talks about having issues on the internet. Sometimes people really *do* just need a kind ear and if you accuse them of faking right away you are being an asshole.

A word to the actual fakers: stop it. Just stop. You hurt everyone - yourself, the people around you, and people with real issues - by doing this. Own up to your problems with attention-seeking. If you're feeling lonely, look for more positive ways to combat that. If you're bored, find better ways to combat that. But don't make things a bajillion times harder for everyone by lying or exaggerating.

/soapbox

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, this thread... I am sooooo in need of a popcorn gif right now. Or, maybe even an actual bowl o' popcorn.

[(Anonymous)]

I know how you feel OP. On tumblr I follow a lot of people in the same fandom as me and it seems like six out of ten blogs complain about how nobody cares about them, threaten to delete their blog because nobody cares. Delete their blog, then make a new one. Rinse repeat.

I feel sorry for people having a rough time, but I am kind of tired of the same shit and how these people feel like they have to be coddled by everyone and throw a hissy fit when they don't get the special attention.

I have shitty days too, but I keep it to myself and vent my frustrations elsewhere. It's never a good thing to be dependent so much on other people for your happiness and self-worth.

[(Anonymous)]

This is why I've pretty much left fandom, except for lurking everybody else's cool stuff.

And then there's the vague feeling I always had, that I must be boring and uninteresting because I didn't have any problematic diagnoses, serious trauma or serial drama. My average post was "Went to work, Lazy Co-worker was lazy, had tuna salad for lunch, came home, petted the cat, just checked - Haldir is still hot..."

I miss being involved in fandom, though.

[hiyami]

Something you might consider, OP, is : is your fandom especially angst-centered? Some fandoms are more likely than others to draw people who feel bad in their lives.

Of course, in every fandom, there will be people who tend to want your attention 24/7 and dump your misery on you, but maybe find greener pastures?

Also, are those people all asking for support? Or ar they only using their LJ / Tumblr whatever to vent?

Because I know that 99% if times, when I make a post about a problem, it's more to get it off my chest than expecting someone to solve my problem from across the web... since I don't see how they could.

[(Anonymous)]

As someone who has been clinically diagnosed with several different mental problems, I can say to you that even I'm not immune from being THAT shoulder to lean on by other people. My family and friends go to me with their problems all the time to ask for advice and whatnot. I'm just that kind of person, I guess. Sometimes I have to remind them that I need space and support myself, although I have problems doing this because I feel like I'm imposing myself on them when living life itself is crappy in so many ways already.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone in sometimes having to help people. Sometimes they just seem comfort or help because they can't help themselves for some reason. But you must claim your some of your independence back from them before you get too drained. Be happy that you're also still somewhat stable and normal though. That's actually a good thing!